Celebrity Apprentice Recap: 5 Totally Unprofessional Quotes

Watching Celebrity Apprentice isn't the same knowing bandanna sorcerer Bret Michaels is in intensive care, but the Poison rocker worked up an immortal sweat in last night's workout-themed episode. The Donald assigned the seven remaining players (on redistributed teams) to hold workout classes at a fitness center and raise money using desperate phone calls and Holly Robinson Peete's rolodex. While Holly's team (with Cyndi, Summer, and Curtis) won the challenge, no one was sent home because Trump declared everyone a winner -- and because Michael Johnson left early and NBC has an episode requirement to fill. Inspiring, indeed. So where does that leave us? Why, counting up the most unprofessional quotes from our celebrity contestants, of course! Guarantee: The No. 1 will inspire you to put down that cheesecake and pick up your aroused groin.

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5. Donald Trump: "Sharon, do you want to go home?"

Sharon Osbourne: "No I don't, Mr. Trump."

Holly Robinson Peete: "But you said you did the other night."

Holly and Sharon are the two organisms on Earth who haven't seen the first season of Top Chef. Otherwise Holly would've cut herself off mid-sentence here and apologized right away. "Excuse me," she'd have said. "I was just about to 'throw you under the bus' as it were, Sharon. Pardon me." Sharon would've responded, "I'm glad you didn't. Because 'I'm not your bitch, bitch,'" and normalcy would've resumed. Unfortunately, neither referenced Bravo's Familiar Quotations, and Holly exposed Sharon and her previously announced desire to quit like a TV-uninformed tattletale (or a "titter-tatter," as Sharon put it). Sharon will pack her knives and go when it's her time, Holly, not because you crow about who considered leaving the competition. Lucky for her, both she and Sharon are hangin' with Trump's proverbial Mr. Cooper for another week.

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4. Cyndi Lauper: "I can't even call David Hasselhoff -- who I meet occasionally in the strangest places! First time was Hawaii! Next time I was workin' in Paris, and there he was! And then I was workin' on The Apprentice and there he was! Then one time I was talkin' about him, and then I saw a man that looked just like him, but it wasn't! So it was kind of a Hasselhoff sighting!"

Cyndi was mostly M.I.A. this episode thanks to a buttoned-down Today Show engagement with Lady Gaga, but she stuck around long enough to place calls and earn a few bucks for her team's campaign. After wheedling a few donations out of celebrity friends (including Gaga, who donated $25,000, an emissary to grant the check, and monster outfits for all the children of the world), Cyndi started on this strange Hasselhoff monologue. Lauper, it's never cool to brag about "almost" seeing The Hoff. Lots of people almost see the Hoff. I almost see The Hoff when the shadows of my darkened bathroom hit the mirror the wrong way, like Bloody Mary. I'm double-checking my linen closet as we speak. We all should.

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