The Gossip Girl Wit & Wisdom Index: The Man Who Wasn't There

Before diving into the very-good-pretty-great second episode of Gossip Girl, a bit of housekeeping. Because of a severe lack of product, The Gossip Girl Pun Index is going on indefinite hiatus. In its stead, however, find the new and improved Gossip Girl Wit & Wisdom Index, because no one doles out weekly wit and wisdom like Gossip Girl herself. Everyone wins! Click ahead for some thoughts on "Double Identity" and you just might learn something too.

OK, probably not. But at least the episode was good! With the cobwebs of the season premiere blown aside, "Double Identity" left Gossip Girl fans with the things they love most: Chuck and Blair together again (albeit briefly), Dan and Nate sharing a bromantic moment and Serena wearing Tina Turner's shoulder pads from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Plus, we're done with Paris! Let's hit the index:

"Summer is coming to a close and, as everyone knows, Paris, like the Upper East Side, empties out in August, leaving behind only the tourists and the dreamers, lamenting the imminent return to real life."

Call me a philistine, but I didn't know Paris was anything like New York City in August. Does the City of Light smell like pee and garbage as well?

Witty or Wise: Wise.

"They say it's easy to forget your troubles when the weather's warm. But all it takes is one fall breeze to blow reality right back in your face. Watch out Blair, he who sows the wind, reaps the storm."

Even accepting that Blair received the shock of her summer when she saw Chuck -- wearing his best Han Solo vest -- limping across a Paris street with a cane, shouldn't the gender match up in the second sentence? Gossip Girl knows better than to muddy her waters like that. Also: It's utter gibberish.

Witty or Wise: Neither.

"I'm not trying to ruin peoples lives."

This actually wasn't said by Gossip Girl but by Nate's new girlfriend, Juliet (Katie Cassidy), and I couldn't help but include it. Note: Whenever anyone says anything like "I'm not trying to ruin peoples lives," they mean the opposite. Just sayin'.

"Holy Bruce Wayne, Batman! It's one thing to hide who you really are. It's another to pretend you don't exist."

Holy plot machinations, Batman! The idea that Chuck Bass would stop being Chuck Bass never held any water -- or suspense -- because he's Chuck Bass. As for the voice over, I love a good Adam West-era Batman reference, but I'm not entirely sure Gossip Girl's core audience does.

Witty or Wise: Witty.

"Spotted: One American, leaving Paris. Au revoir, l'enfant terrible."

Movie references for everyone! Once again, a hat tip to Kristen Bell for wrapping herself around these heavy French vowels. If anyone is happy that Gossip Girl is finished with Paris, it's her.

Witty or Wise: Witty.

"If Dan's spotted kissing Vanessa and Nate's early morning coffees are with a new blonde, it looks like the odds-makers have taken a beating. Serena van der Woodsen will be walking onto Columbia's campus single. This poll is now closed and nobody won."

Had Gossip Girl meant "pole" instead of "poll," this would have been her finest hour. Alas, according to closed captioning, she did not.

Witty or Wise: Wise.

"Just as every summer ends, all tourists come home, all dreamers wake up and new problems are born. And just like that, a pretty girl's ugly secret is revealed. But no matter what the new seasons brings, we'll always have Paris."

Another movie reference! The "ugly secret" is in reference to Juliet, because she's getting ready to ruin peoples lives. Hooray.

Witty or Wise: Wise.

Overall: This week, Gossip Girl offered more wisdom than witticism, but she didn't get the best line of the episode. That went to Chuck, who told his confused-on-the-ways-of-travel new girlfriend, "We don't need tickets. I'm Chuck Bass." Indeed you are, sir. Indeed you are.