Quickly, Let's Come Up With 20 Hilarious New Titles for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo


I accept that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo will be the sensation of winter, and not just because it looks fantastic in its new trailer. Stieg Larsson's thrilling Millennium series is perfect for David Fincher's dark auteurship, and I expect his protege Rooney Mara to pull off protagonist Lisbeth Salander's Nordic grit. In the meantime, though, Lisbeth's cartoonishly goth appearance (shown in the movie's new photos) is too bizarre not to mock, and I need to get some snark out of my system before the wave of great buzz sweeps through fall. Here are 20 mocking new titles.

1. The Girl with the Hot Topic Gift Card

2. The Girl with All Those Feelings

3. The Girl I Ignore at the Bowling Alley

4. The Girl with a Hundred Holes in Her Head

5. The Girl at the Mudvayne Concert

6. The Girl Who Has a Rough Time Fitting In

7. The Girl with the Pass to the Counselor's Office

8. The Girl Who Works at Spencer's Gifts

9. The Girl Who Sets Off the Metal Detector

10. The Girl with the Contrived Poetry

11. The Girl Who Took The Craft Seriously

12. The Girl Who Needs SPF 75

13. The Girl Who Jesse James Cheated With

14. The Girl Who Just Wants Her GED

15. The Girl Who is Ready for an Armani Underwear Ad

16. The Girl With Plenty of Lamer Tattoos Too

17. The Girl Who Stars in the Dope Show

18. The Girl Who Looks Like a Korn Album Cover

19. The Girl Who Hates All Your Labels

20. The Girl With the Obvious Issues

Please contribute your own.

Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara in 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'

Please contribute yours.


  • The WInchester says:

    The Girl With the Daddy Issues.
    The Girl With The Etsy Store.
    The Girl Who Wasn't Noomi.
    The Girl Who's Trying Just a Little Too Hard To Make Us Understand That She's Edgy And Not Part of Your System, Man, So Just Deal, Ok?

  • Hiro the Eighth Samurai (and 14th Assassin) says:

    Here's a title for the art-house crowd...
    "I Show You My Cleavage, You Show Me Yours"
    "The Girl Who Walked Up a Mountain of Men and Came Back With a Few Notches on Her Knives and a Freshly Inked Tat"

  • joe says:

    Saw the trailer before Moneyball. It was interesting choice making moneyball a silent picture, however i still can't hear sound after the trailer.

  • Vince says:

    Funny enough the current Bond Danny Craig (Of whom I disapprove )
    is in the film. Why do I say that? Since Raymond Benson's last 007 book
    was "The Man with The Red Tattoo" Which takes Bond back to Japan
    where James once again works with Tiger

  • KRIS the KLINGON says:

    The Girl Who Wishes She Was Dead. You too.
    The Girl Who Loved Blackula. (Because, really, who DOESN'T love "Blackula"?
    The Girl With The Big-ass TrampStamp.
    Pride Goth before the Fall Season.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    I will take these fine suggestions as a marriage proposal. I accept, Winch!

  • Remy says:

    The Girl Who Still Can't Believe She Wasn't Cast in John Carpenter's "Ghosts of Mars"
    The Girl Who Better Have Lots of Inner Beauty
    The Girl Who Must Spend at Least Three Hours in Front of the Mirror Each Morning to Get Herself to Look Like She Doesn't Care What People Think of What She Looks Like, or Alternatively Has a Multimillion Dollar Hollywood Budget at Her Disposal to Pay Talented Professionals to Do It for Her

  • J K says:

    Ok, I'll bite.
    The Girl Who Covered Hurt at Her High School Talent Show
    The Girl Who Stars In the Film Version of the Shallow Pop Culture Fad Between Twilight and Hunger Games
    The Girl Who Is Easily Snagged
    The Girl With the Infected Labia
    The Girl Who Really Needs To Get That Looked At
    Seriously, Sweetheart, You Need To Get A Cream Or Salve Or Something
    The Girl Who Will Fund the Tattoo Removal Industry When She Reaches 40
    Tim Burton's Walking Wet Dream Uses A Laptop
    The Girl Whose Livejournal Account Is Active
    David Fincher, Trent Reznor, Daniel Craig and a Little Lady
    Walt Disney Presents the Girl with the Pete's Dragon Tattoo

  • Remy says:

    The Girl with the Draconian Attitude

  • Louis Virtel says:

    These are all amazing, but I am WEEPING at The Girl Who Covered 'Hurt' at her High School Talent Show.

