Oprah Winfrey: The Next 19 Months Of Goodbye

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March 15, 2010: Continuing a rigorously scheduled awareness-building campaign, Oprah sends all audience members home with a solid-gold panini press that scorches the OWN logo onto each sandwich. "Grilled cheese tastes OWN-licious on your OWN gold panini machine, y'all! YAAAAAAY!" Oprah screams until hoarse.

July 8, 2010: Oprah dedicates an entire episode to a disturbing study allegedly demonstrating that the over-the-air broadcast of digital television causes cervical cancer, inviting onto the show a panel of medical experts who urge that anyone still receiving their HD signal via rabbit ears immediately sign up for cable TV.

September 14, 2010: Each delighted studio audience member rides home in style in a brand-new Bentley emblazoned with the OWN logo. Many lucky ladies faint dead away when Oprah explains that Harpo Productions is even picking up the tax liability for its two-hundred-strong new army of brand ambassadors. Local nightly news shows are dominated by segments about Winfrey's amazing largesse, featuring clips of hooting new Bentley OWNers rolling out of the studio's parking lot.

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