Judging American Idol's Top 24 by Their Humiliating Victory Dances
Guys and girls, it's my favorite time of year: the announcement of American Idol's Top 24 contenders. Not only did we meet the final pack of singers last night, but Idol forced them (as is tradition) to dance like horny preteens while Ryan Seacrest recited each name in a cynical voiceover. I love these damn dances! They're kitschy, lame, awkward, and sublime. Let's pick the "greatest" jiver of all. (Video included.)
(Click to 6:58 for the parade of awesome loser dancing, then follow along below!)
Brett Loewenstern: I appreciate the redhead's commitment, but it's so difficult to whip your hair when it's frizzy. Why is there no Judy Blume book about this coming-of-age lesson? I wanted magic from Brett, and I'm afraid we just got effort. Boo.
Jovany Barreto: No, sir. That's enough fratty hand gestures for you. And for this nation. There will be no emotionless posing in my Top 24 dance. You're ruining my vision, Jovany! Step to the side and off the ledge.
Jacob Lusk: The jeans are a problem, but the ebullience is not. Flail, you blubbering Leontyne-drag man! Flail!
Paul McDonald: First of all: Sex me, Paul McDonald. Second of all: He is vogueing. Third of all: He is spinning and grabbing his crotch, which means he's achieved all the goals I set for him. Praise this man. He graduates, summa cum nevermind.
Clint Jun Gamboa: What a shock, more Burger King Kids Club antics from Clint. Hey, point! Hey, jive! Hey, time to turn 9. Hate this.
Robbie Rosen: The camera closes in tight on Robbie's face and reveals what I've known all along: He thinks he is cooler than us. It's written all over his pretending-to-hold-back-a-smile face. Stop ruining my dork pageant, Rosen. You're wallpapering it with your smug giggles. Sick.
Stefano Langone: The classic armfold, like it's back-to-school time in the Kmart catalog. Mom, I want a new Jansport lunchbox! I'm digging Stefano's "relatable gangsta" attitude too. He's the Fresh Prince of Hilar.
Jordan Dorsey: Genius! Jordan's statement to America: "Hello, I am sweet baby Jordan Dorsey, and I am going to do Harry Belafonte things with my Harry Belafonte body. Jaunty. I'm so jaunty." A stately, old-fashioned jig fit for the hokiest of karaoke contests. Such a 9.5 out of 10. Excellent work.
Tim Halperin: You have to commit to goofball jocularity, and Tim does just that. Good show.
James Durbin: James always seems like he's going to burst into tears. That air-guitar solo was accompanied by a world of hurt, which is an illegal combo. Let's take his footage to an adult we trust.
Casey Abrams: I am liking this debauchery.
Scotty McCreery: Excuse me, but Scotty chose "the lawnmower" and "WCW grand champion" moves. Stunning. I'm actually impressed. And frightened! Baby, lock them doors!
Naima Adedapo: FIRE. FIRE. Sweet crystal blue FIRE. We just saw something very important. We just saw an 11'4" obelisk of dreadlocks, lipstick, and neon teal drapery spin into legend. If Branson, Missouri was a weather phenomenon, it would look like Naima Adedapo's twirl. I knew I loved Naima, and this showing proves she's my girl for the long haul. The cheeky wave is a stellar touch! Our undisputed champ!
Julie Zorrilla: I was once bitten by a zorrilla, and I don't like to talk about it.
Karen Rodriguez: Karen, this is American Idol, not a psych-up dance in your bedroom mirror before prom. I'm just telling you what Barbizon never will, honey.
Lauren Turner: Now, who is this? Her name is "Lauren Turner," so I assume we're supposed to forget her quickly. Already did.
Kendra Chantelle: Nope, no air-kisses for us today, Kendra. It's a no. If you're going to be named something like "Kendra Chantelle," I'm going to require Barker's Beauty flair and some all-American vim. You pass, but with a C for "commonplace."
Ashthon Jones: Ashthon's my girl, but this hair-tousling was a last-ditch attempt at fire that never sparked.
Rachel Zevita: Ferocious togs, Rachel! They almost make up for your pained throes of agony. Are you... trying to reach something? What's even happening here? I can get those Wheat Thins for you off the fridge? I really can.
Haley Reinhart: My least favorite contestant gave, of course, one of my least favorite dance. Cross-eyes and air-kisses? You and Kendra Chantelle should air-mack.
Thia Megia: Fun pony dancing! She's only 15! Put a tiara on this tyke! Cute.
Lauren Alaina: This is what happens when you're a producer's pet who doesn't know what to do with her airtime. You wear a preposterous pink-and-purple Barbie getup, dye your hair to look like caramel popcorn, and play with your skirt like a toddler. You'll never get into the fancy kindergarten at this rate, Lauren.
Pia Toscano: Look at this American tragedy. She's a beautiful, talented girl hiding behind her brunette locks. India.Arie had much to say about this in "I Am Not My Hair."
Tatynisa Wilson: And finally, some air-guitar and Kelis head-wags to close out the number. Not bad. Not awesome, but I saw some "Milkshake" sass in those power chords.
Best Overall Dance: Naima Adedapo
Runner-Up: Jordan Dorsey
The "Good Try" Award: Brett Loewenstern
Worst Dance Award: Jovany Barreto