Note to future Video Music Award hosts: Television critics are generally not fans of herpes humor, pre-taped sketches parodying sexual harassment, overtly sexual come-ons, one-liners about accidental pregnancies, casual racism, or any kind of material about your promiscuity and/or alcoholism -- at least if you're a female comedian. Take Movieline's word for it, because Chelsea Handler learned the hard way. Read on for nine criticisms -- from fair to downright hateful -- of the first lady VMA host in sixteen years.
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Onscreen defecation. Back hair removal. Gay-shaming Newsweek reporter Ramin Setoodeh. Britney Spears's vagina. What do they all have in common? They're all featured in the insane Joaquin Phoenix documentary I'm Still Here, and if you can believe it, there are some things in it that are even weirder. Here are the 9 most unsettling things about the movie:
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Listen, I am no fashion critic, and Movieline's "9 Most Scathing" feature very rarely extends beyond the realm of terrible new films. I also know our female celebrities face an endlessly difficult challenge of finding a balance between classic red-carpet appeal and envelope-pushing couture. So in that regard, I tip my cap to January Jones, whose Emmy look in Versace represented an eye-popping embrace of risk, presence, glamour and about 80 or 90 discarded blue mylar balloons. True, Jones's de-accessorized, bedheaded, train-for-days style had its fans. But its critics are speaking a little louder today, and, well, they're right. Read on for a noteworthy cross-section.
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It's kind of a depressing morning out there for movie fans, what with the preponderance of useless development news or recycled old nuggets about everyone from Doug Liman to Ben Stiller. This isn't déjà vu; it's just a faintly defined outer circle of Hell. And then there's this: Robert Rodriguez wants to make a fourth Spy Kids film, rebooting his hit franchise with Jessica Alba despite the fact that the original kids are in their early 20s. Naturally it'll be in 3D... and so the apocalyptic End of Ideas proceeds. How to grapple with this? How about some haiku?
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I'm sure there's something else relatively interesting happening around the culture today, but just one more thing about John Slattery's performance in last night's episode of Mad Men. Sure, his Roger Sterling confused us with arcane references and alienated us with virulent, WWII-fueled hatred of the Japanese -- with whom he refused to work on a Honda account and whom he insulted with all the grace and class of scorched earth. We laughed, we cried, we mostly gaped --and so did everyone in the show. After the jump, a cross-section of mortification.
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Still having phantom pains over the end of Lost? Can't wait until the final season DVD gets released on Aug. 24? Then head over to the Barker Hangar in Santa Monica on the weekend of Aug. 21 and participate in the Lost set auction. To say everything must go is an understatement: If you want to purchase Hurley's Mr. Cluck's costume from season two, you can. But which nine items must any true fan (with thousands of dollars in disposable income) add to their Lost collection? Read on for a handy buying guide.
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Scathing critiques aren't just for M. Night Shyamalan anymore! Regardless of whether or not you follow, like or frankly detest sports, ESPN's Thursday night special LeBron James: The Decision made for some pretty audacious television. Which is to say, audaciously terrible. If you always thought watching The Bachelor amounted to a bankruptcy of taste, at least that process has some trashy entertainment value going for it. The ritualistic, commodified probing of James -- who announced his free-agency agreement with the Miami Heat -- couldn't have been more cynical or depressing if it tried.
But don't take my word for it. Let's hear it from the rest of the diverse, aggrieved class that still can't believe they just saw that.
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Poor Manoj. The guy literally never saw the Shyamalashing coming from critics of his new, instantly notorious The Last Airbender, and I don't know if even his fiercest detractors ever envisioned him striking rock bottom quite as violently he has with this one. I mean, it's bad, folks. But don't take my word for it (or Kyle's, or Stephanie's for that matter). Read on for a flight of bile that makes our earlier Grown Ups and Sex and the City 2 hate-tastings sweet by comparison.
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Today and tomorrow mark the midpoint of 2010 -- and thus the midpoint of our year in movies and TV. Join Movieline in both taking stock and looking ahead.
Has it been six months already? Where has the time gone! Rather than looking back -- which we'll get to throughout the next two days -- here's a chance to peak ahead at what wonderful pop culture nuggets await in the next six months. Open your Google calendar and follow along as Movieline brings you the 9 dates that will shape the rest of 2010.
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Angelina Jolie's reported decision to quit acting has dominated headlines this week, but please forgive me for taking it with a grain of salt. The superstar is only the latest actor to claim that retirement is imminent, though if her forebears are any indication, that plan will surely be shredded soon. Here are nine actors who've famously threatened to leave Hollywood (and then, in most cases, didn't):
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Hoo boy. If you couldn't smell Grown Ups oozing down the summer-movie pipe months ago, there's definitely no escaping it now. At least that's the general consensus today among critics, whose reactions vary from visceral hate to a kind of psychic daze you might see among victims of severe head trauma and/or Sex and the City 2. Let's see what there is to see!
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Back in February, we brought you 9 compelling images from the first trailer for Showgirls 2, an unauthorized, insane semi-sequel to Paul Verhoeven's camp classic that appeared to have been cobbled together from B-roll, spare footage of naked ladies writhing around, and sheer chutzpah. Now director Marc Vorlander has released a second trailer (and the film has been retitled to Showgirls Exposed, because duh, copyright issues) and it is so joy-inducing that it made me clap my hands together several times like I was either a seal or Paula Abdul. Let's get right down to it: here are the 9 best stills from this new masterpiece, and then the trailer at the end.
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Tomorrow will go down in history as the day the Tyra Banks Show died. The former model premiered her talk series five years ago with great aspirations: She wanted to empower young women, develop an honest relationship with her viewers and maybe, in the process, become a media empress like Oprah. And while she did achieve some entertainment success and empowered a misguided youth or two, the Tyra Banks Show will be remembered most for its loopy host and her crazy ideas. Who else would go undercover as a homeless person to score crack, don a fat suit just for the fun of it, or feel up a guest? The answer: No one. So grab your Kleenex and join Movieline as we remember nine of the most bizarre experiments conducted by Tyra.
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Hoo boy. Movieline's own Stephanie Zacharek might have alerted you to the appalling displeasure(s) of Sex and the City 2, but while she did give it a record-low rating for the site, there were people who appear to have despised the film even more. May they all receive phone calls from Sarah Jessica Parker! Meanwhile, here are a few of the most spectacular hate-geysers on the scale from "bitterly angry" to "thoroughly corrosive."
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Reading A.O. Scott's review of MacGruber over the weekend, it occurred to me that the NY Times critic might be the single best take-down artist reviewing movies today. Armond White may have his quips about retroactive abortions, and Rex Reed may expend a gallon of acid per drop of ink he uses to cover, say, Kevin Smith. But more often than not, Scott approaches bad films from a genuine place attempting to ask and answer the fundamental question guiding all intelligent criticism: "What was that?" Read on as the Movieline Nine takes a look at some of his greatest hits.
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