Gleebasing: Fat Bottomed Girls Make Valentine's Day Go Round

Phew! Glee shed that faux football-loving, thrill-seeking, Katy Perry-exploiting skin that it adopted for Super Bowl fans on Sunday, and got back to basics with last night's Valentine's Day episode, where Blaine explained that February 14th is the one day of the year when you can just tell the person you love how you feel. (Unless you belong to the Church of Love Actually, in which case that one day of the year is Christmas.) Meanwhile, Santana taught viewers that revenge is best served with glandular fever, and Ryan Murphy sold his soul to the Gap for a cute dance number. Let's review the highs and lows.

The episode opens with Puck gazing longingly at Lauren Zizes, the plus-sized New Directions member who challenged Puck to Seven Minutes in Heaven earlier this season, and, unexpectedly, captured his heart. Forget the fact that Puck usually bags cheerleaders and hot moms -- he's got his eye on "a whole lotta woman" and romances her accordingly, with economy-sized boxes of chocolate and a serenade of "Fat Bottomed Girls."

Meanwhile, Finn is dead set on winning Quinn back after their Super Bowl kiss and hatches a plan that involves a Kissing Booth. He can earn $1 per kiss to benefit the New Directions and hopefully reignite his relationship with Quinn -- Sam, her current boyfriend, be damned. The two end up kissing, with Sam watching, and everyone sees fireworks. No really, Ryan Murphy intercut the scene with fireworks. Subtle.

Even though Blaine captured viewers' hearts this season, he fumbles big-time by outing himself as a "hopeless romantic," and then reveals his poor taste in Valentine's Day Tchotchke. Smooching stuffed animals? Blaine thinks these are adorable. Heart-shaped pillows? Blaine owns stock in them. Custom-made conversation hearts? Blaine rents an airplane hangar in Ohio every February to store his collection. St. Valentine-themed dish towels -- to sop up your heart that runneth over? These aren't on the market yet but Blaine has a patent secured for their development. Don't get Blaine started on Valentine's Day, please. Oh wait, Kurt already did.

"I think there's something really great about a day where you're encouraged to lay it all on the line and say to somebody, 'I'm in love with you,'" Blaine declared to Kurt in the Valentine's aisle of some gift shop. But that's not all. Blaine won't shut up about Valentine's Day and pulls the whole, "I need your advice on something. There's someone I have feelings for, who I haven't known that long, but I'm wondering if you think it's OK to sing to them?" I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that because this conversation is taking place on Glee, America's favorite song-and-dance series, yes it's OK. In the real world, though, the answer is, "No." The answer is ALWAYS NO.

Back at McKinley High, Santana tells the class that Finn's kisses aren't worth $1, which prompts Ashley to call her a bitch. Those there are fighting words, and Schue yells "Whoa!" to punctuate this fact. The class continues ripping into Santana for being so cruel and Rachel makes a joke about a future involving pole-dancing.

Over at Dead Poets Society, or Kurt's new school, Blaine asks the Warblers to serenade his crush off-campus. The Warblers react like he just suggested that they make uniforms for a Prince number out of each others' skin. "Why would we even consider what you're asking?" wonders one Warbler. Kurt explains that the Warblers need to escape their gilded cage and sing in hostile environments. Like back alleys and nursing homes. So they go to the Gap, where Blaine's crush works as an assistant manager and perform a choreographed acapella version of "When I Get You Alone" in front of paying customers.

GapGlee500.jpg

Not only was this humiliating for the sweater-folding object of Blaine's affection, but it was humiliating for viewers who recognized the blatant product placement. "Gap: Where You Can Buy Sensible T's While Getting Serenaded By a Hottie in a Two-Toned Dinner Jacket." Blaine strikes out (though he does purchase some stylish socks), and Kurt comforts him.

Speaking of striking out, Puck serenades his hefty sweetheart with Queen's "Fat-Bottomed Girls." Because that's really romantic, guys with plus-sized girlfriends. "That's kind of my love song to you," Puck explained. "Because like the song says, you're kind of on the heavier side. But I'm into it."

Finally, Santana figured out that Finn and Quinn were making out in secret, bravely exposed herself to mono ("I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo") and spread it to Finn who then spread it to Quinn, who was then outed as a two-time cheater. Gasp! Also, Rachel sang "Firework" (there's that Katy Perry again) and the episode ended with a group pity party at Breadstix.

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