Project Runway Recap: All the Muse That's Fit for Prints

Project Runway, like Barbra Streisand or Avatar or my uncle with the speedboat, took us on an emotional journey last night. Tears fell. Gays blossomed. And I'm prepared to say we watched the best judging session in the history of the show -- qualified, detailed critiques with loads of fun disagreement among the panel. What is this, a show about respecting fashion? I don't understand anymore. Let's rip it all open.

We're down to seven designers, lambs. Heidi assembles them on the runway and tells them they're "starting from scratch" this time around, which seems like a stupid pun. Maybe "Scratch" is the name of a L'Oreal hair consultant or a zany milliner or Seal's new alterego. You just don't know.

Tim takes Gretchen, Michael C., Andy, Valerie, Mondo, Christopher, and April to the workroom and explains that, luckily, Heidi was sort of telling the truth. They have to design the core element of their work: the print. They'll be using nifty, sponsor-riffic HP touch-screen technology too. Tim also commands the contestants to mine from their pasts, make themselves cry, and create patterns that relate to their personal lives and experiences. He cues up baby pictures of the designers to prove he is serious about this personal sh*t. Tim wants vulnerability, you unfeeling misanthropes. Cry! Bleat!

Suddenly the show is Stand By Me and we're treated to a smattering of poignant back-stories. Here are some inexact quotes punched up with pop culture references.

April: "My parents divorced when I was young. It was the first experience that made me realize life isn't a walk in the park. So my print will be dark and somewhat romantic. And maybe I'll throw in a picture of Meryl Streep taking the stand in Kramer Vs. Kramer. The leggings will look just like Dustin Hoffman. The gloves will bear a resemblance to Jane Alexander."

Christopher: "I grew up in San Diego and moved to San Francisco, so there's been a water theme throughout my life. So, I'll be using blue today. There's going to be some blue here. Not a lot though. Just a little. And some white. Blue and a little white. A little blue, I mean. Both. Both little blue and little white. Blwhite. Waterworld: The Outfit."

Gretchen: "I grew up in the Southwest."

Valerie: "My dad was... an architect. Lines were... very important to him. There will be lines in my design."

Mondo: "I've actually been HIV positive for ten years and I haven't told my family before. I don't want to hide it anymore. So I'm going to work with that."

WHAT. You'll notice the list of personal experiences ranged from "I have been near water in my life" to "I have a scary illness and I've been forced to withhold this deeply personal part of myself from those who know me best." Go, Mondo. He's clearly the darling this season, the most inventive designer of the bunch, and now he's just won a major chunk of audience sympathy in a moment of very sincere, un-cloying honesty. What's not to root for?

But wait, the producers of Project Runway are here to shower you with emotional manipulation: While the designers work on their garments, they're greeted by unexpected visitors: Their wuvved ones. Valerie lets out a gasp when she lays eyes on her mother, Michael C.'s son strolls in, Christopher's partner of 10 years (boo) walks in, and Mondo's mother arrives bearing hugs. You like dramatic irony much, dear reader? Because Mondo's mother doesn't know the secret behind his design, which suddenly has a bunch of black plus signs in it. Oh, sisterchild. It is too much to bear. Tim tells the group they have the rest of the day off to hang out with their loved ones. That's cute, but kind of dull. Onto the pain!

After another day of work, the designers take the final runway where guest judge Rachel Roy is a feisty young fashion expert who is as competent and articulate as last week's guest, Naeem Kahn. Adore her already, especially she's not Kristen Bell or January Jones. April sends down a single-sleeved ice skating outfit with a black-and-white "divorce-conjuring" print and a fluffy tutu. Valerie produces a jagged blue print with "architect lines" on it -- and she employs the same method of sewing and folding that she did on her napkin skirt from the party store challenge. Mondo turns out insanely high-waisted pants made from his plus-sign-centric fabric. He pairs it with a skimpy black-and-white tank up top and even a frisky-fun jacket. The juxtaposition of loud prints is cool, but I have to say, I think the pants are too ill-fitting to be fabulous. Michael Costello's bodice shape is downright Elizabethan, Christopher's outfit is some fug blue-and-white Coldwater Creek-wear, and Andy makes -- as Heidi will soon call it -- an "unwearable" diaphanous top with poorly fit shorts.

Before judging begins, Heidi announces that "there were a lot of conflicting opinions," and thus, all the designers will have to be insulted on the runway today. Oops! And hooray. Here's a greatest hits of the judges' comments (with some added evil as I saw necessary).

Michael Kors: "I mean, Michael C., it looks like a men's foulard tie that you cut in half. Christopher, you didn't take it far enough. You didn't take it to the front porch even. Andy, you really dumbed yourself down, very banal. The pleats are very odd. Hiss. Gretchen, is that a fried egg on her boob? Valerie, this looks literally like paper. You took the life out of the fabric. Which makes you a murderer."

Nina Garcia: "Hate the styling, Michael C.! Christopher, this isn't fashion, this is boreshion. Charming print, April. Valerie, there is a heaviness to what you do, and that makes me think of downtrodden fat people. Mondo, I wish I knew what these pants were about. Explain them to me. Oh. HIV? Oh. Um. That's very brave of you. Good job. Smile emoticon."

Rachel Roy: "Andy, you're having a painterly moment with your print, which is lovely. But the outfit is so odd and confusing and upsetting to me. Nothing sexy about her. She is a dead virgin. April, you're unique. Gretchen, I wrote 'almost' for you. The earthiness and rawness are there. Valerie, the blue hem is poorly done. Mondo, it's too clean."

Heidi Klum: "I like the ones that would look good on me. Mondo, you win, Valerie you lose."

And that's that. Sure, Mondo had a pretty cued-up emotional moment on the runway when he told the story behind his print, but again, he's not a self-aggrandizing or schmaltzy contestant. He does wear suspenders and Sunday school shorts, though, so let's remember to squint a little when we lavish attention on him. OK? Perf. See you next week for Mondo & Psuedo-Friends.