Who's Going to Play 'Snooki' in the Inevitable Film Adaptation of Snooki's First Novel?
Boardwalk empress Snooki is writing a novel that seems to recall her exploits on Jersey Shore, that show of hers. According to the book's press release, Shore Thing (ugh, what? No Juicehead Revisited? Mein Poof?) will be a "fun, sexy novel about a single girl looking for love on the Jersey shore," complete with "big hair, dark tans, and fights galore." Yeah, that's fine -- but when Hollywood decides to turn Shore Thing into a major cineplex draw (and assuming this protagonist is a Snooki snookelganger), who will play her? Movieline investigates.
We'll start with the more plausible options and work our way into tan fantasyland.
1. Amanda Bynes
Fresh out of retirement and looking to recapture that She's the Man zeal, Amanda Bynes is a perfect fit for Snooki's head-noddy, eminently woozy theatrics. If I remember the slapstick flair of her All That days well enough, she may be capable of a front walkover, too. That's how you snag the Saturn Award, ladies and gentlemen.
2. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's overdue for ironic casting, and a lead role as Schnickers would do the trick. Snooki's drunk, irresponsible, brash, and she's even been compared to Lohan by an elected judge. All hail the potential greatness of I Know Who Smushed Me.
3. Christina Aguilera
Burlesque was just the beginning. Aguilera's hit a lull in her recording career, and we all know what that means -- time to get slutty again. With Redman at her side playing DJ Pauly D, a deep-fried, dirrty-fied Aguilera can capture Snooki's club command.
4. Rachel Dratch
Snooki's languid patois may require the copycat prowess of a character actress, and noted shorty Dratch has the chops for it. She should consider Snooki a chance to rectify and revisit the core insanity of Spring Breakdown.
5. Linda Hunt
The Oscar winner has been searching for an award-worthy follow-up to her 1983 triumph in The Year of Living Dangerously (since this NCIS: Los Angeles business clearly won't do). With her petite stature and and commitment to character, Hunt will tear up the screen as a frighteningly believable -- if slightly younger-looking -- Nicole Polizzi.
6. Helen Mirren
She was the first person I thought of with a bangin' bikini bod. You wouldn't not see it. If she doesn't work out, notable sand-stomper Peter O'Toole is an acceptable substitute.