American Idol Top 12 Ladies: Who's Your Only Girl in the World?

Honestly? Kill those dudes. American Idol's tenth season about the ladies -- these toilet-scrubbing, bathtub-hawking, makeup-sponging femmes who look you in the eye, trill a melody, and demand, like, 8-80% of your soul. For keeps. Last night the Top 12 women crooned with unexpected grace, and today we've got them all listed, exalted, or exposed as frauds (in some special cases). Compare your rankings to ours, and prepare to be wrong.

12. Julie Zorrilla, "Breakaway"

Julie Zorrilla, I beg you not to become a math major, because you miscalculated odds in a big way when you chose a second-tier Kelly Clarkson song (Not even "Behind These Hazel Eyes"? For hating you, I blame myself!), bleated it without any new inflection or character, and expected America to vote out seven other women over you. We still like Kelly Clarkson, see. We're still living her breakaway like proud pop immigrant parents. You, on the other hand, are "breaking" into a mold that even Jordin Sparks would call a little "over." Bet she'd sympathize with your middle-school prom updo, though.

11. Ta-Tynisa Wilson, "Only Girl (in the World)"

More like "Only Girl (at the Days Inn lounge in Medesto, May 15-23)." Ta-Tynisa's trembling take on Rihanna proves the great Idol tenet: You cannot sing contemporary dance pop and add vocal runs like a panicked, horsefly-attacked Christina Aguilera. And you certainly can't sound out of breath after 20 seconds of cooing. I'm with rude boy Randy Jackson: S.O.S., girl.

10. Rachel Zevita, "Criminal"

I reserve a special affection for that merry era of mmmbops called 1997. What a time! What a post-Morissette wonderland of female alternative self-expression! What a time capsule that should be boarded up forever now that Rachel Zevita has turned Fiona Apple's "Criminal" into a Sondheim-y schmaltz-o-meal. She's been careless with a delicate hit! This was a seriously terrible arrangement and vocal, redeemed only by the sheer nerve of it. When she's kicked out tomorrow, I expect Ms. Zevita to unleash a Fiona-esque tirade that begins with "This world is bullshit!" and ends with a snarly "Seacrest out."

9. Haley Reinhart, "Fallin'"

No on Haley Reinhart. No on "Fallin'." No on those trite-ass diary lyrics. No on adding toddler growls to songs I already hated in 2001. No on that stupid, "Oh! OH! AHHH-AHHH-Haaa-aaaaah!" section. No on Steven and Jennifer's weird support of this cloying singer. Ugh! This world is bullshit! Seacrest out!

8. Karen Rodriguez, "Hero"

Let's review Jennifer Lopez's gasping overpraise of this performance. In summary: "Karen, you sang in English and Spanish, and I loved that. That's at least two languages right there. Seriously. Not more than five." I'm so enraged by singers that are proud to dish cliches -- the clenched fists, the earnest eye contact, the textbook mic grabs. If you're going to sing "Hero," at least bring some originality and dress as Amelia Earhart, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Tommy Mottola. Seems obvious to me. Or at least don't wear a sea-green frock from Jessica McClintock's "aquatic pageant" catalog.

7. Kendra Chantelle, "Impossible"

It doesn't help that "Kendra Chantelle" sounds like the name of a forgettable Bond girl, maybe the one in The Living Daylights or another Tim Dalton jam. We've barely met the girl, yet she's content to give merely proficient vocals and a tolerable Christina Aguilera cover. Kendra Chantelle, stop acting like someone's understudy. Have an identity.

Or forever be known as the girl who wasn't even as memorable as Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough.

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