The 20 Most Anticipated Moviegoing Dates of 2012
Who's excited for 2012? I said, Who's excited for 2012? Oh. Well, it's coming whether you want it or not, and Mayan doomsday predictions and a U.S. presidential election aside, there is stuff to look forward to. Get your calendars ready and read on for 20 dates worth saving at the movies alone.
Jan. 6: The Devil Inside becomes the millionth exorcist movie to open in theaters, thus netting a $3 million cash prize and earning the producers and 20 of their closest friends a free party at Dave and Buster's.
Jan. 15: In a craven, ruinous grab for ratings, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association invites a suicide bomber to host the Golden Globe Awards.
Feb. 10: Watch a Michael Caine paycheck role come alive as you've never seen it before -- in the eye-popping 3-D family adventure Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.
Feb. 26: "Ziss ees for you, Uggie": Jean Dujardin dedicates his Best Actor prize at the 84th Academy Awards to his criminally underrecognized canine co-star.
March 2: Holy shit, they really made Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters? With Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Famke Janssen? Wow. OK. I guess this opens today.
March 9: Disney commences counting how much money it lost on the ultra expensive, roundly buzzless John Carter.
March 23: Fangirl civil war erupts as The Hunger Games makes its first incursion against the creaky, sparkly Twilight empire. The rest of us, faced only with the sad counterprogramming spectacle of A Thousand Words, flee to art-house refugee camps nationwide.
April 27: The crackerjack comic duo of
Jason Segel and Emily Blunt Alison Brie and Jacki Weaver co-star in The Five-Year Engagement
June 22 -- Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter winds up a distressing month of predatorily-titled blockbusters including Snow White and the Huntsman, Jack the Giant Killer and Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted. Which is fine, because you're going to be watching the awesome-looking, June 8-opening Prometheus for the fifth time this weekend, anyway.
July 20 -- The Dark Knight Rises opens! To quote Bane, the film's excited villain: "Fghrlkdjhafskdfbldkbsj."
July 27: Tyler Perry's The Marriage Counselor reaches theaters, finally exposing audiences everywhere to the subtle dramatic charms of Kim Kardashian. I smell a Verge! Or maybe it's just Valtrex.
Aug. 17: Boldly leaping to the front of the Oscar-season line, the Los Angeles Film Critics Association moves up its awards-voting date to Aug. 20 after seeing The Expendables 2.
Sept. 28: The year of Taylor Kitsch -- previously comprising John Carter and Battleship -- concludes with the only one of his films any grown-ass adult wants to actually see: The Oliver Stone pot-cartel thriller Savages, co-starring Beinicio Del Toro, Salma Hayek, Uma Thurman, John Travolta, Blake Lively and Emile Hirsch.
Oct. 12: From Kevin James and his Zookeeper director Frank Coraci comes the teacher-turned-MMA moonlighter comedy Here Comes the Boom. I only bring it up because Jesus will weep so copiously that you might start filling and stacking sandbags now.
Oct. 19: Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Josh Brolin. Sean Penn. Gangster Squad. That is all.
Nov. 16: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 concludes the billion-dollar franchise, instantly prompting millions of prodigious sobbing binges. But enough about Taylor Lautner's management team.
Nov. 21: The visionary filmmaker Alfonso Cuaron returns with Gravity, which draws a robust opening-weekend crowd with its promise of showing Sandra Bullock shot into space.
Dec. 19: Kathryn Bigelow's as-yet-unnamed Osama bin Laden movie -- working title: Banned in Pakistan -- reaches theaters.
Dec. 25: A very DiCaprio Christmas gets underway with Django Unchained and The Great Gatsby. Enjoy 2012, everyone!