38 Reasons to Never Go to the Movies Again

Still feeling nihilistic? So's Michael Musto! "Apparently, you pay Scientology, and they help your career big time. But in the old days, the studios closeted you for free! ... I'd rather read an old Pauline Kael review of a movie than watch the actual movie. ... The film biz should pick one day out of the calendar year and declare it 'No Fart Jokes or Car Crashes Day.' ... And how about 'No Pretentious, Scenery-Chewing Oscar-Grubbing Month' (and let's make it December)? ... Every important film from an auteur bloats in at exactly two hours and 20 minutes. One second less would obviously be a creative abortion. ... Today's stars should never do historical epics. Chin implants and pillow lips look funny in the Middle Ages. ... Opening credits have become ridiculous. 'Dingdong Films, under the auspices of Crapola Productions, in association with FilMagic, Cinema Paradise, and Rutgers University, along with Kazilloscope Matters Inc., and Hempstead Futons, Presents an Ashton Kutcher Joint ...'" [Village Voice]

[Photo via Shutterstock]


  • Patrick Hallstein says:

    That is such a fun article!

  • dukeroberts says:

    What a great rant.

  • SO...you go to the theater, but your large artificially
    buttered popcorn and your super-maximum-jumbo
    king-sized drink, and munch and slurp away.

    The overly long and blaring commercials start, and
    eventually the trailers begin. Munch munch.

    After a half-hour of this, the movie begins. All the
    stars names, production companies, all that crap...
    Hooray. Your popcorn's just about gone, and Dr
    Pepper is doing an examination of your innards.

    We're past the two hour mark, and Dr Pepper is now
    giving the brain the order: "GET THIS BLADDER TO
    THE RESTROOM. STAT!!" But the friggin' movie is
    STILL grinding away. If you go now, you'll miss the
    big ho-hum ending!

    So if there are to be these Soily Awards, have the
    BLADDER AWARD for the longest agonizing film of

    • S.T. VanAirsdale says:


      Also: If "Full Peed Ahead" isn't yet a fetish-porn series, someone had better get on that.

  • KevyB says:

    Thank GAWD somebody's bitching about those damn Production Company credits! If we have to see over a minute of those things, then give us the title of the movie and then START THE DAMN MOVIE! I don't care how fancy your credit sequence is, Mr Fincher (especially when it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the movie), your movie is already TWO HOURS AND FORTY MINUTES LONG!

  • Alan says:

    Hardly can I believe that such faultless blogs exist.

  • Lucy says:

    It looks to me that this website doesnt load on a Motorola Droid. Are other folks getting the exact same problem? I enjoy this web site and dont want to have to skip it whenever Im gone from my computer.