The 7 Best Warlock Insults From Charlie Sheen's Latest and Greatest Sheen's Korner
It appears that Charlie Sheen has worked out most of the glitches in his celebrated and controversial new web show Sheen's Korner. In tonight's installment, "Building the Perfect Torpedo," -- yes, there are episode names now -- Sheen debuted a thrilling opening sequence (captured here for your mandatory viewing) and delivered 15 minutes worth of original insults directed at his enemies from cue cards. To paraphrase the former Two and a Half Men star, click through to dance in Sheen's gold.
7. Insulting You, Sheen's Korner Viewers
"Now that I have your lazy f*cking attention, world, sit back and rejoice for the mouth of a messiah, the Count of Calabasas, the f*cking warlock of your jealous face sits before you, undigested hummus, trading real estate for this fire dance."
6. Insulting the...Legless?
"I beg you all to stay glued to this raven-wise, Gibson-shredding, napalm poet before you -- alone and unshackled as the desperate cries of the soon-forgotten echo freely in my lair, directing my gaze to their silly and sad, legless and dying heartbeats."
5. Insulting CBS (I Think)
"Can slabs of jaundiced gorilla pelts fill the plates of those clowns and nabobs. Oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude. Now they just beg for the keys to my gold."
4. Insulting His CBS/Warner Bros. Enemies
"Here is my unwanted guest list, the names slightly altered to keep their stems from polluting my magic daiquiri or even worse, stealing my favorite pony -- a pony named Steve, his orange mane painted blue. Blue, like the evening sky as he gallops into their basement to acquire the ancient flatware and the rotting cheeseboard covered in the mold of their moral dysentery."
3. Insulting Les Moonves, CBS Corp. Chief
"Less Than Goonves. Part scoundrel. Part my hair to the side. 'Screw Les,' I proclaimed. Or better yet, screw more! You gave me your word, so in turn, you gave me nothing. It must really suck being your missus, the promise of getting something -- yet receiving nothing. [...] Sizzle! Losing! Bye!"
2. Insulting Bruce Rosenblum, Warner Bros. Television Group President
Bruce Daisy n' Wilt. Shame on you, you much-shorter-than-average fool and shame on your invalid attempts to shellgame this grand magician. My crew now knows the truth and yes, that is all of their fists pounding on your paper-thin chamber door. They now lead with proof of your sordid hypocrisy and yellow spine tactics. [...] Must really suck being you. The pulp of fiction suits you well.
1. Insulting Chuck Lorre, Two and a Half Men Creator and CBS Nemesis
"Hiya, Chuckie Cheeseball. Where ya hiding, silly clown? Behind your narcissism? Your greed? Your hatred of yourself or women? [...] I see you behind your desperate desire to be liked. 'Forget love -- that ship sailed when you were born,' to use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans, Shitbrain, in the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempt to trade out for this warlock."
· Building the Perfect Torpedo [Ustream]