The Gossip Girl Wit & Wisdom Index: Moving Day

Panic ran through Movieline HQ during the opening moments of Gossip Girl last night. With the titular site "under construction," our fearless narrator of all things Upper East Side was silent. What about the index, GG? Blair admirably tried to pick up the slack ("Unlike those plebeians at NYU, the students at Columbia actually respect and understand the power of Gossip Girl"), but even her vicious one-liners didn't offer the comforting mix of wit and wisdom that Gossip Girl so routinely provides. Was this the end of Rico? Nope! Just a plot device.

Armed with a site makeover -- which suspiciously looks exactly like her old site; maybe it was backend maneuvering -- and free from stuffy French vowels, Gossip Girl returned to the UES just in time for Serena and Blair's first day of school at Columba. Cue secret societies and back-biting! In the case of Dan and Vanessa, the first day of school meant another day of changing diapers and playing house. (Between that aforementioned Blair dig and the way Dan and Vanessa couldn't seem to care less about classes, the writers of Gossip Girl clearly hate NYU; or were rejected.) And then there was Chuck Bass, trying to outrun his date rape-y past and settle down with Fleur Delacour Clémence Poésy. Let's sort everything out and hit the index:

· "Sorry for the silent treatment, gossips, but everyone needs the occasional R&R, even yours truly. Lucky for you, I observed a sacred Upper East Side tradition and had a little work done while I was gone. Now, enough the pleasantries, time for the dirt. I spy with my many eyes, Chuck Bass returning from Paris yesterday with a pretty new fall accessory. But if she's the kind of girl you bring home to your stepmother, why is Chuck visiting Lily solo?"

Probably because Lily's husband Rufus wants to kill Chuck for stealing his daughter's V-card/almost date raping her. Otherwise, maybe they can have family game night!

Witty or Wise: Obtuse.

· "Also spotted: Lonely Boy's baby mama looking like one hot mama on the beach in St. Bart's. If she's flown the coop who's cleaning up her baby's poop?"

That, friends, is the first time on record that Gossip Girl has made a poop joke. There are so many wonderful things in this sentence, but my favorite is that she rhymed "mama" with "mama."

Witty or Wise: Witty.

· "What about Serena and Blair? It seems our girls have started their college careers with a social call to Hamilton House. But if B is the one holding the key to the kingdom, I guess Serena is out in the cold."

The whole "Blair gets into the secret club but Serena doesn't!" plot was one of those frustrating Gossip Girl storylines, but since it had such a delicious payoff (see below) the contrivances can be forgiven. What can't, however, is that Gossip Girl decided to mix "B" and "Serena" into the same sentence. Sorry, GG: It's either "B & S" or "Blair and Serena." You can't do both.

Witty or Wise: Witty

· "Spotted: B holding court at Hamilton House. Don't worry S: It's not your party, but you can cry if you want to."

So simple, so perfect, so witty.

Witty or Wise: Witty.

· "They say old habits die hard, but when it comes to Serena and Blair, old jealousies die harder."

Flop sweat.

Witty or Wise: Witty, I guess.

· "Spotted: S and B discovering the joys of filmmaking. Smile for your close-up, Juliet."

Let's talk about this wonderful twist that you probably saw coming from a mile away: Psycho Juliet ("I'm not trying to ruin peoples lives") decided to ruin Serena's life by withholding her key to Hamilton House. Only, Serena sees right through this, enlists the help of her mother, stages a fake cat fight with Blair and gets into a secret society that is neither secret, nor exclusive. Well, A for effort, right? (How Juliet became the "keymaster" and why she looks 10 years older than every other Columbia student are questions for another day.)

Witty or wise: Witty.

· "Sometimes you just have to come clean, no matter how many dirty secrets come out."

That's just good advice.

Witty or wise: Wise.

· "Rumor has it S & B have changed their relationship status from 'besties' to 'roomies.' Friends or lovers, moving in is risky business. Any time the rules change, you don't know how they'll change you. We take the risk because the payoff can be so great. But the truth is, we never truly know who we're living with. Or the company they keep."

By the end of "The Undergraduates," three key relationships had taken the "next step:" Dan and Vanessa, Serena and Blair, Chuck and Eva. Fun! With the baby subplot now disposed of (tying that loose end up: Georgina came back and will raise Baby Milo), Vanessa and Dan might have the best chance of surviving, if only because they're both tremendous narcissists. On the downside, Blair and Serena will probably wind up going Mommie Dearest on each other by sweeps.

Witty or wise: Wise.

· "Better watch out kids, trouble's moving in and it's looking to make the Upper East Side its bitch."

Gossip Girl -- who apparently even has connections inside jail cells -- said this while Psycho Juliet was meeting with some orange-jumpsuit-wearing prisoner and talking about her scheme. She alludes to the fact that the girls are going to be a bigger problem than the boys. Fair. Though considering the only boy she's had any contact with is Nate -- and he's got the intellect of a dead Golden Retriever -- maybe she should have been a bit more specific. Anyway, expect this craziness to continue.

Witty or wise: Wise.

OVERALL: Despite a furious final push, it looks like WIT wins out for the week. It's hard to be wise when you make a baby poop joke.