What is Charlie Sheen Really Trying to Say in His Press Release?

sheen_future_top.jpgAs you might have heard, Charlie Sheen has released a statement about his recent drug-and-porn binge and the subsequent rehab that has shut down production on the megahit Two and a Half Men. While it's pretty obvious to anyone observing the situation that Sheen is anything but sorry, the actor did make a vague attempt to explain his plan to correct the situation. Actually, no -- this might be the most cryptic press release in the history of press releases. As a service, Movieline has translated and annotated Sheen's official statement where possible:

"I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people."

I can't put my humble gratitude into words. Instead, how about you all come by my place in 90 days, maybe around 11 p.m.? BYOC.

"I want to say 'thank-you' to my fellow cast members, the crew of Two and a Half Men, and everyone at CBS and Warner Bros..."

Your discretion was appreciated, Angus, but look: You're going to be 18 years old this year. There comes a time in every boy's life that he walks in on a man snorting an eight-ball off the back of a manatee.

"...especially Les Moonves and Bruce Rosenblum for their concern and support."

Les, Bruce, did you happen to see the ratings for last week's episode? I should point out, that was a repeat of Two and a Half Men. What do you think the ratings will be for Jon Cryer and Half of a Man?

"And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much."

I appreciate the Facebook poke, Emilio.

"Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion..."

I will attempt to keep my dick away from hookers for the next two months.

"I just want to say, 'thank you.'"

Seriously, everyone, f*ck off.