The True Blood Jewelry Collection: A Movieline Shopping Guide
Mark: I think it's time we look at the big-ticket item.
Seth: It's a beauty. The Stainless Steel Invisible Clasp Necklace with Rubies. $1,295.00, plus taxes and handling charges.
Mark: At $1295, we're no longer fooling around. This is heirloom-quality stuff. That you can personally hand down to your great-great grandchildren, since you never die.
Seth: This item separates the True Blood-inspired-jewelry-collecting boys from the men. I mean, I've heard the expression, "Dripping in ruby-like composite before" but this is ridiculous.
Mark: It's like something Maryanne would wear to her most upscale black-eyed-zombie orgy. Accessorizing perfectly with a Sterling Silver Bull Head.
Seth: I could seriously see some major star on the red carpet, responding, "True Blood Jewelry Collection, created in an edgy fusion of sterling silver, polished steel and luminous red rubies, many of which feature a patented fang-like clasp!!!" when asked who designed that spectacular piece.
Mark: You see, you're paying for grace notes like those fang-clasps.
Attention to detail, consummate craftsmanship. You could have any run-of-the-mill clasp in an inferior vampire-jewelry collection. Here, you get fangs.
Seth: It's enough to turn other goth girls green with envy.
Mark: OR THEIR NECKS GREEN, FROM INFERIOR COSTUME JEWELRY.
Seth: Bat-clasps are sooooo last season.
Mark:Bat clasps? What is this, f*cking Twilight?
I have to say...if I'm laying out $1300, I think I'm going with the Seven Layer Stainless Steel Chain with Rubies.
Seth: (With fang closure.)
Mark: Opulent. Decadent. Instead of your neck dripping with blood, it's dripping with seven amazing chains of stainless steel.
Seth: Well, I wouldn't say no. HAHAHA! If you were to buy it...for me... You know what I mean.
Mark: I'm sorry, this is only for Evan Rachel Wood types. You have to have that kind of queen-like confidence to carry this one off.
Seth: The only thing she wants is the Stainless Steel Sandblasted Yahtzee Set with Ruby-Pipped Dice.
Mark: Coming next September, at a more-than-reasonable $975!
Seth: and a Euro-model-filled salad bar.
Mark: Now I think you're just getting crazy.
Seth: I'm just going with the fantasy. And isn't what True Blood -- and this collection -- is all about? Surrendering to the drama.
Mark: Indeed, indeed.
Seth: I think we all owe Udi Behr, the designer who brought these creations to life, a big round of applause.
Mark: It couldn't have been an easy assignment, and he carried it off with style, class, and grace. Kudos, Udi! And to HBO, for not being afraid to be simultaneously fabulous and brand-oriented.
Seth: And now, just like other Udi aficionados like Elton John, Ringo Starr , Ludacris, Cyndi Lauper, Angela Bassett and Sharon Stone, I too can bask in his handcrafted opulence.
Mark: And Sam Merlotte! Or Alexandr Saarsgard!
Seth: The collection needs a better tagline, though. Udi Behr: He Wants To Do Bad Things to You?
Mark: And on that note, I think we're done here.
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Comments
Bondage gear + HBO interns + glue gun + plastic rhinestones = True Blood jewelry line
Looks like the cast is going to be decamping Bon Temps and heading to Folsom Street. I hope I get to meet Eric on Sunday.
Even I'm not gay enough for this low-rent tat.
¿J. Lo, usted es un ventilador de La Sangre Verdadera también? Cómo es fresco.
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I am not sure I agree with the last comment.
I am not sure I agree with the last comment.
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All oppositions are contiguous. So when the end is serv’d their Love will bate, If Friendship make it not more fortunate:Friendship, that Love’s elixir, that pure fire Which burns the clearer ’cause it burns the higher.For Love, like earthly fires (which will decay
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