Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: 'Stupid Things'
Before last night's middling VMA telecast, MTV snuck in an extra episode of Jersey Shore complete with a big Italian meal, a botched hookup for The Situation and Pauly D, and our first glimpse at a truly crestfallen Vinny. But how fresh-to-death did the guidos remain? Let's take a look at their report card.
A+ in the Theory of Ho Relativity for The Situation: You can be rest assured that whenever the Situation attempts a math metaphor, sparks of genius will spew from your TV and fill your living room with a tan smoke -- even algebra itself needed to be extinguished after last night. When Le Sitch noted that Angelina's hookup with Vinny proved guidettes will go after guidos who shun them and deny guidos who shower them with Fossil watches and big suitcoated hugs, he said, "Angelina has proven the Ho Equation." The Ho Equation. Albert Einstein's drawing that up on the blackboard and adding equal fistpumps on both sides of the formula. To the history books with you, Sorrentino!
A in Haughty Dancefloor Supremacy for Vinny: We've seen too little of Mr. Gaudagnino's riptide dancefloor mania this season. There have been fewer fistpumps, fewer floor-pound rallies, and (my favorite) fewer times where Vinny gets too excited in a club and just screams. Well, we were treated to a revival the size of The Pajama Game last night when Vinny jived it up on the parquee in front of Angelina, who was admitting to Jose that she'd just smushed with Vinny. How to describe Vinny's carefree boogaloo? Picture Snoopy looking at the sky and lightly prancing, perhaps because he is trying to spread joy as the Easter Beagle. That is what Vinny achieved. That is what Angelina had to deal with. The FTD faculty gyrates in approval -- all while sniffing at the kite-eating tree that is Angelina.
A- in Anti-Angelina Activism for Snooki: All it took was a single confessional quip ("Obviously you're loosey-goose, because he got it in"), and Snooki had owned Ms. Pivarnick like a bottle of butt lotion.
B+ in Parsing Uncle Nino for Ronnie: Vinny's Uncle Nino made Jersey Shore's hot tub escapades even more dubious by adding gropey middle-aged fingers to the mix. While he hugged Snooki too hard and copped a feel on the Divine Miss WOWW, Ronnie somehow became the house's prime Nino whisperer. Ronnie figured out Nino's erratic speech patterns and even just called him creepy, a title that the other housemates seemed to shun. Well, Ronnie, this is the first time this season you've impressed me. Good show, Morton Koopa Jr.
B in Guido Heartbreak Management for Vinny: One of the roughest subjects in the Fresh-to-Death Leadership Academy, to be sure. As Vinny melted on the phone while his new club honey stammered and ditched him, the faculty here at FTD wept like sous chefs dicing a gargantuan Vidalia onion. At least Vinny didn't take his anger out on an unsuspecting housemate -- that makes him better than Sammi and Angelina, but you knew that already.
B- in the Ceremonial Wearing of the Sweatpants for Pauly D and The Situation: Pauly and Mike were right to don sweatpants in preparation for their respective club smushes, but they were wrong to attempt said smush with two such aloof ladies -- "aloof" is never a DTF quality. Still, the baggy sweatpants were appropriate, resembling the finest in Shaq comfort-wear.
C+ in Gaudagnino Meal Survival for the Cast of Jersey Shore: The guidos and guidettes let me down by barely surviving Vinny's mother's home-cooked meal. After each course (pasta, peppers, meat, and dessert) the umber tribe needed to -- it pains me to say -- lay down. Excuse me? JWOWW doesn't even lay down after smacking pelvises with a club owner for 145 minutes. How did a plate of spaghetti level her?
C in Shutting Up for Sammi: Almost an entire episode without Sammi! Of course, then she had to come in, sit with Ronnie during dinner, and comment on Vinny's romantic woes. When you're intolerable like Sammi, those two instances alone knock your overall FTD grade to the C range.
C- in Screentime for JWOWW: Definitely needed more of JWOWW last night. You know why she's the best cast member on the show? Because she looks like an incriminating photo negative of Smurfette. And that, somehow, is what Jersey Shore is all about.
D+ in Promotion of Guido/Guidette Equality for The Situation: I admired his math skills earlier, but I also dislike how Le Sitch came down on Angelina for her ho antics after an entire season of allowing Ronnie to get away with his heartless "The Boy is Mine" two-timing. I'm sorry that you. Seem to be confused. Mike.
D in Phone Etiquette for Angelina: The episode started on a weird note for me when Angelina answered the house phone, Vinny's mother said hello on the other line, and Angelina gave her one-word answers and verbal stankness for no reason. Honey, this is the real reason you aren't the show next season. You're rude, but worst of all, you vacillate between self-esteem crises and stuffy put-on self-importance. One of those is definitely more believable than the other.
D- in Commercial Break Conversations with Sway for the Whole Cast: I understand the cast was obligated to hold microphones and chat with Sway on the VMA red carpet, but that doesn't make their badinage with the ancient VJ any less awkward. Can you believe Sway is still on MTV? He is old enough to remember Sir Gaga.
F in Offering Any Sort of Romantic Advice for Ronnie: After that uninterested ho rained on Vinny's smush parade, Ronnie came in and offered pick-me-up advice that I can only paraphrase here: "Just bang another chick. Go out and get smashed. Forget about it." Taking Ronnie's advice is like asking Chris Farley for tips on moderation -- one of the biggest FTD failures in show history. But of course, Vinny saw through Ronnie's van-down-by-the-river legitimacy and came out of this predicament with rationale intact. Phew.