The Gossip Girl Pun Index: Forget Paris

gg_ep1_225.jpgWelcome back, Upper East Siders! The season premiere of Gossip Girl arrived last night with haute couture, the Eiffel Tower and... well, not much else. It was a quiet kick-off, without much scandal, sass or Chuck Bass. Not even Gossip Girl herself seemed on her game -- though kudos to Kristen Bell for wrapping her tongue around all those heavy French vowels. Voulez-vous puns? To the index!

"We hear Serena's stories sizzle while Blair's are more fizzle. She's shopped at Saint Laurent and dined at Drouant by the only beau B's had this summer is on her headband."

After some introductory pablum about Paris and what everyone on Gossip Girl had been up to for the summer -- to recap: Serena's sleeping with everyone; Blair is not; Dan's a dad; Chuck's missing; Jenny's gone; Vanessa's judging; Nate's sleeping with everyone, too; Georgina's crazy -- Gossip Girl unfurled this beauty, a perfectly put-together pun that truly gets to the heart of the Serena/Blair dichotomy. Applause. Too bad it's all downhill from here.

Puntastic rating: 5 out of 5.

"Spotted: B riding shotgun. Let's see if our royal wannabe has the grace to make it through the night."

Blair got picked up by a handsome stranger, who she thought was a member of some royal family; instead he was the chauffeur for the royal family. Whoops! I wonder if this will turn into some Prince and the Pauper spoof. Nah, probably not. Meanwhile, unless Gossip Girl meant "grace" as in "Grace Kelly," this could have been much better.

Puntastic rating: 1 out of 5.

"Spotted: Georgina Sparks, a stroller and Dan's dad with a scowl. Looks like Lonely Boy has a Baby Boy."

I know "spotted" is Gossip Girl's trademark, but repeating it twice in the same episode shows a lack of care for her craft. Respect the process, GG. Meanwhile, this isn't a pun... it's not really an alliteration... it's just words. A bonus point, however, for referencing Rufus' scowl. It was difficult to see underneath all his fake tanner and moisturizer.

Puntastic rating: 2 out of 5.

"We hear Baccarat just updated its menu. The gateau du jour is now humble pie. Bon apetit, Blair."

Remember that Prince and the Pauper set-up? It paid off! Blair's chauffeur was really the prince, Serena's prince was really the chauffeur and everyone left Baccarat mad at Blair. Shocker. Also: Another "we hear?" I hear snoring in the writers' room. Lazy!

Puntastic rating: 2 out of 5.

"Napoleon once said that secrets travel fast in Paris, but Gossip Girl travels faster. Bisou bisou."

What? No, sorry. If Gossip Girl traveled faster, she would have referenced Chuck's cane-aided arrival in Paris, Georgina leaving town (no!) and Nate's mysterious new girlfriend, played by former Melrose Place troublemaker Katie Cassidy. Looks like someone is still on summer vacation. Better luck next week.

Puntastic rating: 0 out of 5.