American Idol Recap: Finding the No. 1 Among No. 1's
Ugh. Good try, season nine, but last night's performances of Billboard's No. 1 hits felt more like a sad carnival concert of dated ballads, stale beer and overplayed Best of the '70s jams that belong nowhere near the charts in 2010. Even with the guidance of ageless warlord Miley Cyrus, the contestants seemed lost and a little lonely during their performances, with stupid falsettos and nervous sweats once again threatening our good time. Still, we've got your Idol performances ranked worst-to-first after the jump.
11. Paige Miles, "Against All Odds"
Paige Miles has an undeniable gift -- for choosing ballads that she can't sing. Guh-her! There's not a single novel quality left in "Against All Odds," and Paige didn't add a thing to it. She's following the blueprint of some woebegone season-two contestant whose identity is wrapped up in serviceable takes on standards and bland hits. Take your Charlie Chaplin songbook and hide in the nearest hat and mustache, Paige.
10. Andrew Garcia, "I Heard It Through the Grapevine"
Khaki-coated peanut M&M Andrew Garcia is not haunted by his stupid-ass-train-station-breakdown version of "Straight Up." No, Kara. He's haunted by hokey stage presence, hilarious coos and the dance moves of an average youth-group administrator. This man shouldn't be leading the charts -- he should be leading scrawny preteens in cah-RAZY a cappella prayers. Marvin Gaye requires regular healing in addition to sexual now.
9. Katie Stevens, "Big Girls Don't Cry
Katie Stevens did her "I can young it up!" thing this week, opting to pick a tune that could've made her sound like she was born in the past 20 years. But as much as Randy Jackson insists that Idol is a singing competition, Katie proves it's not; She can sing, but she can't connect with a song, make it her own or make it memorable. And those qualities will be her downfall, eventually -- not her voice. As for sounding "beyond her years," as others keep claiming, I think Katie sounds like what she is: A 17-year-old reaching for relevance through her surprisingly deep tone. She's not there. Use a stepstool, dear. Or a Siobhan Magnus mask.