On the Wings of Famewhoredom: A Bachelor Finale Analysis

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You can't watch a two-hour Southern epic like The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love without analyzing it like a gumshoe stewing around Tara's charred remains. Here's what I noticed: After 120 minutes of family interactions, Skittle-colored flora, and five-minute helicopter trips, Texan bachelor Jake Pavelka chose between nice girl Tenley and "confrontational" Vienna. Three questions remain: 1) Did he make the sane choice? 2) Do we see a future for the new couple/PR duo? 3) What do we make of Jake's sudden gig on Dancing with the Stars? Julie Miller and I hash it out after the jump. Spoilers ahead!


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1. Did Jake make the right choice with Vienna?

Julie: Well, he made A decision.

Louis: That's important. I think he definitely did the right thing. The only person crying over Tenley's loss is Jake's dad, and that's because he has an undiagnosed crying disorder and weeps at all living things.

Julie: I didn't think he felt a connection with either girl -- the scene of him on the boat with Tenley, where he is obviously thinking, "This girl is not for me," was heartbreaking.

Louis: It was over for Tenley then. Jake was saying, "Isn't it crazy how two people like us can have a connection? Let's never have sex." I knew in the first five minutes of the show that he was going to pick Vienna.

Julie: I didn't think he was going to pick either of the girls. How did you know?

Louis: It looked like he actually had a reaction to Vienna. The entire time with Tenley, I felt like I was watching him think, "This is the boilerplate Bachelor contestant." Also, I don't know if you picked up on this, but Jake is boring. He needs someone with ate-the-bad-berries eyes to rouse him.

Julie: I would argue that he is the most boring bachelor in the history of the franchise and has nothing going for him aside from the Texas accent and his pilot's license. His good looks are immediately outweighed by his all-around-dullness. Which is why I thought that he and Tenley belonged together. I could find a box of hair with more personality than either Jake or Tenley.

Louis: Rozlyn Papa was arguably a box of hair. I concur.

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