Dear Hollywood: Please Just Make Zombies vs. Robots. vs. Pirates vs. Aliens and Call it a Day
Last week, news broke that Michael Bay would take high-concept excess to a new level by producing Zombies vs. Robots. Then, just one week later, Jonah Hill decided he wanted to take it to an even newer level by directing The Kitchen Sink, which involves zombies and vampires teaming up to fight aliens. All right, Hollywood: Intervention time.
I like fun too, but in a time where filmmakers like Paul Thomas Anderson and Spike Jonze have to rely on billionaire heiresses to fund their modest projects, isn't this a bit much? Can't we just combine these projects and whatever unlikely geek icon face-offs you have planned into one movie and use the extra cash to make something else? It would actually be very easy.
Both aforementioned projects are still in early stages of development, so of course they are each still a dozen rewrites away from production. Spend a couple of weeks on a rewrite and you'll have one high-concept geek juggernaut that will unite zombie, robot and alien fans. And hey, let's throw in the pirate demographic while we're at it!
Here's a few pointers to make it easier:
· The only humans in the film are modern pirates...
You know the biggest problem with the whole Freddy vs. Jason vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Ash from Evil Dead vs. God Knows What Else series of movies? The humans. Everyone goes just to see aliens and predators fight but instead these movies always try to get us to invest in a lame, cardboard cutout set of human characters. I get that we need some sort of creature that speaks a discernible language, but seeing the same dumb military types over and over is getting old. Instead, why not explore the exciting, totally topical world of modern pirates? It would be a breath of fresh air for the genre, plus you get to add the word "pirates" into the title.
· ...But the pirates are the bad guys.
Captain Jack Sparrow be damned, it's impossible to romanticize modern pirates, who are still plundering, murdering innocent people and totally banking. They'd make perfect, topical archnemeses. Meanwhile, the government has invented a new line of smart, emotional robots to fight pirates. They are on their first, heroic mission when the aliens invade.
[Casting Note: Consider having Nicolas Cage play a slightly older model of the smart robots who is volatile and easily confused.]
· When the aliens kill people (read: pirates) they come back as zombies.
I am not sure why this happens, but I suspect that the audience for Zombies vs. Robots. vs. Pirates vs. Aliens would not care. I count myself in this audience. Plus, can anyone prove that this wouldn't happen? Anyway, then the robots have to fight aliens and zombies.
· Aliens can shape-shift.
This way you can go ahead and roll that Werewolves vs Cowboys vs. Killer Clowns script you just optioned into this movie if need be. Also, instant third-act twist!
· There are no vampires.
Everyone has to be tired of vampires now right? Though if this one works, I suppose we can throw them in for the sequel.
And, voila. This is just one of a million ways to handle this, but it should illustrate how easy it is to roll all of these titular concepts into one mega-film for the ages. Then, maybe you could use the leftover money to take some chances on singular filmmakers by giving them a third of the budget you saved by making one film instead of two? It could mean Oscars! Think about it.