Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: 'Not So Shore'

'Not So Shore' was seriously the name of last night's Jersey Shore episode. I'm not so shore I can refrain from slapping someone. Nevertheless, the guidos and guidettes offered catchphrases, hookups, tranny-spotting prowess, and even a little impotence (ahem, Situation) last night, and it's time again to decide who makes the grade.

A+ in Poetry for Snooki: Ladies and gents, I know why the caged bird sings: It's because Snooki is the master of poetic similes. When describing Vinny's Vinitalia (after they HoOkEd uP!!), Snooki unleashed the following descriptor: "It's like fitting a watermelon through a pinhole." Delectable! Who wouldn't want a few rounds of "free verse" with Vinny after that?

A in Tranny Tracking for DJ Pauly D: As the Situation groped on a rather taut blonde specimen at a club, DJ Pauly D noted, "I think she's wearing something to hide her Adam's Apple." Sleuth! The Situation had a real situation on his hands, and that situation was... balls. Pauly D, you may take off your deerstalker cap with pride tonight.

A- in Abbreviation Coining for Vinny: Vinny wisely lets wordsmiths like Pauly D and The Situation handle the major household abbreviations (GTL, DTF, FTD, etc.), but added an adorable new one to the lexicon, and I'm glad he did. He declared himself "DTS" with Snooki -- Down to Snuggle. CuTe!!! <3 In fact, I think we have a hip new fabric softener slogan on our hands.

B+ in Making a Tough Love Situation for The Situation: In his own inimitable way, The Situation gave us the most truthful moment this episode when he looked that snarling preteen Sammi in the face and said, "[Ronnie] f*cked up hardcore and made you look f*cking stupid." Nearly lyrical, those words. Sammi still didn't get the hint, but at least The Situation got his moment to seem like a slightly intuitive version of his umber humanoid self.

B in Weights and Measures for Snooki: At the store, Snooki had a question for the rest of the class, ""How f*cking much is a quart?" You know what? I don't really know either. You pass.

B- in Seduction for Vinny: When attempting to smush with Schnooks, our man Vinny (and his prized calligraphic eyebrows) spooned her and whispered the now-immortal come-on, "Take off your panties." Just like Bogart. He may have been direct, but it worked -- Schnookers served up her California Raisin physique for a night with the often smush-deprived Vincenzo. I've got tears in my eyes that are collecting like rain puddles in my eyebrows!

C+ in Visibility for Pauly D: Where the hell were you this episode, Pauly? You're allowed one off week. And it's this one. And I never want to endure this pain again.

C in Abject Stupidity for Ronnie: At episode's end, JWOWW and Sammi began to spar over who gave her the note about Ronnie's duplicity, and Ronnie tried to defend himself by declaring, "I was single." Ronnie, clearly no one cares what you have to say unless you're sitting with Julissa during the Jersey Shore After Party confessing your sins like a hyperventilating altar boy.

C- in Swimsuit Insanity for JWOWW: Mademoiselle WOWW erred on the demure side with her bikini last night: a black top and bottom with pink frosting streaks on the cups. Uh, what's next, a snowsuit? If Jenni was supposed to be this modest, her nickname would be JLADYLIKE or JMANNERZZ.

D+ in Making Sense for The Situation: I give you the quote of the evening, compliments of Le Sitch. "I'll be flipping pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face." I'd give you context, but that would confuse you more. Just let it be known: While you deliver uppercuts to your own visage, The Situation will bobble hotcakes. That's just facts.

D in Being Angelina for Angelina: We're on episode five, and Angelina is still spouting this garbage: "I felt like you all would walk by me like I was invisible!" Ugh, even Sammi can truthfully declare she's "done with" that nonsense.

D- in DTF Protocol for The Situation: First, get a load of the Situation's excuse for not scoring with the blonde stack of boobs he took home: "I'm not ready to perform right now. I'm a Ferrari. I'm high-maintenance." That's the single most un-Jersey Shore sentiment ever uttered on the show -- besides "Angelina isn't so bad," of course.

F in Handling a Loser Gorilla for Sammi: Ronnie victimized Sammi. He two-timed and ruined her, and he did both proudly -- I believe we all saw that. But then why is Sammi serving up woe-is-meisms like, "This is embarrassing. I look like an idiot and a fool" and "He lies to my face. I'm done. I'm done with it." just before talking to Ronnie about it. Sammi! I know we have nothing in common and I'd smirk like a Christine Baranski character if I ever had to hang out with you, but level with me here: Why are you still talking to him? For chrissakes, the Situation is more right than you are. Oh well. The consequences will rain down like so many JWOWW jabs to the face. Can't wait for next week.