REVIEW: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Tells the Real Story Behind the Civil War — Not!

Movieline Score: 4
abelincoln_rev

It’s not every day you see a movie and ask yourself, “Why does this thing even exist?” But I’m truly puzzled by the existence of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I get that it’s based on a novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, part of a pop literary genre — launched by Grahame-Smith himself — that takes famous figures, fictional or otherwise, and pits them against vampires and zombies. I get that it’s directed by Timur Bekmambetov, the zany Russian-Kazakh mastermind behind cult apocalyptic favorites Night Watch and Day Watch (2004 and 2006, respectively), not to mention the stupidly entertaining 2008 action thriller Wanted. I even grant you that it’s probably OK to make up wholly imaginary motives for why Abraham Lincoln might have wanted to end slavery, motives having to do not with the preservation of human dignity, equality between all people and all that rot, but because it was kind of a handy sideline to the task of ridding the world of vampires. I know and accept all of this. And still I ask — Why?

I do understand, sort of, the appeal of Benjamin Walker, a young actor who made a splash on the New York stage a few years back in another semi-historical (actually, pretty damn historical) work of fiction, Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson. In Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, he plays first the young and then, with a strip of fun fur attached to his chin, the older Abe Lincoln, radiating a suitable degree of Mount Rushmorelike intensity.

But again I ask — Why? Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter provides an alternative history of the Civil War, one that begins during Abe’s childhood: He realizes an evil neighbor has caused the death of his mother, but he doesn’t know exactly how. Later, he meets a fellow who explains it all: Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper) gives Abe the lowdown on vampires who restlessly walk the earth — the man who murdered Abe’s mother was one of these nasty dudes — and then trains him in the art of vampire destruction (it’s a little more complicated than you might imagine), necessitating a training sequence in which Abe learns to twirl an ax like a majorette at Ole Miss.

Mid-movie, Abe retires from the vampire hunting game and turns his attention to politics. By this time, he’s married (to a serene Mary Todd, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead), and before long, the Civil War breaks out and things get really hairy, including his chin. It’s then that Abe learns the bloodsuckers, led by vampires extraordinaire Adam (Rufus Sewell) and Vedoma (leggy model-turned-actress Erin Wasson), play an even more sinister role in American politics than he’d previously thought. Meanwhile, the always-terrific Anthony Mackie wanders through the film listlessly as Abe’s Black Friend.

It doesn’t take long for Bekmambetov to wear out his welcome with a laundry list of generic-looking action sequences: When you’ve seen one vampire get stabbed in the eyeball, you’ve seen ’em all. Actually, the script, written by Grahame-Smith, explains the whole North vs. South, Abolitionist vs. pro-slavery interests, vampire vs. human thing pretty well, considering how inane it is. And the picture is surprisingly handsome-looking, especially for a 3D vehicle. (The DP is Caleb Deschanel.) But none of those attributes are enough to convince me that Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn’t the sort of story that’s best left as an unfilmed concept. The moment Winstead’s Mary Todd Lincoln taps her foot impatiently and calls to her husband, “Hurry, Abraham — we’ll be late for the theater!” can’t come soon enough. At least Grahame-Smith had the good sense to realize he couldn’t make up a better ending.

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Comments

  • The best take on Lincoln and his wife Mary--who was definitely NUTS-- is the Geico
    commercial---Honest Abe admits that her dress DOES make her look, uh, less than
    petite. And that commercial's funny AND short.

    No axe-swinging, either. "Abraham Lincoln, you're going to that play even if it kills you!!"
    KRIS THE KLINGON

  • mark1111 says:

    What is so friggin' wrong these days with movie goers just accepting a popcorn movie for being just a popcorn movie??? since when did WANTED ever proclaim to be anything close to DOCTOR ZHIVAGO? Why should ABE LINCOLN VAMP KILLER try and be more than what it was only meant to be -- a great summer thrill ride?

    • Dog Barks says:

      Look at the reviewer, she's like a 63 year old woman. Obviously she's not gonna like this type of movie. Better get back to your period pieces, Granny.

      LAME REVIEW(ER).

    • GLAM says:

      "What is so friggin' wrong these days with movie goers just accepting a popcorn movie for being just a popcorn movie???"

      Because Hollywood offers nothing else than popcorn. And if you only get popcorn you typically ask for nothing else. Cannibals don't ask for salad either.

    • Ozwald says:

      Because from the very beginning, this was not intended to be a Summer thrill ride. If you read the book, the history plays as big of a role as the characters themselves. They invented antagonists that were cliché when the ones in the book were so much more sinister, they made the heroes look dopey and campy and invented sidekicks to blatantly appeal to a wider audience, and they skipped just about everything from the book that made it so enjoyable. What the hell was the horse scene and the train ride? Nothing more than a visually self-indulgent joyride because the director, Timur Bumberfuck, has a hard time substituting content for style.

  • Matthew Priestly says:

    I'm so weary of these crazy spin offs. That's why I will always watch classic films, even the early sci fi films are better that this. That's why I'm really excited for Giorgio Moroder’s limited edition of Metropolis that will be released on DVD in the UK. It will be viewable online on July 23rd through YEKRA. Until then, watch the official trailer at Metropolismovie.co.uk.

  • J George says:

    Why? Because fun is legitimate. And FYI it's OK to make up wholly imaginary ANYTHING.

  • Laure Olson says:

    Hey, I'm older and like these kinds of movies. Love alternative history and really find this Benjamin Walker a very interesting, intelligent talent.

  • Trin says:

    The movie was great & action packed! I loved the metaphors..

  • Brieftaube says:

    I am always amazed how a few Barking Dogs (who'd rather be pissin', right?) like insulting perfectly sane movie critics just because they (the dogs) can't take an opinion for what it is. If you don't like the review and feel personally insulted, you moron, go to Rotten Tomatoes, look for the review with the ripe red tomato - and red that one. Or shove it, but please, stop whining! The filmmakers do not need you to defend their work. Their opinions of what they have been churning out are as divisive within the same crew, you freakin' ignorants!

  • chris surfcrab says:

    Great concept... Good movie...the lady is entitled to her opinión she is also entitled to shut her yapper !

  • Piper says:

    Very neat article post. Really Great.

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