Dancing with the Stars Bruno Tonioli Heart Attack Meter: Samba/Swing Week

Last night's Dancing with the Stars brought us the samba, some Argentine tango, and a madcap marathon of swing that was one Fonzarelli short of a TV classic. With so much action, the question arises: Did Bruno Tonioli have a staggering heart attack? Join us as we rate his reactions, comments, and vital signs.

Jake Pavelka

Score: 21

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 4 (tickle in the chest and sugarplums, slightly bloated)

Comments: "Your samba lacked bounce, my good sex machine! Woof, I say. I enjoyed your pelvis gyrations though. Mmm, yes! Otherwise, Jake, you were your usual laxative with a smiley face on it. Boo. Good try and rowr to you in all your journeys."

Evan Lysacek

Score: 21

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 4 (intestinal skirmish, adrenaline rush of below-average John Grisham third act)

Comments: "Awwwww. Il mio povero leopard (My poor leopard.) Your concussion! So scary! Unfortunately, Catman, you had a litter dinner tonight. It's true. You have very good lines most nights, but not this evening. You served us Meow Mix and we wanted sex and ass banditry. Sorry, sir."

Niecy Nash

Score: 21

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 5 (single hip thrust, scarlet fever, pupils widen like in anime)

Comments: "Breast jackelope! You and your 'dancing.' If you kick all your men like that, please stay away from my lunchbox! (Points at groin.) This Lunchable's got unprocessed meat and a Skittles packet, you see. YAH-TA-TA. (Moons Len Goodman.) Heh-heh. Remember to keep up the intensity, m'dear. Fell asleep when your breasts stopped playing piggyback with each other. Ah-ooh-gah anyway, madam."

Erin Andrews

Score: 25

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (pinball pupils, naked under the table)

Comments: "Len, my good impotent albatross, do not punish Erin! She did not choreograph this! You were great, love. You sambaed like a tricky chicky who wants to pounce on boys bottom-down, chin skyward. AWW-ROWR-MEOW, you know?"

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