Dancing with the Stars Door Prizes!: Have I Told You Lately That I Hate You?

Scattered thoughts about last night's Dancing with the Stars: Michael Bolton -- hapless man. Brandy -- what a crazy. Audrina Patridge -- this show makes me like her, and I'm uncomfortable. And now, onto the door prizes! Let's stand and clap as Dancing with the Stars's judges give condescending and inappropriate accolades to three of last night's dancers.

The "Carrie Ann Inaba Diplomacy Award" Goes to Michael Bolton

Score: 12

Style: Jive

Carrie Ann's Speech to Bolton: "Hey, Michael! Hi. This is when it's hard to be a judge. But wow! I could see you really, really tried. I saw that! I saw that. You crawled out of that embarrassing doghouse like Margot Kidder in the bushes, and I appreciate that. But you know? It sort of didn't work out. Your body tends to lock up when you're stressed. So did all of America watching that. That's all I'll say. That is all that I will say. However, I'm going to make telling facial expressions for another 90 seconds. Watch. (*Smirks*, winces, gnashes teeth, bites lip, pretends to asphyxiate, seizes, pukes.)"

The Len Goodman "Victorian Disgrace" Award Goes to Margaret Cho

Score: 18

Style: Jive

Len Goodman's Speech to Cho: "My word. In all my years courting duchesses and governesses and snooker players' wives, I have never seen a lady jive with as little elan as you, Ms. Cho. The clumsy kicks! The limp toning! The audacity of your pathetic shoulders. The nerve of your bosoms, bobbling about like middle-class, uncircumcised children at a cotillion. You'll never be wed."

Bruno Tonioli's Sexy-Sexy-Sex Award Goes (Again) to Jennifer Grey

Score: 24

Style: Jive

Bruno's Speech to Jennifer: "Ay yiy yiy, erotic fringe princess! I'm the meow daddy and I likey like! You dance with such ass. You turn it back around, throw it down, flip it, and reverse it, young sex object. You thrust and gyrate like all good women shouldn't. You give America the AARP sensual soul boner it deserves. Licky lick to you, doll."