Casting 3 Celebrity Airplane Snafus That Should Be Movies

Thumbnail image for alec-baldwin-b.jpgI love when celebrities can't behave on airplanes. Travel is the only occasion where they can't hide from plebes, and I imagine it hurts them tremendously even to acknowledge the tiny plastic cups of Diet Coke around them. Or the little Wheat Thins packets. Three recent celebrity snafus on airplanes deserve full cinematic adaptations (including one that just occurred a couple days ago), and I've decided to cast them before Jason Reitman can turn their traumas into Oscar material starring George Clooney and Vera Farmiga. Come fly with these lunatics!

Alec Baldwin

Working Title: Wars With Friends

Cast: Colin Firth as Alec Baldwin, Amanda Peet as befuddled flight attendant Charmaine Elliston, Joan Allen as Twitter Vice President Damiana Wood

Synopsis: Alec Baldwin is a hugely successful thespian who loves the craft of acting, the perks of celebrity, and the art of 140-character quips. But more than anything, he loves Words With Friends, the iPhone app that connects him with other game players and reminds him of his dear grandmother Elsie (Candice Bergen, in flashback), a no-nonsense war bride who used to tell her stuttering grandson Alec, "Use your words, Al. They're beautiful." When an uppity flight attendant (Peet) tells Baldwin he must turn off his phone mid-flight, Baldwin spins into a rage of wounded pride and repressed memories. Instinctively, he drops off Twitter to reclaim his sanity, but Twitter Vice President Damiana Wood (Allen) knows that she must keep Baldwin on Twitter to ensure its relevance for the next decade. Will she prevail? Or will Alec never overcome the silence -- and the regained stutter -- inflicted by one brash, but ultimately loving American Airlines flight attendant?

Gerard Depardieu

Working Title: #1 Passenger

Cast: Channing Tatum as Gerard Depardieu, Marisa Tomei as passenger Fern Trellice

With the assistance of makeup artist Rick Baker, Channing Tatum comes alive as Gerard Depardieu, the French icon who just wants respect when it comes to his urinary habits. Aboard a flight to France, Tatum finds himself needing badly to relieve himself; unfortunately, transcontinental diamond thief Fern Trellice (Tomei) has locked herself in the plane's sole bathroom with a urinary tract infection, as the stress of her work is finally taking a toll on her body. As Depardieu makes a scene at the front of the plane -- "Je veux pisser!" -- and theatrically pees himself, can Fern survive the gut-wrenching pain, sneak back to her seat with $50,000 worth of Smithsonian gems, and woo the brash, but ultimately loving Depardieu?

Naomi Campbell

Working Title: Runway on the Runway

Cast: Zoe Saldana as Naomi Campbell, John Goodman as attending police officer Theodore McFadden, and Stanley Tucci as Campbell's long-suffering assistant Petey Perkins

Synopsis: In this kooky comedy, Naomi Campbell (Saldana) attempts to boost her image by visiting third-world countries with her fun-loving assistant Petey (Tucci). Unfortunately, Campbell cannot board an airplane without finding several issues with her flight -- the air is too crisp, the seats are too gray, the passengers are too angular (and in the wrong way) -- which means Petey receives the brunt of her rage. In a hilarious sight gaga, Petey is pummeled with dozens of Campbell's cell phones on each flight. At her worst, she's told to disembark the plane and meet with attending officer Theodore McFadden (Goodman), who looks beyond Campbell's impatience to find a joyful philanthropist who loves to learn. In order to make up for causing over 500 in-flight ruckuses, Campbell must arrange a fashion show on Heathrow's largest runway -- and not scream or kill someone when it turns out her best friends George Michael and Manuel Noriega can't even make it that day.

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  • S.T. VanAirsdale says:

    For some reason I initially read that as "Stockard Channing comes alive as Gerard Depardieu..." Who wouldn't pay to see that? (Don't answer that.)

  • What about the Kevin Smith is too fat for one seat story?

  • The piece is about snafus that _should_ be movies, not _should not_. He weighs more than that movie would make.

  • blizzard bound says:

    Louis, you had me howling at that Naomi Campbell one. Hysterical. I think you could get that one made on that paragraph alone.

  • Noah James says:

    The Kevin Smith incident is immediately ruled out, since it would barely take place at an airport. The first 5 minutes would show him being rejected from Southwest, followed by 85 minutes of him publically complaining about it, tweeting on it, and making money off of the incident by making a DVD special on the subject. And it would star Kevin James with black hair. Pass.

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