20 Available Quips & Puns for Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez to Use on Idol
Let's tally up everything that may suck about season ten of American Idol: the disinterested judges; the banal contestants; Randy Jackson's awkward and continued presence; the Chekhovian pangs of a past we'll never get back. So, those! What does this leave us to anticipate? Ah, yes: Quips and puns. If Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler plan on making themselves tolerable, they're going to need a long winter's supply of pun-y retorts to slay auditioners with. I'm helping them out with 20 hearty, charbroiled slabs of zinger-flickin' goodness. Click ahead for the hilarity.
1. "Dream off."
2. "Dog, your pitch was like love in an elevator. Up and down and pushing all the wrong buttons and ending in a painful HJ. Get out my face."
3. "Hey! J-J-J-aded! You've got your mama's style -- what is that, a kerchief? But you're yesterday's child. Beat it."
4. "I headlined at Waynestock. You might make the marquee at Plainstock. Nice floor-length jean skirt, babe."
5. "If you walked this way, I'd run. DMC. That stands for 'damn motherf**king chop-chop' today, Tina. Cheerio."
6. "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet demooooooooootion. You've been demoted. To loser, I mean."
7. "Cheer up, baby. Alicia Silverstone could play you! I'm serious. Because you cryin' and crazy, freak! Leave!"
8. "Dude sounds like a lady. And it ain't family-friendly Mrs. Doubtfire crap."
9. "I still don't want to miss a thing. Except another cover of that song for the rest of time."
10. "Wait, stop singing. Stop. I'm ready to go back to rehab."
1. "Love don't cost a thing, girl, but you just spent your dignity trying to get it on clearance. No deal."
2. "I'm real! -- pissed."
3. "I hope you have a 'back-up plan' too, jackass. Like making me a Frappuccino."
4. "Let's annul this right now. I have to give you an Ojani Noa."
5. "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got. Because I will cast them at you."
6. "I'd like you to star in a sequel to Out of Sight called Out of Earshot, you trampy caterwauling dog. Never come back."
7. "I see some of myself in you -- in that I'd like to you to make a U-Turn and head into obscurity for awhile. Ugly nerd."
8. "Too much 'puff,' not enough 'daddy.' Belt from the diaphragm, honey."
9. "This is not what I meant when I said, 'Let's get loud,' mami. There's a ringing in my ear now."
10. "Big secret: I'm more Yolanda than Selena. Someone restrain me. Security!"