Oprah Winfrey: The Next 19 Months Of Goodbye
Today, a sucker-punched nation mourns as the news that Oprah Winfrey, the closest thing we have to the Lord Himself taking daytime TV host form and spreading love and goodness through America's broadcast airwaves, will end her syndicated, culture-changing talk show in May of 2011, giving stunned fans a mere 19 months to come to grips with this life-altering upheaval. To help those abandoned viewers better cope with this long goodbye, Movieline now dusts off its crystal ball (purchased following Oprah's Favorite Things recommendation of 2005, during her brief, bizarre fling with gypsy mysticism) and looks at what the next year and a half will hold for the big O and her show:
Shortly after her televised announcement about the fate of the talk show, representatives of her OWN cable network reveal the long-planned channel will launch in January of 2011, four months prior to the The Oprah Winfrey Show's planned demise.
November 25, 2009: To lessen the still-stinging blow of her historic decision, Oprah reveals that she's bought ten million fifteen-pound, free-range turkeys for her fans, which they may pick up at their nearest Whole Foods location. "Have Thanksgiving on me, everybody! EVERYBODY GETS A TURKEY! YOU GET A TURKEY AND YOU GET A TURKEY AND YOU GET A TURKEY AND [points into tv camera] AND YOU GET A TURKEY!" she shouts before embarking on a brief holiday hiatus. Local downmarket grocery chains are soon besieged by people without access to a Whole Foods, who demand their Oprah bird anyway.
December 23, 2009: In her last show before the Christmas holiday break, Oprah shrugs off rumbling about her ratings decline and demonstrates her still-estimable drawing power by booking the entire Jolie-Pitt clan for a live nativity scene. "We're going to miss you so much, O!" cries Brad/Joseph, while Angelina/Mary weeps softly over a manger containing her twins. "Oh, I have it on good authority that fun things like this will be happening all the time on OWN, and you're always welcome there," reassures Oprah, winking to the camera as wild applause breaks out in the studio audience.