Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: 'Sleeping with the Enemy'
"Sleeping with the Enemy" was an unfortunate title for last night's Jersey Shore, as more inspirational events occurred than Vinny's getdown with the Staten Island Hyena (or whatever we're supposed to call her now). Still, it won't deter a little bit of grade-giving in all of your favorite fresh-to-death subjects, ranging from "Herpes Evasion" to "Anti-Angelina Activism." Join us for the grade sheet.
A+ in Smush Sterilization for JWOWW and Snooki: Jersey Shore's leading epistolary artists joined forces again last night, but not to write cautionary letters to humorless pumpkin-colored androids named Sammi. This time, they cleaned the house's designated "smush room," donning plastic hazmat suits and shrieking whenever a new stain appeared. To be fair, the amount of DTF DNA in the vicinity was paralyzing, and I expected no less than Karen Silkwood's craftsmanship from both parties. Entire blocks of Pauly's hair were stuffed under that bed.
A in Racial Studies for Snooki: After Snooki named some of her life goals -- bungee jumping, skydiving, meeting a 25-foot juicehead, smushing in a jacuzzi that turns into a speedboat, etc. -- JWOWW decried her thrill-seeking ways as "White People Syndrome." Snookjourner Truth had something to say about that: "I'm not white. I'm tan." Sure, that sounds like something a sad protagonist would say in the Guido version of The Bluest Eye, but for Snooki, I still consider it a proud declaration. She gets a tan diploma.
A- in Horsey Boxing for JWOWW and Sammi: Sure, the house of nogoodniks had plenty of great moments last night, but the best part of the episode occurred at the top of the hour when JWOWW and Sammi enjoyed a form of equine boxing that involved punches, whinnying, slapping, and galloping onto each others' shoulders. If the crazed stallion from The Ring tried killing itself in a mirror, it would look something like this fight. Vinny threw some sugarcubes down JWOWW's top to make it interesting, Sammi pretended afterward that she floated like a butterfly and stung like a beeyotch, but JWOWW was no Michael Spinks -- she held her own and knocked down that tepid appaloosa at least once.
B+ in Herpes Evasion for Pauly and the Situation: Yikes. When Pauly D and The Situation laid eyes upon their potential smushssociate's herpes, they handled the matter deftly by SPRINTING OUT OF THERE. That blemish was fresh-to-death in the worst way possible. Congrats to our trusty Koopalings on their B+ fire drill skills.
B in G.I.I. Efficiency for Snooki: What's G.I.I., you ask? Why, "Get It In," of course. When Snooki snagged a palatable gorilla at the club and brought him home, she dissuaded him from making tacos in the kitchen (what an idiot) and instead whispered to him that she had already prepared a taco for him, it's in the bedroom, and won't you come right this way to enjoy it all night. The ladies of Jersey Shore are owed their three-letter credos, and GII trumped GTL in a big way last night. Also: "Get It In" rules anyway. There should be a TNT crime drama spinoff called Gettin' It In with JWOWW and Tyne Daly.
B- in Lotion-to-Lumps Application for Snooki: When Snooki applied lotion to her ass before hitting the town, she may have been practical, but she wasn't very emphatic. In fact, when the cameras spotted her in the act, she looked downright embarrassed. As one Mr. James Lipton says every week on Inside the Actor's Studio, "Self-consciousness is the actor's worst enemy." Snooki, we know you're a method Guidette; don't let us down when we all know you're the Helen Hayes of Seaside Heights.
C+ in High School Kindergarten Prehistoric Sh*t for the Situation: His words, not mine. Because I have no rubric for "High School Kindergarten Prehistoric Sh*t," and because the Situation made up the term in a confessional without thinking about how confounding and puzzling it was, I have no choice but to give him passing marks in the subject. What was he talking about, anyway? Vinny and Angelina? Ronnie and Sammi? The human condition?
C in Detective Skills for Ronnie: Once again, Baker Street regular Ronnie put some clues together and deduced that Snooki and JWOWW wrote the letter to Sammi. Elementary, juicehead! "Jenni's not talking to me, Snooki's not talking to me. What am I, f*cking stupid?" Oh, of course you are. But you're enough of a gumshoe to win a guest spot on Terriers. Keep it up, Ron Ron.
C- in Anti-Angelina Activism for Vinny: Vinny was a disappointment this episode, occupying most of his (and our) time with a bitchy smear campaign against Angelina. Vinny, there's not a person alive who enjoys Angelina. Your quest for justice was vindicated long ago -- in episode two of season one, to be accurate. But we got some key soundbites from Vincenzo throughout the hour, as he declared Angelina "the Staten Island dump" and "more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island" (which does mean Vinny watches Keeping Up With the Kardashians). This, of course, was offset by his later makeout session with Angelina, the one where the boys of MVP took notice and commented, "Vinny, Angelina's wide, bro," and "She's the Staten Island Ferry, dog." But neither abject hatred nor barfy makeouts are the correct way to handle Angelina. Vinny only got it right once when he addressed Angelina's cackling idiocy with a simple "Please." That's A+ behavior, Vin! But you ruined it with all this... high school kindergarten prehistoric sh*t. Damn, Sitch! Maybe I need to promote you to provost.
D+ in Fossil Watch Promotion for Angelina (and the whole cast): So, you want a Fossil Watch now? Let's tally up what we learned about them this episode from the hooting and hair-raising Ms. Pivarnick and her disinterested roomies: They're nice. You buy them for a girl when you want to get laid (particularly if you're a curiously old looking "kid" named Jose who drops by your gelato shop wearing a suit). They can tell the time. They're $39.99. If you buy one for a girl, you're a "pro" -- or so Ronnie sniffed. In summary: Fossil watches can be purchased at the mall. Kind of like Angelina herself.
D in Handling the Sanctity of the Word "Situation" for Sammi: Sammi bemoaned her issues with Ronnie to the Situation's sister, claiming, "It's, like, been a rough situation." What is the matter with this girl? Can she please pick a word without such exotic, swarthy, GTL-compromising implications?
D- in Study Abroad for Snooki: Where did Snooki "study abroad," you ask? Well, when she invited that hideous giraffe guido into the house, she was signing us all up for a semester in Grenade-a. Some of us gladly do not have a passport.
F in Accomplishments of Any Kind for Sammi: God, I'm over Sammi. So much. I was peeved enough when she pretended to win the horse duel with JWOWW, but then she went back to stargazing at Ronnie and professing, "I'm like, in love with you. You were there for me last night. Thank you." He was also "there" last night for hos at the club, a bartender with a raccoon hat, a bouncer with a rat tail, and a valet with a stanky leg. But of course, Sammi knows he's a cheater. She's been told. She just sucks, is the main issue. This calls for another anonymous letter, one from the whole house, that's delivered in person and with the signature, "You failed. Love, the Fresh-to-Death Board of Directors."