Greetings, fellow mourners -- we gather here today to send one of American Idol's five remaining contestants to the oversize fame-dump in the sky. Who bit the dust? Was it Silly Struthers herself, Lauren Alaina? Was it Boy Meets World school bully James Durbin? What about bobbly blubbering baby shrieker Jacob Lusk? The answer... will ruin you.
Wednesday night's American Idol was a little like guest mentor Sheryl Crow: filled with talent, but dogged by a weird commitment to blandness. The good and bad news is that Idol gifted us with five singers, ten performances, and rankings that pretty much write themselves. Was Scotty McCreery's Elvis cover a trip to Dis-Graceland? Should Jesus have taken the wheel on Lauren Alaina's Carrie Underwood cover? And did Haley Reinhart come in at #1 for the third week in a row on our tally? Click ahead for the rundown.
The bladed pendulum of unpopularity swung down on another American Idol contestant last night, and the world wept. Or cheered? Either way, the world saw what was going on. But who got the boot? Was it luskmonster Jacob Lusk? Was it Howley Reinhart? What about Mr. Beardsley himself, Casey Abrams? The answer is after the jump, with a full memorial.
You're incorrect if you think "Carole King week" is a boring idea. Shut up, ugly girl. You know who sang Carole King songs? Aretha Franklin, Dusty Springfield and Laura Nyro. Read: not chumps. Carole is a no-nonsense Brooklyn broad who majored in dreamweaving and wrote the most gorgeous -- and eventually, anthemic -- songs of the '60s and '70s. You tolerated Elton John week, and he and Bernie wrote lyrics like, "Daniel, my brother, you are older than me." Shut up again. Carole is a sorceress and Idol is not good enough for her, but these miniature hucksters tried with all of their lunch money and Star Search gestures to honor her. We have six performers and nine performances to rank; let's feel like natural women and claw their faces off.
Whether you're going with a date or a bunch of bros, The Hangover Part II is sure to be one of the biggest films of the summer. It goes to reason then that one of its many stars would travel to Studio 8H at Rockefeller Center to host Saturday Night Live during the promotional tour. Just which star will be forced to do an awkward monologue? (Hint: Not the monkey.)
Last year when Steve Carell announced that he would be leaving The Office, NBC was not sure how to replace the actor, who had gone on to develop a successful film career for himself. Would they promote from within Dunder Mifflin or hire an outsider with as much star power as Carell? In a surprise move, NBC overshot expectations by recruiting two of the biggest box office stars (comically speaking) to Scranton: Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey. Can these comedians boost ratings for the series, which in its seventh season, is slumping number-wise?
Oh, no. One of the seven remaining American Idol contestants was booted from the karaoke pizza party last night. (P.S., I wish this show was called Karaoke Pizza Party). Who was ousted? Was it Jacob Lusk and his stanky stank? Haley Reinhart and her not-quite-focused stare? Stefano Langone and his fine tees? Or did a surprise candidate sneak up and fall on his sword? Join us for the memorial.
"Songs from the 21st Century!" It sounds like a Timbaland biography or a pitiful, latter-day Rod Stewart album, but it was only an American Idol theme devoted to songs these infants might know. Did you dig my girl Naima's hip-hopping, Tae Kwon Do antics during the kickoff performance of "So What" with the other losers? I almost cried and bicycle kicked the TV with my dreadlocks. She's still stan-deen! Meanwhile, seven non-losers remain in this perky pageant, and we need to rank them according to how much I don't want to kill them. Let's move.
Another Thursday came, went, and ruined the life of an Idol hopeful. We'll never know why he/she bit the dust, but we can honor his/her legacy with an amusing diatribe disguised as a tribute. So, who was the loser? Was it the murderous heartland terrorizer Scotty McCreery? The winsome Paul McDonald? Pia Toscano again, just to be hilarious? Or was it Lauren Alaina, Haley Reinhart, Casey Abrams, James Durbin, or that beleaguered little punchinello Stefano Langone? The answer and eulogy await you.
It's Movieline week* on American Idol, loves. The eight remaining contestants sang songs from the cinema, and in honor of Movieline, they were awesome, sexually virile, and kind of funny! I half-expected Stefano Langone to break into a rib-tickling Bad Movies We Love monologue! As usual, it's our duty to rake through Idol's talent, blubbering nuisances and potential murderers to rank the best and worst performances. Compare your listing with ours, but don't complain when it turns out you and your opinions are a mistake.
A month ago, Warner Bros. released the first image of Adrianne Palicki as Wonder Woman in NBC's reboot and disappointingly, her body-hugging costume looked like a cheap get-up that sorority girls buy at Ricky's NYC for $29.99. Soon after, Palicki was photographed filming a scene in a slightly less sexy Wonder Woman costume, and fans assumed that Warner Bros. had taken their opinions into consideration and changed Palicki's costume accordingly. They were wrong.
As opposed to last week's Saturday Night Live, with its heavy dose of Elton John and an abundance of cameos, this past weekend's relatively light focus on host Helen Mirren at least let the entire cast get in on the action. In fact, not only was no cast member shut out, but no cast member had less than two appearances. Who prevailed in a crowded field? On to the poll!
There's really no way to soften the blow here: Helen Mirren's turn as Saturday Night Live host was a massive disappointment. Flat, flat, flat... everything the whole night -- well, except her breasts in one sketch -- was flat. Resorting to the tired and meta "SNL isn't funny anymore" jokes as early as the cold open reveals a staff that appears to be looking ahead to its three-week break (SNL, thankfully at this point, doesn't return until May 7). So, yeah, enjoy your break, guys. Please think of something funny while you're gone. Meanwhile, on to a very depressing scorecard...
Oh, these Idol funerals. So touching, devastating, and hilarious every time. Last night another fist-pumping soulster was ousted, and the other eight survivors looked on in tweenage terror. Who got the boot? Was it the trembling televangelist Stefano Langone? Was it the once-saved Casey Abrams? Or what about another lady evictee, just for the hell of it? Let's commemorate the life of another loser after the jump.
This weekend, Helen Mirren, at the age of 65, will become the ninth oldest host in the history of Saturday Night Live. And while the young and spry are terrific for a variety of reasons, let's not forget that some of the greatest moments in SNL history have come from some of its more seasoned hosts -- including one 80-year-old unknown who resulted from a write-in campaign. (Yes, this happened.)
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