The 7 Best Warlock Insults From Charlie Sheen's Latest and Greatest Sheen's Korner

It appears that Charlie Sheen has worked out most of the glitches in his celebrated and controversial new web show Sheen's Korner. In tonight's installment, "Building the Perfect Torpedo," -- yes, there are episode names now -- Sheen debuted a thrilling opening sequence (captured here for your mandatory viewing) and delivered 15 minutes worth of original insults directed at his enemies from cue cards. To paraphrase the former Two and a Half Men star, click through to dance in Sheen's gold.

7. Insulting You, Sheen's Korner Viewers

"Now that I have your lazy f*cking attention, world, sit back and rejoice for the mouth of a messiah, the Count of Calabasas, the f*cking warlock of your jealous face sits before you, undigested hummus, trading real estate for this fire dance."

6. Insulting the...Legless?

"I beg you all to stay glued to this raven-wise, Gibson-shredding, napalm poet before you -- alone and unshackled as the desperate cries of the soon-forgotten echo freely in my lair, directing my gaze to their silly and sad, legless and dying heartbeats."

5. Insulting CBS (I Think)

"Can slabs of jaundiced gorilla pelts fill the plates of those clowns and nabobs. Oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude. Now they just beg for the keys to my gold."

4. Insulting His CBS/Warner Bros. Enemies

"Here is my unwanted guest list, the names slightly altered to keep their stems from polluting my magic daiquiri or even worse, stealing my favorite pony -- a pony named Steve, his orange mane painted blue. Blue, like the evening sky as he gallops into their basement to acquire the ancient flatware and the rotting cheeseboard covered in the mold of their moral dysentery."

3. Insulting Les Moonves, CBS Corp. Chief

"Less Than Goonves. Part scoundrel. Part my hair to the side. 'Screw Les,' I proclaimed. Or better yet, screw more! You gave me your word, so in turn, you gave me nothing. It must really suck being your missus, the promise of getting something -- yet receiving nothing. [...] Sizzle! Losing! Bye!"

2. Insulting Bruce Rosenblum, Warner Bros. Television Group President

Bruce Daisy n' Wilt. Shame on you, you much-shorter-than-average fool and shame on your invalid attempts to shellgame this grand magician. My crew now knows the truth and yes, that is all of their fists pounding on your paper-thin chamber door. They now lead with proof of your sordid hypocrisy and yellow spine tactics. [...] Must really suck being you. The pulp of fiction suits you well.

1. Insulting Chuck Lorre, Two and a Half Men Creator and CBS Nemesis

"Hiya, Chuckie Cheeseball. Where ya hiding, silly clown? Behind your narcissism? Your greed? Your hatred of yourself or women? [...] I see you behind your desperate desire to be liked. 'Forget love -- that ship sailed when you were born,' to use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans, Shitbrain, in the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempt to trade out for this warlock."

· Building the Perfect Torpedo [Ustream]



Comments

  • The Cantankerist says:

    It's just sad.

  • Wizard Luxas says:

    i feel that mr sheen is a great actor and has been a very decorated material man of comedy, however i feel that the above statements aren't in the taste of the truth to which would make this man a better reason to watch then pure attacking insults.. which i feel is beneath a man of this nature... (MR SHEEN, leave the show if they fire you and get into a movie role or write the diary about the show they don't want you to to get back on...) be Paris Hilton....lol

  • GRYG says:

    Go Charlie. The best place you can be is when you are away from those assholes
    DUDE I GOT IT Go somewhere where they will never be able to tell where you are and TURN THEM DOWN no matter what the circumstances may be. Grab alaptop or a notebook where you are totally in control just split - like and move to Albuquerque.
    This State governor Martinez is begging for actors and would PAY YOUR move to New Mexico and is paying thousands upon thousands because for actors New Mexico COURTS "yoo'se" guys. Charlie I hope to the real lord that somehow you read this and try their movie workshops - writers and producers- and talent . F*ck ALL THOSE SH*T HEADS IN WARNER BROTHERS AND CBS. Dude F*ck n 86 them . Tiger

  • gary says:

    Tiger's right. Ignore them . Because having one's own will is better then losing it to someone else. I know this mr

  • The Winchester says:

    This reminds of me of college, when the homeless schizophrenic guy would pass out his thoughts in a 6 page pamphlet on the bus.
    If I can dig it up, I would love to run a contest of "Who said it: Sheen or crazy homeless guy?"
    1) Can slabs of jaundiced gorilla pelts fill the plates of those clowns and nabobs. Oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude. Now they just beg for the keys to my gold.
    2) How does looking at another man's penis get me out of the country?

  • Alan says:

    Three Charlie Sheen articles in a row! Are you done now? Did you guys get it out of your system? How about we report some real movie news and keep the Sheen stuff for TMZ.

  • Just Don says:

    Sorry Charlie, you must feel awful for the way your life is going. I mean it's not your fault Charlie. With a never at home dad and a poor excuse of a mother it's no wonder your in crisis. Therapy Man.

  • To be clear, it's the heartbeats that are legless.

  • Michael says:

    Charlie...you're done. Sad but true. Washed up and now washed out by some people who had the balls to kick your butt to the curb after kissing it for so long. Bravo to them. Now, do us all a favor and simply fade away.
    And while you're away, grow up.
    Love,
    Mike

  • jel says:

    i have to admit this is hysterical, twisted sister, shakespeare insultsonnet prose!

  • jake says:

    His rant last night was so booooooooooooooring. I turned it off after a couple of minutes. It's one thing to have him acting like a dumb teenager who figured out that saying stupid things like "trolls" and "tiger blood" and "winning" got him some cheap laughs (and then repeat said catch phrases ad nauseum off the cuff). It's another to have him write a prepared statement of nonsense and do a poor job of reading it (thus showing why he's on a tv show now instead of still in movies).

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