Read the Scathing Oscar Opening That Ricky Gervais Wrote For James Franco and Anne Hathaway

gervais_225.jpgEarlier this week, Academy Award co-host Anne Hathaway revealed that she would not be ripping a page out of Ricky Gervais' award show hosting playbook, How To Offend Everyone You're Supposed To Be Honoring...And Then Some. "I think that humor is really difficult to pull off," Hathaway said. "And I'm not particularly adept at it." (She also doesn't want to commit career suicide just to land a solid, below-the-belt jab at The Tourist.) If Hathaway changes her mind before Sunday, however, Ricky Gervais has thoughtfully assembled an entire Oscar opening monologue for her and Oscar co-host James Franco. Read it in its entirety below.

V.O.

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Please welcome your hosts for this evening...

James Franco and Anne Hathaway

(Music and applause)

(James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

JAMES FRANCO

Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,

Live from Los Angeles.

ANNE HATHAWAY

That's foreign for City of Angels.

And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

(Applause)

JAMES FRANCO

Thank you. I'm James Franco.

ANNE HATHAWAY

...and I'm Anne Hathaway.

JAMES FRANCO

You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.

ANNE HATHAWAY

And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JAMES FRANCO

It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JAMES FRANCO

Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

ANNE HATHAWAY

No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JAMES FRANCO

Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

ANNE HATHAWAY

But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London...

(Nervous laughter)

He's doing some charity work.

Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer.

He's telling them what bald little losers they are...

JAMES FRANCO

Yeah, cos he's rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you.

No rudeness tonight.

It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

That's not to say that we don't care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they'd been living off dead beetles all their lives.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yeah and Yoko Ono said. "What's wrong with that?"

(Laughter)

JAMES FRANCO

Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

(Nodding and smiling)

That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

(Murmurs of agreement)

Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny."

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

JAMES FRANCO

It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have botox or suck up to important producers - there's something wrong with him.

ANNE HATHAWAY

There must be. Why isn't the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

JAMES FRANCO

That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that's better than being fat right?

JAMES FRANCO

You bet it is gorgeous.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You are so handsome.

JAMES FRANCO

Exactly.

You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Really?

JAMES FRANCO

Yes. He'd often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.

ANNE HATHAWAY

And then vomit right?

JAMES FRANCO

No he left that bit out...

(Mild laughter)

ANNE HATHAWAY

That's because he couldn't get his fat f*cking fingers in his stupid mouth.

(Big laugh)

JAMES FRANCO

Anyway let's get this show on the road.

There were some great kids' movies this year.

I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Did you enjoy it?

JAMES FRANCO

No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me..."

(Laughter)

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.

JAMES FRANCO

Absolutely.

So let's get this show on the road.

Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss...

The wonderful...

Mel Gibson...

(Standing ovation)

And so on...

Now who would rather watch that than some Grease tribute numbers and PG-rated rump shaking? I know I would.

· Week one hundred and fifty-nine [RickyGervais.com via Vulture]



Comments

  • skimpypants says:

    *choking back hysterical laughter*

  • miles silverberg says:

    Steve Martin already did the Toy Story joke on one of the Oscarcasts that he hosted years ago, about another kids' movie.
    Other than that, some of this stuff is funny, but is Gervais going to be a bitter bastard forever? Or is that just his shtick? (He's too good at it for it merely to be an act). Eventually he's going to have to decide to either put up with Hollywood's institutionalized bullshit and accept the huge checks, or go back to England and feel superior on BBC money. (He'll have Office residuals for life anyway, so maybe he should just shut up, period)
    I'd cheer for him more if his shots were funny enough to mask the naked contempt, but mostly they're not. But then, I'm not a fan of the "uncomfortable comedy" of people like Gervais and Larry David. Oh well.

  • Mike Doc says:

    Hell, I *am* a fan of the uncomfortable comedy, but this just sounds bitter whining to me.
    So..."And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome." = "If I looked like James Franco, my Golden Globes material would've been no big deal." Come off the cross, need the wood, etc.
    Maybe this argument would be more valid if it were made by someone other than the writer & star of "The Invention of Lying"...in which his character felt it unfair that his looks automatically disqualified him from being with Jennifer Garner, while he simultaneously retched at the thought of sex with women less attractive than Jennifer Garner.

  • Jamea says:

    He's a bit self absorbed. But he knows that doesn't he. So by commenting on that fact... Is pointless. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he read this comment, found my e-mail, and personally berated me. That's just the kind of guy he is, right? Everything is pointless because there is no God... until you finger him out and then it becomes important and he defends himself. Unfortunately, everything he says has no meaning because there is no point to life. It's trivial. Like life. Like his life. It will all be forgotten.

  • Alex says:

    He's a genius. He just doesn't care about anything. Hollywood needs to fucking lighten up.

  • BigYalie says:

    I appreciate that Mr. Gervais (if he really wrote such a mock script) is exaggerating, but I don't think there is anything useful or appropriate about mocking cancer patients at any time or in any forum. If there is ever a case for censorship on grounds of manic tastelessness, this is it. Skewering celebrities is fair game, but trying to create humour by talking about "orphans with cancer" and calling them "bald little losers" (even if Gervais is trying to mock his own tastelessness) is sad and sick and more than disgusting. I don't understand any comedian or satirist or any website or news outlet such as Movieline agreeing to print such remarks. I don't think children suffering from cancer is ever funny just as the joke about child molesters is also unnecessary. There are at least a million minus two subjects that one can use for comic material.

  • padme says:

    God lighten up. Maybe those bald little cancer patients enjoy a little humour in their lives. He wasn't even making fun of them. He was making fun of himself for being a jerk.

  • Mary Jane says:

    I love Ricky. That was the funniest Golden Globes ever. This mock opening was hilarious, and all these hollywood haters who can't laugh at themselves prove all of his comedic points. I liked "The Tourist," and even Brad was laughing. You people need to get a sense of humor.

  • Marcus Tenenbaum The Fifth says:

    Simmer down oh wise ones. He obviously (and for obvious and understandable reasons) doesn't care about any of those nobodies. I'm not sure why everyone feels some kind of automatic, reflexive response to these people who make okay movies. It's entertainment, get over it.

  • Mrs. Gervais says:

    I haven't laughed this hard since Schindler's List!!!

  • Fred Zeppelin says:

    Amazing. You guys are in serious need of the instruction manual you seemed to have lost - 1. grab stick firmly from behind; 2. in a simple, swift motion remove it cleanly from your ass.

  • Mike Ross says:

    That was self indulgent shit. Gervais might have a few cards up his sleeve every once in a while, but that was more self centered than... I don't even know. Even if it's meant to be ironic.

  • Oh, Ricky. Your so funny, you blow my mind.

  • tia says:

    Did he seriously think Hollywood was REAL? This "I'm too ugly for Hollywood" routine is so old. Woody Allen did it a million times better. I just can't believe Ricky Gervais didn't know what he was getting into-everyone knows what Hollywood is and that's why we either love or hate it. He needs to make up his mind.

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