Attention Hollywood: Here is the Perfect Director for the G.I. Joe Sequel

As if 2011 wasn't already bad enough, now comes news that director Stephen Sommers will not be returning to direct the first sequel in the G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra franchise. But while his first film did gangbusters at the box-office and was widely regarded as "not as bad as it could have been," don't despair just yet. In fact, this news opens the door for the perfect pinch-hit director to take over and work his magic.

Yes, of course I'm talking about Sommers' last franchise-replacement, The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor director Rob Cohen.

Look, the fact that this franchise even exists is pretty dumb, so when choosing a director for the sequel, it's important to bring in someone who will crank the stupidity up to 11. And Cohen is our man. I'll admit I wasn't so interested in the guy during his successful days of directing male-adolescent wet dreams like XXX and The Fast and the Furious. But in his recent work, Cohen has become so audacious with his straight-faced stupidity that I fully endorse him to take on any and all worthless franchises that Hollywood has lying around.

Take his flop Stealth, in which a plane with a mind of its own goes on a killing spree and (Spoiler!) Josh Lucas more or less starts a global war with Korea in order to rescue Jessica Biel. The first hint of the plane's twisted mind comes when some colonel reports that the plane has been downloading music off the internet. When asked how much music the plane has downloaded, the colonel replies, "All of it." Evil! Then, despite the fact that crazy plane has all of the music on the internet, it still only blasts Incubus as it levels skyscrapers with machine guns.

Now, let's take a look at what happened the last time Cohen took over a franchise that Sommers started. In The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer, Cohen injected the dying franchise with the exact shot of life it needed: Field-goal kicking Yeti-bros. Take a look at the clip and then imagine what Cohen would come up with for a G.I. Joe sequel.


  • R. M. says:

    Just about everybody I know liked all the movies you're ridiculing. Have you ever made a movie? I wonder what American moviegoers would think of it if you did.

  • kingsley Adams says:

    fantastic Movie, the best ever seen on planet, i love this movie it capitalizes a lot, i hope Americans proceed on this great and fantastic , thank you.

  • Joanna says:

    I hope you're joking...Cohen and the screenwriters ran "The Mummy" series into the ground. The reason I liked the films is that Sommers would put history and folklore into those movies that made it seem that it happened in the real world. I know a girl that studied in China and saw the third film and noticed a LOT of things they got wrong.

  • Nerd says:

    I feel sorry for you. Those movies are terrible. Really, really terrible.
    Anyways, Sommers would be a good choice, but I wouldn't expect it to be a whole lot better than the first film.

  • The Winchester says:

    Upon first moving to LA, I got a job as a courier. I would often deliver to the Sony lot, and I would see the giant posters up for Stealth and best of all, I saw Rob Cohen's parking spot! A lovely spot with close proximity to both office and exit. (I always wanted to put a note on his car exalting love and joy towards The Skulls, but thought that might be a little too weird).
    About 2 weeks after Stealth was released, that spot was gone.

  • Brian Clark says:

    ...but not the Yettis right?

  • SunnydaZe says:

    In the original script the scene went like this>
    "Colonel, the plane has been downloading porn!"
    "How much?"
    "I don't know, yet. It will take me weeks locked in this room to find out."

  • CiscoMan says:

    I have to say I'm a little surprised by the level of acceptance toward the first GI Joe film from a number of different film writers. Whereas it didn't even meet my expectations for being a fun, mindless POS, others have gone the other way and thought Sommers was at least going in the right direction.
    May I suggest another Rob, that being Mr. Bowman, director of my fave guilty pleasure, Reign of Fire.

  • The Winchester says:

    Bowman's a good choice.
    Would also suggest the guy that made Doom and those Jet Li and a rapper action movies.

  • Brian Clark says:

    I like the Rob Bowman suggestion too. Just as long as the directors' first name is Rob.