Dear Hollywood: 5 Remakes of Bad Stephen King Adaptations That Should Get Fast Tracked
Right now, studios are attempting to tackle an adaptation of the Stephen King fantasy series Dark Tower (which will include three movies and a television series) and a big-screen remake of the thousand-plus page epic The Stand. These ridiculous projects got me thinking: instead of attacking windmills, why not remake some of the total clunkers were based on King's stories?
If we're going to be inundated with remakes, it'd at least to be nice to see movies that make good on potential where others failed. And I'd certainly prefer these remakes to new versions of all of my favorite '70s horror movies.
Fortunately, Hollywood and I are on the same page. Sorta! Several of these projects are already somewhere in very early development. So drop the inevitable Rosemary's Baby remake, Hollywood, and get going on these.
[Note: I purposely left off movies which not even a remake could save. Hence, no Dreamcatcher (which is perfect in its own special way) or Maximum Overdrive (which was already remade anyway).]
1. Children of the Corn
Your mileage may vary, but I love the idea of a cult of creepy children sacrificing adults to some Lovecraftian monster to make the corn grow. But the 1984 movie is series of missed opportunities. From the failure to exploit the visual possibilities of the corn field, to the uneven acting, to the shoddy production value and laughable monster, the movie drags and plods along, never really offering shocks, laughs or even a sustained creepy atmosphere. Fix all of this!
Status: Followed by six sequels and a widely-panned made-for-TV remake. Ninth time is the charm?
2. The Night Flier
This little-seen movie honestly isn't bad, but the pacing is pretty tepid until the spectacular ending. Really, though, I'd just like to see someone tackle the concept of a vampire who flies his own plane once more. The vampire trend is getting old -- witches are next! -- but there's something fresh and hilarious about a vampire who owns his own jet. You can even rechristen it The Vampire Pilot or something, and get the guy behind Snakes on a Plane to direct.
Status: Nothing announced. Weird.
3. Needful Things
Max Von Sydow plays the devil , who opens up shop in (of course) a small town in Maine. With this casting and setup, I still don't understand why this movie is so tame and dull, but it is! I'd accept either a straight-up comedy remake or a horrifying one, but the middle-ground that the original version treads is unacceptable.
Status: Nothing announced.
4. Pet Sematary
Yes, the scene with the dead sister is completely terrifying, and no, I wouldn't trade that theme song The Ramones wrote for anything. indeed, there is a lot to like about this creepy, gleefully stupid movie. But at the same time, the book is widely regarded as one of King's creepiest straight-up horror stories, and the movie blows it with cheeseball acting and some baffling screenwriting choices on the part of King himself. There's potential for a horrifying, grief-stricken film here in the right hands.
Status: In Development with a script by David Kajganich, who wrote The Invasion. No director or cast.
5. It
The original TV miniseries inspired weeks or even months of nightmares in small children thanks to Tim Curry's terrifying portrayal of Pennywise, the shape-shifting, child-eating clown. Then the ending (spoiler alert) where he just turns out to be a stupid, giant spider out of a 50's B-movie quickly ensured that all children could sleep soundly again. To actually make a faithful adaptation of the novel, this would probably work better as an HBO miniseries. Which would be great! But even if the studio could deliver something as slick as the first hour and a half of the original that doesn't peter out at the end, It could become a potential horror classic.
Status: In the same place as Pet Sematary... with the same screenwriter.
Subscribe to the new Movieline on YouTube
Comments
No. No. No. The Stephen King book that is most in need of a new movie version is The Dead Zone. Such an amazing book and such a crappy movie.
Aw, I love the movie of The Dead Zone. I haven't read that book though. Is that actually one people hate?
They should just re-release The Dark Half, because it's a damn solid movie that nobody saw, so it'll be like seeing it again for the first time.
Good list, but a movie a remember liking long before I was objective enough to understand it's flaws was the tv movie The Langoliers which had a couple of good actors, but suffered from some really really bad special effects, especially at the end.
The idea and plot of the movie itself was genius, but a remake and a good screenwriter would do wonders.
