Survivor Loser Review: Shameful Shannon

shannonsurvivor225.jpg"Tribal Council" should just be renamed "Occasion to Mess Up." I want Jeff Probst to sit with each week's losing tribe and say, "Welcome to an occasion to mess up. Go." Then the racist and homophobic and incendiary back-and-forth can begin. Last night the La Flor tribe decided to vote out its --- hmmmm? -- most idiotic contestant by a mile Shannon. God, what a huffy little jag. Let's list his three biggest downfalls in yesterday's episode of Survivor while cackling at his jag visage.

1. Being a Totalitarian Creep

While other members of the La Flor tribe (like the sputtering and over-reactive NaOnka and the quietly two-timing Chase) had their dubious moments, Shannon outdid them both with his political strong-arming. Or as I like to call it: Whimpering loudly. He'd chosen Brenda as an elimination target with a couple malleable members of the team -- like mutated 1993 Brad Pitt/River Phoenix party dude Jud -- but after Chase tattled and told Brenda his plan, she said rather plainly, "He's the one telling everyone what to do and whispering in everyone's ear." And so, Chase ditched his alliance with Shannon and the plot against him began. But oh! How the backfiring had just begun! It was like John Tucker Must Die in this way.

2. Screamy Crying

After the Espada tribe whooped the munchkins of La Flor in that boring mud relay, the youngsters ended up divided when it came to selecting who to vote off: Five votes were going Brenda's way, and five were heading Shannon's way. Well, once Jeff Probst sat the ten of them down at Tribal Council and muttered, "Start talking," or whatever, Shannon metamorphosed into a mangy goblin. "Chase is a backstabber!" he said, or something. "He makes me uncomfortable! He's not a good person! He's a bad person! I'm pointing now! Pointing brings this argument to a close." His teammates were skeptical. But then! Oh, but then...!

3. A Soupcon of Homophobia for the Road

Shannon, whose blue eyes had turned into possessed slime pools by this point, turned toward Sash -- thus far an unassuming presence on the team -- and growled, "I'm just going to ask: Are you gay?" Speechless, Sash said nothing (on the count of the speechlessness) while Shannon continued and said that Sash lives in New York "where all the gay people are" and said that in his native Louisiana, you don't see gays up and around and invading the outdoors. Well! Loose cannon much? Sash had planned to vote differently earlier, but after that snap, he changed his vote to the freak with the inventive sociology ideas. And thus, Shannon's demise was imminent. Thank God. Can't wait to see who turns into a sniveling, evil Adrien Grenier-looking thing next week!


  • TurdBlossom says:

    His moobs are hypnotically distracting.

  • Charles Runnette says:

    Does the "pest control" job explain the moobs somehow? Is he lactating?
    They scared me. And, obvs, turned me on a little.

  • Strepsi says:

    Yes, they are, Shannon's moobs are Jesse Metcalf-level deliciously nippled yet hypnotically distracting (maybe this subliminally caused the John Tucker Must Die reference?)

  • linda says:

    when was sash planning to vote out brenda??...he was planning the minority alliance...he is no better than shannon

  • Dave says:

    So, I love the loser review, but I (like probably many people) don't watch Survivor live. When you put the loser in the headline, it means either it spoils the episode for the week or I have to avoid Movieline until I've watched it... both options make me sad...