The True Blood Jewelry Collection: A Movieline Shopping Guide
Are you an obsessive fan of premium cable programming with a flair for fashion, but have always been bothered that you've had no tasteful way to express your devotion to your favorite pay-TV shows, other than a clumsily realized Cafe Press t-shirt tribute bearing a grainy image of Vinnie Chase or Hank Moody doggy-styling a promiscuous, starstruck co-ed? Then take heart! Because HBO, looking to further exploit the runaway success of True Blood, its campy look at backwoods Louisiana's most fashion-forward undead tastemakers, has just announced the launch of a premium line of True-inspired jewelry that will make you the envy of all the kids at the Hot Topic who've just blown their entire allowance on knockoff Sookie short-shorts. To assist you with the shopping spree you're undoubtedly about to embark on, Movieline's True Blood recapper extraordinaire Seth Abramovitch and Editor at Large Mark Lisanti are taking some time to walk you through the collection, piece by exquisite piece.
Mark: First, we have the Sandblasted Silver Double Ring with Two Rubies in the Center (the actual name! a mouthful, but very descriptive.) Right away, I'm a little concerned. Silver?
Seth: Maybe it's a vampire repellant.
Mark: Is its purpose to immobilize two fingers of your vampire prey? Seems dangerous.
Seth: My first reaction, before reading the description, was that it would make a nice labia piercing for Sophie-Ann the Vampire Queen of Louisiana.
Mark: Hmm, a little busy for that, I think. But there's a lovely infinity motif in their entire ring line. Love is, after all, eternal.
Seth: Lafayette's secret nuts-spigot?
Mark: It's either an interpretation of Bill's undying love for Sookie, wrought in silver. Or a nuts spigot. I think it could be a dual-purpose item. And at $300, it better be.
Seth: Well I think these pieces are abstract enough that they can be both.
Mark: Agreed. Link your fingers in love or your genitals in genitorture. Whatever you're into.
Seth: Because the first thing I thought of when I saw that little Leather Bracelet with Silver Chain and Ruby was that it would make an adorable collar for Sam in Beagle mode.
Mark: Excellent segue. Next item! Beagle Sam would look absolutely fetching in that. Fetching. Like what a beagle does. (Chases after terrible pun, retrieves pun, returns to crate in shame.)
Seth: Though if he changes shape it runs the risk of snapping or falling off completely.
Mark: This is true. Should he need to escape via housefly mode, the jewelry is lost. $195 dollars down the swamp drain. It's a shame that there's no version big enough to fit Lafayette as a collar. Seems like something he could wear on his webcam sex shows. For his discreet S&M clientele.
Seth: Actually I think the Stainless Steel Chain Necklace with Extension is a direct allusion to Eric's basement slave wheel.
Mark: Indeed, that extension seems sturdy enough to lash to any large dungeon device, not just those in the donkey-wheel family. Trudge in a circle, over and over, wondering when your captor is going to drain your blood and damn you to an undead existence, and look fabulous while doing it!
Seth: I hope they come out with a line of True Blood surgical implantation devices, in honor of Lafayette's doomed, sexually-experimental slavemate.
Mark: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Simple, elegant jewelry first, surgical implantation devices next. It's a platformed approach to merchandising.
Seth: Let's cut to the chase: How much will I have to shell out to get that "Eric" look the ladies love so much?
Mark: Hmm. How does $195 sound?
Seth: Like a sound investment!