20 Available Quips & Puns for Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez to Use on Idol

Let's tally up everything that may suck about season ten of American Idol: the disinterested judges; the banal contestants; Randy Jackson's awkward and continued presence; the Chekhovian pangs of a past we'll never get back. So, those! What does this leave us to anticipate? Ah, yes: Quips and puns. If Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler plan on making themselves tolerable, they're going to need a long winter's supply of pun-y retorts to slay auditioners with. I'm helping them out with 20 hearty, charbroiled slabs of zinger-flickin' goodness. Click ahead for the hilarity.

Tyler

1. "Dream off."

2. "Dog, your pitch was like love in an elevator. Up and down and pushing all the wrong buttons and ending in a painful HJ. Get out my face."

3. "Hey! J-J-J-aded! You've got your mama's style -- what is that, a kerchief? But you're yesterday's child. Beat it."

4. "I headlined at Waynestock. You might make the marquee at Plainstock. Nice floor-length jean skirt, babe."

5. "If you walked this way, I'd run. DMC. That stands for 'damn motherf**king chop-chop' today, Tina. Cheerio."

6. "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet demooooooooootion. You've been demoted. To loser, I mean."

7. "Cheer up, baby. Alicia Silverstone could play you! I'm serious. Because you cryin' and crazy, freak! Leave!"

8. "Dude sounds like a lady. And it ain't family-friendly Mrs. Doubtfire crap."

9. "I still don't want to miss a thing. Except another cover of that song for the rest of time."

10. "Wait, stop singing. Stop. I'm ready to go back to rehab."

Lopez

1. "Love don't cost a thing, girl, but you just spent your dignity trying to get it on clearance. No deal."

2. "I'm real! -- pissed."

3. "I hope you have a 'back-up plan' too, jackass. Like making me a Frappuccino."

4. "Let's annul this right now. I have to give you an Ojani Noa."

5. "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got. Because I will cast them at you."

6. "I'd like you to star in a sequel to Out of Sight called Out of Earshot, you trampy caterwauling dog. Never come back."

7. "I see some of myself in you -- in that I'd like to you to make a U-Turn and head into obscurity for awhile. Ugly nerd."

8. "Too much 'puff,' not enough 'daddy.' Belt from the diaphragm, honey."

9. "This is not what I meant when I said, 'Let's get loud,' mami. There's a ringing in my ear now."

10. "Big secret: I'm more Yolanda than Selena. Someone restrain me. Security!"



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