American Idol Recap: Finding the No. 1 Among No. 1's

Ugh. Good try, season nine, but last night's performances of Billboard's No. 1 hits felt more like a sad carnival concert of dated ballads, stale beer and overplayed Best of the '70s jams that belong nowhere near the charts in 2010. Even with the guidance of ageless warlord Miley Cyrus, the contestants seemed lost and a little lonely during their performances, with stupid falsettos and nervous sweats once again threatening our good time. Still, we've got your Idol performances ranked worst-to-first after the jump.

11. Paige Miles, "Against All Odds"

Paige Miles has an undeniable gift -- for choosing ballads that she can't sing. Guh-her! There's not a single novel quality left in "Against All Odds," and Paige didn't add a thing to it. She's following the blueprint of some woebegone season-two contestant whose identity is wrapped up in serviceable takes on standards and bland hits. Take your Charlie Chaplin songbook and hide in the nearest hat and mustache, Paige.

10. Andrew Garcia, "I Heard It Through the Grapevine"

Khaki-coated peanut M&M Andrew Garcia is not haunted by his stupid-ass-train-station-breakdown version of "Straight Up." No, Kara. He's haunted by hokey stage presence, hilarious coos and the dance moves of an average youth-group administrator. This man shouldn't be leading the charts -- he should be leading scrawny preteens in cah-RAZY a cappella prayers. Marvin Gaye requires regular healing in addition to sexual now.

9. Katie Stevens, "Big Girls Don't Cry

Katie Stevens did her "I can young it up!" thing this week, opting to pick a tune that could've made her sound like she was born in the past 20 years. But as much as Randy Jackson insists that Idol is a singing competition, Katie proves it's not; She can sing, but she can't connect with a song, make it her own or make it memorable. And those qualities will be her downfall, eventually -- not her voice. As for sounding "beyond her years," as others keep claiming, I think Katie sounds like what she is: A 17-year-old reaching for relevance through her surprisingly deep tone. She's not there. Use a stepstool, dear. Or a Siobhan Magnus mask.

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  • BH says:

    Crystal is by far the best singer ,someone said she's fresh no way is she fresh she sounds like Janis Joplin and the singers they used to have in the coffee shop's in the 70's and she look's like a bag lady with that nasty hair .
    One week she looked mad as hell about something .but she is the best singer .
    Now this thing about Casey when he took his shirt off i was sooo embarrassed for him sexual harrasssment at its best,I wish he had told Kara to go to hell,wonder what would have happened if Randy had said something like that to one of the girls??
    And Simon Idiotarama Cowell well what can i say he's rich thats about all except he's rude cruel and an embarrassment to the United Kingdom
    Now about the show AI?I think it should be called the Ryan Seacrest show since he's on camera more than anyone,maybe that's why he and Cowell have it out everyonce in a while one week thought he was going to punch Cowell,[would have liked that]

  • A-freaking-men! Didi Benami killed it with "You're No Good" and I was appalled that the judges reamed her for it. What were they hoping to find, if not a great performance that captivated the audience and played up to Didi's voice? I just don't get what they're looking for.
    And Crystal Bowersox always kills it. I have no clue what Ellen was talking about. Bowersox is oozing just isn't the bubbly, TMZ-watching, Bieber-loving personality that they want.

  • Shirley says:

    1. The judges X each other out with their criticisms. Very confusing to the contestant.
    2. The contestants would fair better if the "Judges" gave them some
    kind encouragement such as "you can do it."
    Keep the contestants zap the judges.

  • Thinker says:

    Start listening to these people when they sing. Now which ones can you hear breathing. When listening to a singer, you really don't want to hear them inhaling to get enough breath to sing their songs.

  • lori says:

    cant stand judge ellen!! this is the worst group of singers ever!! casey is bad! the dreds girl is boring. where is the good one this year?? none!!!! micheal is the only one who i would buy and thats iffy!!!

  • mom21 says:

    Watch mouth, completly inapropriate to use the "F" word, unprofessional. Children are reading this!

  • siobhan says:

    It's going to come down to Lee Crystal and Siobhan. Lee is Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!

  • tbhart says:

    Sigh...another night...another bore...not that the performances were like a pail scraping over cement....but honestly, there just didn't seem to be any "life" in any of the performances...
    This marathon of weekly performance has to be don't give your total best on week two...where do you go from there?
    I suspect that the front runners...have peaked too early and don't have any more to give..maybe it is the "celeb of the week" giving them "advise"...cmn let them do their own thing and let the audience see there inner souls....
    ...and what moron came up with the "talez of the crypt" inspiration to sing the Rolling Stones tunes. Cmn...some of these kids weren't even born to know how "to feel" the songs.
    The judges...well... it is obvious they are burnt out too...just like the audience.
    In my opinion....AI has run its course....

  • amy siders says:

    casey is a recording artist he is ready
    andy garcia needs to go
    didi needs to go
    strictly my oppion

  • patricia says:

    You are nuts Cyrstal is great,you know I read where she was teased in school,probably by shallow people like yourself,she is her own person.Her voice is great,I had tears after her Bobby Mcgee.That does not happen easy.Not since Fantasia did Summer time.You should be ashamed for making this about her being shy.You and perhaps Ellen should walk where Crystal has walked.YOu might be shy also.That Hippie can sing.

  • Jane Perkins says:

    That is the dumbest comparison I have ever heard.Besides someone must have liked that Taylor Hicks,if your sister can do that put her to work.I think Crystal is amazing,second place is Lee Dewyze.Casey is cute he should be a model,He plays a good guitar.The young Lambert boy is good especially considering his age.The rest are all mediocre at best

  • Jane Perkins says:

    It is going to come down to Crystal ,and Lee.I am a big Crystal fan,last night Lee had the best performance,he has a Chris Daughtry sound to his voice.I also like Casey,he is great eye candy.He should be modeling ,he sings pretty good and plays a mean guitar.That along with his looks will take him far.As far as the personalities of the contestants,who knows what events shaped their personality.Just know,that with some stars,their destiny is shaped by their history.For example ,I read where Crystal was teased a lot as a child ,that would be enough for her to put up a shield,to try and protect herself.Just remember it is a lot harder for people who don't come from a background of acceptance ,and belonging,to step on that stage than it does ,someone who has always been nutured and encouraged.I say go Crystal she has amazing talent.

  • TBHART says:

    American Spiral Season Nine.
    Urban in? Stevenss In? Benami Out?
    Audience: Single Digit IQ's
    Judges: Narcisicist, Menopausal flirt, Music Mute, and former mohawk, hair style, has been Dog.
    Bring on Howard Stern: He would be an upgrade!
    Remote Control: CLICK

  • Abolish reality TV says:

    American Idiot, er, um, I mean Idol, is one of the many, many reasons why today sucks beyond belief!