First, a confession: The two-hour American Idol results show riveted me from start to finish. It was like Ordinary People or The Deer Hunter or Slam Dunk Ernest. A triumph of the human spirit, a Greek tragedy of the highest order, and the death knell of two supposed shoo-ins for Idol supremacy. But let's not mourn -- let's rank the 13 remaining contenders according to sheer talent, charisma, and x-factor (tee-hee).
Honestly? Kill those dudes. American Idol's tenth season about the ladies -- these toilet-scrubbing, bathtub-hawking, makeup-sponging femmes who look you in the eye, trill a melody, and demand, like, 8-80% of your soul. For keeps. Last night the Top 12 women crooned with unexpected grace, and today we've got them all listed, exalted, or exposed as frauds (in some special cases). Compare your rankings to ours, and prepare to be wrong.
Saturday Night Live shouldn't even try to execute a Charlie Sheen sketch this weekend unless they can recruit Jimmy Fallon for the gig -- because last night, the Late Night host set the bar for Sheen impressions. Elsewhere, Simon Cowell criticized the new American Idol judges, Chelsea Handler told Conan about Snuggie sex, and Jimmy Fallon's crew got Jersey Shore-ified.
Now joining Cee-Lo Green and Maroon 5's Adam Levine on NBC's singing-competition series The Voice: Christina Aguilera! Hooray! She is a fine singer! Wait. Un-hooray. She's what makes pop radio completely unexciting.
Twelve gents enter, but only five will move on to the next stage of American Idol's gladiatorial fairytale. We watched last night's 12-pack of hopefuls and picked the best, worst, and most confusing performances. How do your rankings compare? Join us for our list, from worst to first.
You know how Charlie Sheen's sons were removed from his home early on Wednesday morning, after the Two and a Half Men actor threatened to cut the head off his estranged wife Brooke Mueller, "put it in a box and send it to [her] mom"? Well, apparently she was not the only person whose life Sheen threatened to brutally end in the past 36 hours. Winning?
Say you're Saturday Night Live and you're trying to promote this weekend's episode hosted by Miley Cyrus. How do you maximize interest in the controversy-prone guest? Judging from this new promo, apparently by ignoring any recent Miley headline (about bongs and familial upheaval) and letting the pop star play with a soundboard, say "pretty cool," and get hugged by Keenan Thompson. Proceed at your own risk.
Last night, Betty White stopped by the Tonight Show to not talk about Charlie Sheen. The nerve. Instead, she and Jay Leno celebrated her recent birthday. Elsewhere, Piers Morgan told Conan about the behind-the-scenes situation during his recent Charlie Sheen interview, B.J. Novak talked about his meeting with Michael Jackson, Stephen Colbert chided CBS, and Jimmy Fallon binged on fast food.
While you were sleeping, Charlie Sheen wasn't. In between calling out to his Twitter followers for questions and comments, Sheen's two children were removed from his home by police after his estranged wife, Brooke Mueller, received a court order following an alleged Sheen-ified death threat: "I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom." Deeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.
What's that? You are not sick of Charlie Sheen after countless radio interviews, morning show segments, backyard investigations and weird Twitpics? Then you're lucky, because the self-described warlock sitcom star engaged in a stalemate with CBS over the fate of Two and a Half Men, appeared on ABC during the second half of 20/20's dramatized sit-down with the actor last night. As always, click through for the most intriguing quotes.
This just in: The songlist for American Idol's Top 12 guys, who perform tonight, is in! There are smart and embarrassing choices on the tally, and all have potential for disaster. Join me for some quick mockery!
Sadly, it is Steve Carell's last week on the set of The Office. To commemorate this sad moment in time -- and further rub salt into the wounds of Dunder Mifflin devotees -- Mindy Kaling has taken to Twitter to rattle off all of the hilarious Michael Scott arcs that the show's writers never had time to explore. Check them out below.
If Charlie Sheen's soundbite filled rants haven't been enough for you this week (it is only Tuesday), then perhaps this will be of interest: Ma-Sheen has a verified Twitter account. The Two and a Half Men star has yet to tweet any missives about tiger's blood, warlocks or anything else just yet, but 20,000 people and counting have followed already. We're waiting. And soon, we'll be winning. [@charliesheen]
Charlie Sheen, whose quippy rancor makes him this generation's Dorothy Parker, isn't the only wiseguy at CBS: Chief Executive Les Moonves responded to the Two and a Half Men star's unending flameout with his own brand of stank. Click ahead to see how scoffy and finger-waggy he gets. (Spoiler: Quite.)
Time to howl in agony, because the rumor about Faye Dunaway joining Dancing with the Stars is untrue. I had her "Three Paso Dobles of the Condor" routine all choreographed! Reality check: The cast of season 12 has been announced, there's no Bonnie Parker in sight, and instead we're stuck with these 11 contenders. One of them is Sugar Ray Leonard, who I like, and another is Kirstie Alley, who raises lemurs. Let's rank 'em.
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