The Mike & Molly Fat Joke Tracker: Your Sleep Apnea Quips Have Arrived

If I hadn't signed a contract in rendered lard at the beginning of the fall to religiously track each and every fat joke* during Mike & Molly's first season, I would be heading for the hills today. Because last night's episode "Mike Snores" featured a plot about the hilarity of sleep apnea and the second quip about falling asleep on the toilet this season. But I am contractually obligated to continue, so who is ready for some fat jokes?

[*As always in sitcoms, a joke is not something that actually makes its audience members laugh but any quip, retort or modified "Yo Mama" joke positioned directly before a burst from the deafening laugh track.]

"I'd use my sleep apnea machine but it comes with a big mask that you have to put over your face and it's not too sexy." Mike, on his tendency to snore

"He wants to cook for me. Probably won a pallet of spaghetti and an oil drum full of marinara." -- Molly

"You know you can get different color head straps. I went with basic black." -- Mike, on his sleep apnea machine

--"Nice, very slimming." -- Molly

"I'm looking for something that can accommodate two, let's say, larger people comfortably." -- Mike, while mattress shopping

"My gramma's got one of those memory foam beds. It's like sleeping on a cloud. A cloud that remembers the shape of your ass." -- Mike's best friend, while mattress shopping

--"Everything I sit on remembers the shape of my ass." -- Mike

"Very cushy. It's what I always imagine sleeping on you would feel like." -- Mike's best friend, testing out a mattress

"Sorry, I had to go home and repack and then I fell asleep on the toilet." -- Molly (This is not a fat joke but a horrifying enough visual to be noted.)

"What do you got in your bag? Golf clubs or an extra pair of underwear?" -- Molly's mother

"What time is the luau, Big Kahuna?" -- Molly's mother, about Mike's Hawaiian shirt

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