Bad Movies We Love: Chastity

Diana hears our calls for more random behavior in this movie and decides to slap one of the assorted prostitutes in the face. Great. After that, she and Chas are apparently bonded in pseudo-lesbian trust. They start to hang out more often and lie in the grass (literally, jackasses) with each other.

"Are you having a daydream, Chastity?" Diana asks, her mind a trippy multicolored bus of wonderment. "I'm thinking about you."

"I guess I should be thinking about you, but I'm not," Chastity replies. "Does that make you feel bad?"

That's Chastity's version of admitting she ain't no g.d. lesbian. But wait, she can't quite shake the comfort of Diana's burlapped embrace.

"Why do you feel so peaceful?" Chastity asks (herself). "What happened to the world, outside? What makes it different this time? Is it her? She's weird. Too weird. Why isn't she bugging me then? Be careful, Chas, this is a new scene. You hate to be touched."

She hates to be touched, guys. Not a foreshadowing of her deep, dark past at all, of course. Let's move on.

Just when Diana starts to seem like a human being and not a pre-programmed vagina hunter, Chastity starts screaming at her during dinner. "You stink! This place stinks!" she clamors, just before running out the door and back to Eddie, who she will name Andre for no good reason in 13 minutes. She saw "Andre" in the dictionary and saw it meant "vociferously paradoxically jocular" -- and she knows she thinks likes that, whatever it means.

Chastity decides to like Andre. "Just cuddle me. Hold me tight. Let's pretend there's no world outside this room. Let's pretend we're the only two people who exist." That Notebook crap doesn't last long. Chastity begins hearing other voices in her heard that are seriously disturbing -- the voices of her parents talking about how Chastity's been (wait a beat) molested.

Oh. See. She's been molested. That's the key to this movie. Tortured by the memory of her past, Chastity leaves Andre and starts hitchhiking again. She cries. Ahem: That is the end of the movie. I'm sure Chastity's molestation-centric conclusion predates most After School Specials by a good seven years, so good for Cher, Sonny, and their ashamed offspring.

To review: Chastity is a homeless babe in a magenta top who is something of a hippie half-breed. She likes the company of men, but women also count. She needs the comforts of a home, but she needs to stay on the road. She's stone-cold and totally emotional. She talks to herself, but she's blocking out other voices. She doesn't make any sense but... yeah. That's the only sense we can make from her. BMWL!

The one truly and unironically redeeming quality of this meandering and plodding tale is Cher's performance. She's a double Oscar-nominee (and a winner), but she's never quite revered as an actress. Let it be known: Cher can take the role of an insular hooker who likes dictionaries and make it a little enjoyable. But otherwise? Throw a green burlap parka over this baby and set it afire. You don't like our touch, Chastity, but frankly the feeling is mutual. But still -- let's rendezvous at the Mexican cathouse once a year. Is that OK with you, Chastity? (I was talking to myself that time.)

Next Week: Perhaps the greatest Bad Movie We Love of the past five years -- Spider-Man 3.

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