9 Lessons Learned From Lifetime's Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy

Believe it or not, there is an entire subset of the American population that does not look forward to snooty award shows like the Oscars because they have more important television obligations -- like Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy, the Lifetime docudrama starring Hayden Panetierre that premiered on Monday night. Forget your "powerhouse actors" and "staggering direction," the annoyingly ambivalent Amanda Knox had forgettable performances, a mediocre actor dressed like -- and constantly referred to -- as "Harry Potter" and a few grisly images thrown in for good measure. Oh, and for "authenticity," it dictated a few life lessons that Movieline has dutifully culled for you below.

1. If your creepily affect-less roommate is gallivanting around town with a former opiate user who collects knives and violent comics, maybe don't confront said roommate about her shoddy housekeeping skills. Let that untidy bathroom slide. It could be the difference between life and a Lifetime docudrama chronicling your death.

2. Don't invite a drug dealer into your home to read sexually explicit comics with you. This lesson is applicable in all countries.

3. Don't insult professional detectives by suggesting that the pool of blood in your shower is just menstruation-related, not murder-related. This is not Carrie and the last thing you should do is act like an arrogant American college student during a murder investigation.

4. You can't collect knives since the age of 12, insist on carrying one with you at all times and then act inconvenienced when police name you as a murder suspect -- especially if said murder was committed with a knife. As was the case of Knox's boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito.

5. Don't do cartwheels in the courthouse when you are a suspected of a highly publicized murder. It is very unbecoming.

6. Similarly, don't round second base with your knife-collecting beau while waiting to be questioned by police. And while we're on the subject, don't break up that make out session just to tell your grieving friend to quiet down. If a grisly throat slashing does not lessen your sex drive, you may be a murderer, and at the very least, a sociopath.

7. Don't falsely accuse someone of murder and then wonder why everyone thinks you are a liar.

8. Don't smile in court when you are considered a sinister murderer on trial.

9. When your mother tells you to come home after your roommate's throat has been slashed and you are being accused of a capital crime, LISTEN TO HER.



Comments

  • OldTowneTavern says:

    10. Do not choose a non-committal brown color in an attempt to play a convincing brunette.

  • Bruce Fisher says:

    Julie, when you post misinformation like you have, please keep in mind that you are talking about actual people. This is not a game. A young woman lost her life and two others have been wrongfully convicted. Your attempt at humor through sarcasm is really not in good taste. Please take time to learn the facts about this case.
    http://www.injusticeinperugia.org/

  • ninrod says:

    @Bruce Fsher
    As she is guilty, she went through an honest trial and lost, you can bash her. Murders deserve less.

  • Dave says:

    you know that she is guilty, right?

  • Annika says:

    Would you consider a movie made about the brutal murder of your child to be "annoyingly ambivalent?" Think, author, think.

  • Annika says:

    Would you consider a movie made about the brutal murder of your child to be "annoyingly ambivalent?" Think, author, think.

  • Patrick King says:

    I have to agree with other's here. Running this movie at all show very questionable ethics from Lifetime, but your snide review of it shows an oaf-like lack of understanding. Hopefully no one in your family is ever brutally murdered or wrongfully accused of brutal murder. I guess you're betting they won't be. If you ever experience this kind of horror, perhaps then you'll reconsider your callous disregard.

  • das says:

    Excellent lessons learned. This should be the first source of information for suspects with murdered roommates, right after appropriating legal representation.
    Of course these would be instinctive for most people.
    Some others might be
    Don't confess being at the scene of the crime,
    Don't formally accuse acquaintances of the crime.
    Do attend your murdered roommate's vigil.
    Do provide the same timeline of events as your alibi.

  • Grace says:

    10. Steer clear of Perugia Italy or you will likely be framed if a crime occurs close to your location.

  • Grace says:

    BTW, the movie was full of errors.

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