Mad Men Power Rankings, Week Six: 'One Minute You're On Top Of The World, And The Next Some Secretary's Running You Over With A Lawnmower'

There's an old saying that's been passed down from generation to generation in the secretarial pool, from wizened, office-terrorizing battleax to doe-eyed steno girl: "One day you're sitting on the top of the world, and the next day you're having your guts ripped out by a secretary brandishing a chainsaw.", that's not quite how it goes. But we're sure it'll come to us! In the meantime, your Mad Men Power Rankings for Week Six, after the jump:


1. Don Draper (even) Last week: 1

The British are coming, the British are coming! Is Don Draper afraid? No, of course not! (OK, perhaps a little.) In the face of such a threat, we expect Don to coolly put on his tri-corner hat, grab a musket, and crouch behind the copier, waiting for the right moment to get the drop on one of the red-coated, penny-pinching invaders from across the pond. (Or, if things got a little too hairy, to wait until Pete Campbell was shot in the back while in full retreat, steal his uniform, and embark on a new life as a smug weasel in a different part of Manhattan. Whatever made sense in the moment.) Alas, even with the unexpected corporate restructuring spearheaded by Accounts prodigy Guy "We'll Forgive The On-The-Nose Name Because He's Soon To Be The Greatest One-Off Character in the History of Basic Cable Dramas" McKendrick, Don did not find himself, as Bert Cooper speculated, handed an advertising fiefdom that spanned two continents and an ocean, with a company-provided row house in London and an entire fading empire's service industry waiting to be sexually conquered. Instead, the Brits arrived, rudely shat upon the notion of American independence, and left Don to wonder about a future on the wrong end of a gently downward-sloping line beneath McKendrick's name on the corporate flow chart.

But then! Litch'erally right at that moment, a phone call! From Connie "Remember the Guy From A Couple Weeks Back Who Wasn't Actually a Bartender, And It Was A Little Confusing, But Then The Internet Told You That Guy Was Actually Historical Rich Person Connie Hilton" Hilton! Connie wanted a freebie from Don, and Don, as an advertising professional -- nay, as the advertising professional -- blanched at the idea of offering Connie a free sneer at his terrible mouse-related campaign. But Don, realizing there was a chance to land the whale of the Hilton account and further impress the British conquerors, acquiesced, telling Connie he'd like a shot at his business. Think bigger, dummy! encouraged Connie. Then, classic Don, perfect Don, snake-metaphors-were-important-this-week Don: "There are snakes that go months without eating and then they finally catch something. But they're so hungry they suffocate while they're eating. One opportunity at a time." Don Draper is never one to choke while he's got his partially unhinged jaw wrapped around a fat guinea pig. (Snake metaphors were important this week.)

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  • Blackcapricorn says:

    A slow clap for each and every one of these beauties, although we would've had words if the lawnmower wasn't ranked this week!
    And that really was an inspiring piece of fanfic for lil Sally there.

  • Lois Sadler Rules says:

    If Lois doesn't deserve a power ranking this week, no one does! Except, of course, for Sally. Sadly, I think Lois can finally be added to the "exiting" section.

  • nojo says:

    I haven't enjoyed a televised moment so much since Bush ducked the shot.

  • nojo says:

    Er, shoe.

  • emberglance says:

    Phew, I've spent all morning trying to remember what Joan said to Don in the waiting room - I knew it was something wry and understated. Hmmm, but is she leaving Sterling Cooper? Can such a thing even be contemplated?

  • robenoir says:

    I said this over at the AV club, and I meant it: I can't believe my favorite part of watching Mad Men now is to find out what the Fingerbang Threat Level will be the next day.

  • bess marvin, girl detective says:

    I knew Sally asked for that nightlight for a reason. Baby Gene, I'd watch out.

  • anon says:

    The power rankings & finger bang threat are perhaps some of the funniest stuff on the internet. Even enough to make one look forward to Mondays! I don't know what I'm going to do on Mondays in between seasons of Mad Men!

  • sweetbiscuit says:

    Awesome in every way.

  • snaporaz says:

    my ovaries combusted in that last scene with don and his kids.
    what a great episode, the foot scene was fantastic in so many ways, i cant find words to describe it.
    i love MM power rankings!

  • J says:

    Pretty funny how Joan tended to the 'Guy's' blood gushing toes with concise action. I guess she has brains in her fingers. 😉

  • This is completely true, thanks for having my evening just a little more tolerant.