No, You're Wrong, Skating with the Stars Will be Fantastic

Apparently ABC didn't learn from Fox's misbegotten Skating with Celebrities, because it's turning out its own ice-dance competition series, Skating with the Stars. The roster of skaters includes Bethenny Frankel, skier Jonny Moseley, Disney actor Brandon Mychal Smith, Motley Crue rocker Vince Neil, a couple of soap actresses, and the incredible-and-inspiring Sean Young. Sound lame? It shouldn't. There are at least three ways this could be great.

Insane theme weeks

How, you ask, can the producers establish theme weeks when many of the contestants haven't skated in their lives? Simple: With outrageous costuming. You know what this means: Sean Young will don the Catwoman costume once again. And she will pirouette in it. You will not be treated to that level of delirium on any other reality show.

Meltdowns on the ice

See what I did there? Let's think about the emotional breakdowns (and breakthroughs) that might occur on the rink: After a faulty axle, Bethenny Frankel can reflect upon a traumatizing ballet recital that she ruined at Andy Cohen's house. The Disney star can bring up his failed audition for High School Musical 3, which required ice skates and a smile as wide as the Amazon. Sean Young can reflect on anything she has ever done.

Tonya Harding references

We can count on Bethenny for this one. Can't you just see her complaining, "May as well Gillooly me right here." Wait, what am I saying? Tonya Harding will undoubtedly make a cameo! Of course! I'm lacing up now.