How to Transform Every Other R-Rated Best Picture Winner into a PG-13 Movie

shalhoub_chigurh575.jpgIt seems like a forgone conclusion at this point that a) The King's Speech is on a direct course to a Best Picture win and that b) to capitalize on that win, the film will be re-released with some edits or "bleeps" so it can earn a PG-13 rating and play to a younger crowd. Kids today! They love a good expletive-free British period piece! Of course, the practice of cutting a few scenes actually makes sense for a movie that gets the dreaded NC-17 or X (A Clockwork Orange being one notable examples), considering how most theaters won't even carry the film in that instance. But from an R to a PG-13? Well, in that case, here is every single R-rated Academy Award winning Best Picture and some suggestions on how each and every one can be made more accessible to a wider audience.

· The Hurt Locker

A graphic scene depicting a human body used as an explosive device is cut and changed to a scene of Geoffrey Rush helping a shellshocked William James get over his stuttering problem.

· Slumdog Millionaire

Instead of being beaten backstage as torture, Dev Patel is forced to watch a never-ending loop of Dev Patel in The Last Airbender.

· No Country For Old Men

Javier Bardem's portrayal of Anton Chigurh is far too frightening for a PG-13 film. Bardem is digitally deleted from the film and replaced by Tony Shalhoub.

· The Departed

Every line of dialogue from Mark Wahlberg's character, Dignam, is replaced with just the words "not you."

· Crash

No changes. The less people who see this, the better.

· Gladiator

When a now bearded Commodus gives a thumb down signal, instead of bloodshed, the unfortunate sleeping victim is defecated on by Commodus.

· American Beauty

See: "Crash."

· Shakespeare in Love

Shakespeare deals with some pretty dark subjects and themes, so the title of the film is changed to Judy Blume in Love.

· The English Patient

Clint Eastwood instead assists the Count with his suicide, because when this scene happens in Million Dollar Baby it received a PG-13 rating.

· Braveheart

William Wallace's bloody insurgency and demise are left largely intact when Mel Gibson agrees to digitally add a beaver puppet to the most violent scenes.

· Schindler's List

The focus of the film shifts from the horrors of the Holocaust and, instead, focuses on one of Amon Göth's female guards who, as it turns out, is living with the horror that she never learned to read. (Note: This terrible idea for a story may have already been done in a movie also starring Ralph Fiennes.)

· Unforgiven

The final scene where [spoiler alert] Bill Munny kills Little Bill is replaced by a scene where the two settle their differences in a game of checkers a la Brandon Flowers and Eric Roberts in The Killers' video for "Mr. Brightside."

· The Silence of the Lambs

Jame Gumb's nude dance scene is now performed by Jason Segel.

· Rain Man

Instead of saying "K-Mart sucks," Ray Babbitt now says, "Wal-Mart Sucks."

· Platoon

It's now explained early on in the film that all of the soldiers fighting in Vietnam are actually mindless clones of Jango Fett.

· Ordinary People

Donald Sutherland and Judd Hirsch are replaced by Ed Asner and Gavin MacLeod.

· The Deer Hunter

The infamous Russian roulette scenes are all replaced with a just-as-tense Plinko competition.

· One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

How Do You Know is now attached and plays before the film starts. Nicholson's electroshock treatment now doesn't seem quite as harsh.

· The Godfather Part II

Don Fanucci is humorously shot in the balls as opposed to the face, and the scene on the lake with Michael and Fredo Corleone is cut and replaced by an explanation that Fredo has gone upstate to live on a farm.

· The Godfather

The horse's head found in Jack Woltz's bed is replaced by the head of Glomer from the Punky Brewster animated series.

· The French Connection

The title is changed to the more patriotic The Freedom Connection.

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  • The Winchester says:

    That Shlahoub Chigurh makes a mighty fine desktop pic. Much oblige.

  • S.T. VanAirsdale says:

    My pleasure! Sorry it's not so polished; that's all 20 minutes gets you these days.

  • CiscoMan says:

    That version of Gladiator might be better than the current, bloodless cable edit of the film. Then again, I'd also be willing to watch Joaquin Phoenix say, "It vexes me... I'm terribly vexed" on a loop for twenty minutes. I'm easy.