Five Possible Directions for the Barbie Movie


Having fended off Hollywood's lascivious advances for five full decades, Barbie has finally collapsed onto its couch with her legs spread, exhausted from years of being chased around a desk by horny, pantsless studio-executive suitors promising to make her a big movie star. Variety reports that Universal is the beneficiary of the Mattel icon's weary willingness to surrender her big-screen virtue to the highest bidder, announcing today they've reached a deal for a live-action film based on America's favorite plastic bundle of unhealthy body-image issues.

Reaching the deal was the easy part; with the relationship consummated (awkwardly, we'd assume, as her significant other of fifty years has no genitals), Universal must now pull up its pants and figure out what, exactly, that franchise-launching Barbie movie might be. (This isn't some obvious toy-to-film conversion, like, um View-Master or, er, Battleship) What follows are Movieline's attempts to help Universal jump start its development process by narrowing down the list of Barbie's 120-plus jobs (a partial list here, and an informative slideshow here) to a more manageable number and looking at the narrative possibilities those occupations might yield.

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  • I might actually WATCH 'Nurse Barbie' and I'm not sure how I feel about that realization...

  • Lowbrow says:

    Has Barbie always been as orange as Dina Lohan?

  • SteelWolf says:

    The "tit"le of the article was ok. The story "lay"out was not.
    Enjoy "poking" fun at barbie while you can. I think it will make huge money at the "box" office when it does get release. After all i have 2 kids who might want to see it.

  • raincoaster says:

    steelwolf, does your Mom know you have two kids?
    I was just thinking, ALL of these titles would also work for porn.

  • HwoodHills says:

    I'd pony up for Brokeback Barbie with Pamela Anderson as an aging Barbie who's lost her way and confidence. So she spends a summer working on a cattle ranch, meets another cow girl named Skipper (Wynona Ryder) and all sorts of feminine mysteries (and a new way of life Barbie never explored) are revealed to her and explored.
    Followed, of course, by BB2 - Scissors Mountain

  • stretch65 says:

    reviving the STEP IT UP franchise - Barbie is the part-time cheerleading coach with a really cool car and really cool apt. Her ugly duckling younger sister Skipper (who she never met because Barbie had to leave the house at a young age - due to a SECRET) is the new student who wants to make the cheerleading squad. With the help of Barbie's now EX-Boyfriend Ken and his FABULOUS gay buddies - give Skipper a make-over and help Skipper put the QUEER in CHEER !!!