American Idol Hollywood Week: We're a Grown-Ass Group!

Telegram from Hollywood Week: Those old contestants you've seen sing already? They can still sing. Really! Signed, Nigel "I Only Care About Lauren Alaina Anyway, Lol, Not Joking" Lythgoe. Group week gave us little to hope for in terms of newer, breakout stars, but here are the four most memorable performances (for better or for worse) of the night.

Lauren Alaina and the Disposable Windbags!

Lauren Alaina is this season's ultra-pimped heroine, so I knew she'd slide through Hollywood week whether she sang like Aretha Franklin, Dr. Frankenfurter, or Anne Frank (who was notoriously sharp). When Lauren and three other growlers serenaded Walking Mugshot Steven Tyler with a rendition of "Some Kind of Wonderful," Lauren's vocals weren't even the best in the group, if we're being honest. That didn't stop Jennifer Lopez from adding a new verse to "Ain't It Funny" called "It doesn't matter what the hell just happened onstage, we only want Lauren" (featuring Ja Rule). Lauren survived, and the others died. Ryan Seacrest shot them with showbiz glances.

Robbie Rosen, Jordan Dorsey, and More of the Obnoxiously Confident!

Robbie Rosen, the snide little smile-prince who fancies himself the mayor of YouTubia, did his fake-nice thing this week with a rendition of "I Want You Back." He was accompanied by cocky-ass Jordan Dorsey and a trio of middling cronies, but they all advanced. Not a bad performance, but I'd like it if Robbie was told to 86 the faux-earnest facial tics. He thinks he's so damn cute. Thinks he's if he wears checkered shirts and coos like Robin Thicke, we'll love him. I just won't.

Jacee Badeaux and the Weirdos Who Remember the Lyrics!

How the hell did sad-bear honeychild Jacee Badeaux, who is 15, dawg, move past this week without remembering more than a single lyric of "Mercy"? Judges, this was your chance to boot the little boy who won't be the next American Idol. It really was. T'any rate, the judges allowed Denise Jackson, Stevie Cain, Natalie Hanson, and Brett Loewenstern through, even though I only see a real future for Denise.

The Sixteen-Year-Olds Whose Moms Would Kill Them for Messing Up!

Keonna Evans, Jalen Harris, Sarina-Joi Crowe, Feliz Ransey, and Deandre Brackensick may have been no-names prior to this round, but their take on "Somebody to Love" sounded how Glee should. (P.S. J-Lo dissed Glee at some point this episode, and I wanted to lick her beige-tan face like a wall in the Wonka factory. I hate that damn show too. Go on, Mami Anthony.) The harmonies were tight, the emotions ran high, and the four-star Star Search quality was there. However, these mesmerizing minors received the help of their mothers, who stayed around to coach their choreography and threaten to burn their dinners and f*ck with their homework. Utterly unfair, but I have a new favorite in Sarina-Joi Crowe!

And Finally, the "We'll Never Be Blu Cantrells"!

This is one of my favorite songs ever ("Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)"), and Keeira Lyn Ford, Ashley Sullivan, and Ashton Jones did it some justice. Except we need to trap Ashley Sullivan in her world of tears, because I'm done with her histrionics. She'll pretend to be pregnant next week, mark my words.


  • SunnydaZe says:

    Call me jaded but Ashley Sullivan needed a moment away from the cameras so her hoodie buddy could "administer" the "cure" for what ails her, catch my drift?

  • G says:

    I don't watch "Idol" but I can't stay away from your re-cap columns. Hilar, as usual.

  • Sally in Chicago says:

    This recap was delish. The teens were really great weren't they?

  • Louis Virtel says:

    Thank you! I hope to get more evil as the weeks progress.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    I'm worried the teens will wear on me, but for now I'm OK with them. If Robbie Rosen makes another Euphoric Croonface, though, I'm hurting passersby.

  • Jesse says:

    That was really nasty to kick Jacee out the group like that at the last minute just because he didn't "Fit" the style of the group for there choreography dances while singing. This is American Idol not "Making The Band" there looking for solo artist. It was there job to stand out as individuals in that group..anyway he mad it..good luck Jacee Badeaux

  • lac says:

    LOL Can you believe that let Ashley go the next round again after cryiing and forgetting the words.

  • Sally in Chicago says:

    I'm with you Ashley was a complete meltdown. Why do I feel that Nigel is telling the judges who to let through?

  • MOM says:

    I am a "Minor Mom", and we didn't force them to do anything. They came up with everything on their own. We were there to keep them focused and motivated, bceause they rehearsed for a very long time. As a matter of fact, we helped many of the contestants and they are still in the contest. In defense of James Durbin, he wasn't really that whinny. He was very nice to our children. Please rememeber that it is reality TV and drama brings ratings.

  • Uhm ... I am glad people liked Sarina-Joi. Her and her mom are actually friends of my wife and my son. As for the whining about getting help from their mothers? WEAK! If you had a chance to hear Sarina-Joi or any of the group sing prior you would have heard they have talent. Like any of the contestants didn't have opportunity to work with vocal coaches though, right? Sad. The only thing the moms were guilty of was perhaps being damn sure that other contestants without as much talent were not able to cause problems for the FIFTEEN AND SIXTEEN YEAR-OLDS SINGERS. Oh we keep saying it but does anyone consider they are STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL? You people need to get a life. I don't think any of the kids are going to win but I think they are better off for it cause WHEN they become recording stars, they we be all the better for it. The rest of you find a hobby and get a life. Remember it is a lot easier to criticize someone who is doing something then getting off you ass and doing something yourself. WEAK!