A Post-Mortem on American Idol's Predictable -- Yet Disastrous -- Press Conference

American Idol's live event at the Forum to announce the show's two new judges was...hmm? Unsurprising at best? A glitchy nightmare at worst? Yep, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez formally entered the Idol fracas, and both of them looked as thrilled as, say, we did when Lee DeWyze won last season. So, grim. Let's see where this all went wrong.

Forget that Steven Tyler looked as woozy as a drunken prairie dog while Jennifer Lopez gave us soundbites like, "I'm really excited! I really am!" The worst part of Idol's big announcement was the lack of audio until the final three minutes of air. We didn't hear Ryan Seacrest announce Steven Tyler's name. We didn't hear Steven Tyler murmur, "Thank you, it's good to be here. (Burp)," and we didn't hear any of Jennifer Lopez's clip package. As AmericanIdol.com commenter Juggs64 put it, "awesome, no sound for all i see, nice job guys." Thank you for the clarity as always, Juggs. Somebody's getting axed from the Idol sound bay as I type, but the error felt emblematic of the event as a whole: A whole lot of spectacle with only a static reception. You might know me by my real name, Dorothy Parker.

By the way, once the audio began working during Seacrest's brief interview with Lopez, one of the first things we heard Mrs. Marc Anthony say was "I'm looking for the next Michael Jackson!" And girl, you better find it, otherwise this season will be the staggering dung fortress we all expected. Steven Tyler knows it too -- he left the stage with such a half-hearted wave that I started hooting verses from "Jaded" before he hit the wings.