Dear Hollywood: Please Just Make Zombies vs. Robots. vs. Pirates vs. Aliens and Call it a Day

Last week, news broke that Michael Bay would take high-concept excess to a new level by producing Zombies vs. Robots. Then, just one week later, Jonah Hill decided he wanted to take it to an even newer level by directing The Kitchen Sink, which involves zombies and vampires teaming up to fight aliens. All right, Hollywood: Intervention time.

I like fun too, but in a time where filmmakers like Paul Thomas Anderson and Spike Jonze have to rely on billionaire heiresses to fund their modest projects, isn't this a bit much? Can't we just combine these projects and whatever unlikely geek icon face-offs you have planned into one movie and use the extra cash to make something else? It would actually be very easy.

Both aforementioned projects are still in early stages of development, so of course they are each still a dozen rewrites away from production. Spend a couple of weeks on a rewrite and you'll have one high-concept geek juggernaut that will unite zombie, robot and alien fans. And hey, let's throw in the pirate demographic while we're at it!

Here's a few pointers to make it easier:

· The only humans in the film are modern pirates...

You know the biggest problem with the whole Freddy vs. Jason vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Ash from Evil Dead vs. God Knows What Else series of movies? The humans. Everyone goes just to see aliens and predators fight but instead these movies always try to get us to invest in a lame, cardboard cutout set of human characters. I get that we need some sort of creature that speaks a discernible language, but seeing the same dumb military types over and over is getting old. Instead, why not explore the exciting, totally topical world of modern pirates? It would be a breath of fresh air for the genre, plus you get to add the word "pirates" into the title.

· ...But the pirates are the bad guys.

Captain Jack Sparrow be damned, it's impossible to romanticize modern pirates, who are still plundering, murdering innocent people and totally banking. They'd make perfect, topical archnemeses. Meanwhile, the government has invented a new line of smart, emotional robots to fight pirates. They are on their first, heroic mission when the aliens invade.

[Casting Note: Consider having Nicolas Cage play a slightly older model of the smart robots who is volatile and easily confused.]

· When the aliens kill people (read: pirates) they come back as zombies.

I am not sure why this happens, but I suspect that the audience for Zombies vs. Robots. vs. Pirates vs. Aliens would not care. I count myself in this audience. Plus, can anyone prove that this wouldn't happen? Anyway, then the robots have to fight aliens and zombies.

· Aliens can shape-shift.

This way you can go ahead and roll that Werewolves vs Cowboys vs. Killer Clowns script you just optioned into this movie if need be. Also, instant third-act twist!

· There are no vampires.

Everyone has to be tired of vampires now right? Though if this one works, I suppose we can throw them in for the sequel.

And, voila. This is just one of a million ways to handle this, but it should illustrate how easy it is to roll all of these titular concepts into one mega-film for the ages. Then, maybe you could use the leftover money to take some chances on singular filmmakers by giving them a third of the budget you saved by making one film instead of two? It could mean Oscars! Think about it.



Comments

  • Citizen Bitch says:

    Where are the Ninjas!?!?! Maybe in the first act the pirates overtake a Japanese whaler and rob them, but a Ninja (or multiple Ninjas? female ninjas?) employed by the Japanese sneaks on and helps the aliens against the pirates.
    The pirates become zombies because one of their members is a warlock and after the aliens/ninjas kill them he is still alive and he casts a spell to resurrect his fallen comrades and they come back as zombies!
    And maybe prior to that the Pirates had robbed a freighter and stolen a whole bunch of crates that but they didn't know what was in them. Turns out it was animatronic robots for Disneyland's Wild, Wild West exhibit/ride. Also turns out they become sentient and evil as a side effect of the warlock's resurrection spell. But what side will they be on?
    Now you have Cowboy Robots! Ninjas! and Warlocks!
    Also the alien-werewolf idea could totally work. Doctor Who did it in the third season in Victorian England.
    Let me know when you want to start working on the screenplay.

  • Brian Clark says:

    Wait, maybe we could roll the Westworld remake into this too?

  • Spongebob says:

    I'm sure there's some way to get an aquatic slant in there, too, as the Waterworld remake is long overdue. Costner needs the $$$...

  • Klotz says:

    Sign me up. I'm in...

  • The Winchester says:

    Dammit, stop stealing my scripts!

  • Brian Clark says:

    Okay, so Return to Westworld: Zombies vs. Robots vs. Pirates vs. Aliens vs. Aqua-Ninjas...?

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