  • Albert C. Delano says:

    The Girl Who Suffered From Men Who Hated Women.

  • Alex says:

    The Girl Who Despite All Her Tattoos Never Acquired the Skill (Just Ask Nils Bjurman)

  • Jorge says:

    The Girl Who Made a Movie for People Too Lazy to Read Subtitles.

  • J K says:

    Ha. Open up and Let Me In. Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.

  • Hiro the Eighth Samurai (and 14th Assassin) says:

    Haha, good one Jorge.
    That's why I refuse to watch this unnecessary remake.
    I also refuse to watch all the upcoming remakes for movies that Hollywood has picked up from the recent Toronto film festival that just ended. They're unnecessary.
    I watch movies from all over, from every continent, every region. My viewing of movies knows no geographical bounds. I don't care if they have three different languages or more. I'll watch them.
    I've been telling people to just go watch the original Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie.

  • The WInchester says:

    You just made me the happiest girl with the dragon tattoo that played with fire and kicked a hornets nest!

  • The WInchester says:

    The Girl Who Somehow Managed to Convince David Fincher that Two Forgettable Scenes in the Already Forgotten Facebook Movie was Enough to Warrant Casting in This.

  • Remy says:

    The Guy with the Dragon Tattoo
    The Girl Who Blamed Her Tattooed Dragon for Burning Off Her Eyebrows
    The Girl Who Wondered If Her Invitation to William and Kate's Wedding Had Gotten Lost in the Post
    The Girl Whom Anna Wintour Would Like a Word With

  • Reed says:

    You're a hypocrite. For someone who says his movie-viewing knows no bounds, apparently, it certainly does. Find a better, warranted reason for refusing to watch the film rather than the immature fact that you're simply a pretentious pseudo-cinephile who will forever perpetuate that subtitles are next to godliness.

  • Alex says:

    Way to overreact Reed. Get over yourself.

  • J K says:

    Also, you're just making the wrong point. The argument you want to make is that these are simply different adaptations of literary source material-- therefore neither production is authoritative, regardless of the language in which each was filmed. Personally, I liked Let Me In, but there was an intangible element in Låt den rätte komma in that could not be recaptured or repeated. The problem that I see here, is that the Let films are drawn from a source material that truthfully explores questions of sex, power, meaning, and mortality-- singlehandedly re-humanizing the vampire story, saving it from Volvo-driving-glitter-eterna-tweens-from-good-families.
    This series, however, does no such thing.

  • J K says:

    Rooney Mara doesn't seem so bad, Mr. The Winchester. I can't fault her for her ridiculous good fortune (though, I really really want to.)
    I am not sure if she isn't degrading herself to some degree for someone else's warped and dishonest sense of feminine empowerment, though (of course, arguably our culture has grown so metaphysically obscene that degradation may no longer even be possible.)
    The project irks me because Fincher should find this whole dreck beneath contempt. Not to mention Reznor. These are both men of taste who have been pigeonholed into subcultural niches/demographics that they sleep in gracefully but obviously transcend.
    Unless he somehow subverts the idiotic pseudo-subversion of this suicide girl power! series, I am going to lose a great deal of the waning respect that I had for him.
    Haven't we had enough of self-hating men writing super girl characters that serve to express both their inner hatred of their own masculinity and their even more secret desire to torture and victimize said female avatar in the name of empowerment?
    If the story struck me as containing human truth in its telling and characterizations, I would not criticize it thusly-- but it seems to beg to be seen as an adolescent reduction of the questions of power,sexuality, and human nature that masquerades as a deep, dark epic of confrontational truth.
    Perhaps Fincher will lend the characters a more honest depth and nuance than their original author by showing them to be posers to a certain degree-- the hot topic trappings revealed as a fright-wig for the vulnerable. I can only hope so. Otherwise, I'll be sitting through a lot of "edgy" portentous murk.
    The quiet, dreamy stoicism of Drive seems to me so much more of an artful exploration of victimage and consequence in a universe of human choices. Fincher should be making films like that-- God knows he could find the budget and his meticulous precision would lend itself to something a little less popcorn.
    Ug, that this is "main stream" makes me want to re-read Nation of Rebels: Why Counterculture Became Consumer Culture.

  • Reed says:

    You know, if that's your honest opinion on the series, that's fine. It's not an issue. It's so bothersome, however, when people put down the American version not only before it's even been released, but for the unfair reason that it's just not foreign. Fincher worked hard on this creation, as did Mara and Craig the rest of the cast, and their efforts shouldn't be dismissed because of preconceived notions.

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