The Halloween Hater's Guide to the Weekend

I despise Halloween. What makes it worse are the people who just love Halloween. Why do I look at this entire weekend as one big costume-buying hassle while everyone else -- like the Conners or the Dunphys -- is having the time of their lives? Or maybe not everyone else: At least a few of you must be Halloween haters, and it's high time we stick together.

As such, and because a simple recommendation to "watch football" and/or "rent Woody Allen movies" hardly seems adequate for the three-day extravaganza ahead, I've been urged to use my anti-Halloween expertise to write the Halloween hater's guide for 2010:


OK, here we go. If you want to spend your weekend at the local cineplex avoiding all things Halloween there's... well, as far as new releases, there's not a lot. The only wide release is Saw 3D, and that kind of defeats the purpose. But, hey, next weekend there's Megamind, 127 Hours, Fair Game, Due Date and For Colored Girls. Really? Not one of these films could have been released this weekend? Anyway, you can always see The Social Network again or just stare at the "coming soon" posters, dreaming of a better time that's only one week away. Or maybe you're better off sticking to...


While everyone you know is bobbing for apples on Saturday night (do people actually still do this? It seems a bit unsanitary and a good way to catch mono), you can be at home watching the great Jon Hamm host Saturday Night Live. And while you're waiting for 11:30 p.m. to roll around there's... (flips through onscreen cable guide) Hey! Titanic is on TBS at 8 p.m., which, with commercials, will take you all the way until midnight. Look, as far as non-Halloween programming, that's about as good as it's going to get unless you want to watch the debut of Amelia on HBO -- and trust me, you don't. Actually, our best bet seems to be over on WE with a Golden Girls marathon. I'm not kidding -- even the Hallmark Channel is playing Edward Scissorhands.

New DVD Releases

When at first we don't succeed, there's always new DVDs to watch. This week saw the release of... oh, Christ. Sex and the City 2. Seriously? Can I catch one break when it comes to these categories? I'm about to give up, what else is there? The World Series? Should I recommend the World Series? Really, because unless your name is S.T. VanAirsdale, this World Series has been abysmal. Yeah, watch that, because 9-0 games are so suspenseful. I give up.

Recommendation: Quit whining and go to a Halloween party. Or watch football and rent some Woody Allen movies.


  • The Winchester says:

    Spoiler Alert: The boat sinks.

  • S.T. VanAirsdale says:

    Hey, _my_ name is S.T. VanAirsdale! And check out my boys! Woooo!
    Also: If your name is Cody Ross, then I imagine you're enjoying the Series, too.

  • Martini Shark says:

    Now you've done it, Ryan. You are primed to have someone egg your monitor!

  • Mike Ryan says:

    I think I'm fine with that. At least it will give me an excuse to get a new laptop.

  • Scraps says:

    Dear World Series games, please stop tricking me into thinking your good, only to pull the rug out from under me in the later innings with a sudden blow out. Both games I've watched, and both games I thought, for the first half of the games, were going to be classics. Then the Giants explode and it's like Dark Helmet is yelling "Fooled You!!!!" at me. So please, if the rest of the games are going to be blow outs, can we establish that in the early innings so I can flip over to LeBron or a hockey game or something...

  • Martini Shark says:

    Ok, I'm seeing your point: Flipping channels I saw the graphics of CMT done up with bones and a spider's web - and they even animated a fly getting stuck, and a spider decending to eat it. This during the weepy conclusion to Extreme Makeover. Touching.

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