I thought about the Langoliers...It definitely could have been better. I haven't seen it in a long time though, and all I remember is that by the end there were silly blobs flying around eating everything. The fact that all of the suspense builds to this seemed like a letdown that special effects and acting wouldn't solve...but hell, maybe it's no sillier than a child-eating clown. Or a vampire that flies an airplane.
I'm having a flashback to those years in the '90s when ABC was practically Stephen King theatre every May sweeps.
If I could travel back in time I would warn my 11 year-old self to leave the room when my family rented Pet Sematary. To this day, Fred Gwynne and Maine accents freak me out. When that skinny monster in Pan's labyrinth came on screen I had a total flashback to the sister in the movie.
OH MY GOD! Langoliers would be an EPIC remake. I have always loved the idea behind that movie. Would be soooooo cool to see someone remake it.
I would also like to see a new take on Maximum Overdrive.
Pet Semetary is brilliant
"I would also like to see a new take on Maximum Overdrive."
They already did, using the short story's original title, Trucks.
Actually I always kind of liked ABC's take on The Langoliers. The sfx in the finale pale in comparison to what's around today, but it was an entertaining character piece and the spirit of it was right, sort of a pre-Lost Lost.
Personally, I would love to see a remake of The Mist. Marcia Gay Harden was horrible in that movie - she played the Christian woman with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. I would have wanted a lot more fear in the performance: Marcia played the end of society as a triumph, when it would have been much more effective if she had played up the fear that engulfed her and most of the people in the shopping center into a mob hostility.
I also felt like the characters were so broad. There was no attempt to give any of them much personality.
And then, of course, there's the fact that this movie has one of the worst endings of all time. I don't need happy happy joy joy, but JFC, that was a horrible ending!
The next time you decide to post a picture of Pennywise on Movieline, could you please warn me first? I let a scream of terror at my office.
Have you read"It"? The TV movie was very faithful to the book. The book blew dead bears at the end! I threw it acros the room and have never been able to pick up a King novel again. A waste of paper, a waste of film.
i loved the ending. a tad.....unexpected.
I'd rather see Eyes Of the Dragon, The Talisman, or Duma Key tackled by Hollywood before any remakes.
"It" was the greatest book ever written. Nobody wants to hear your stupid cririsisms. If you write anything even close to as good as "It" then maybe, maybe I'll start listening to you.
"Blew Dead Bears?" Its clear you have no right to judge any sort of writing.
I have read It, actually. Comparing the book's ending to the movie's is crazy, but I'll grant that the last 200 pages of the book would be pretty hard to pull off in a feature-length film. But since The Shining was one of the best King-based films ever, I'm not at all opposed to tinkering. I don't really like literal adaptations anyway.
.
If you believe "It" was "..the greatest book ever written", I weep for humanity.
Uh, hello, "The Running Man" needs to be remade as it was written, rather than as a wrestling slugfest. The main character in the book -- who appears on a constantly-televised game show in which the entire world is trying to hunt him down -- wasn't big like Arnold, he was a smart guy who needed the money. And he was up against the cops and everyday people, not goons like Subzero.
The original book totally predicted reality game shows but the ending would probably have to be altered. Spoiler alert: A plane crashes into a skyscraper.
The night I sat down to read "Christine" I went for eight hours straight and only stopped because of a crushing migraine - when that passed I went right back to work on it... and was devastated at how crappy and off-target the movie version was. Could have been so much better...
That's one I haven't read, but I actually kind of love John Carpenter's movie.
Great call on The Running Man, the book is practically a script already, they wouldn't have to change much except maybe the ending.
And they do need to make The Eyes of the Dragon, my 2nd favorite King book after Pet Sematary.
I'm shuddering what they'll do with the big screen adaptation of The Stand. The miniseries was BAAADDDD. MOLLY RINGWALD?? Did they actually read the description of that character in the book? It's my favorite of all Stephen King books, and I was so disappointed in it. THAT one would be ripe for an HBO miniseries.
I love Pet Semetary, and while I admit it had some cheeseball moments, I think that's part of its' charm. I'm not sure I want them to go down that remake road.
Next »