Warehouse 13's Relic Roundup: It's a Backstory Bonanza!
It was one infodump after another on last night's Warehouse 13, as Artie, H.G. Wells and Todd from the hardware store fleshed out their backstories. Why was Artie charged with treason? Why was H.G. Wells bronzed? And why does Todd always mope around like a kicked puppy with a speech impediment? (Mumbler!) Oh, there were answers -- via a few emotionally charged monologues mingled with pleas for forgiveness. And there was also a surprising number of artifacts as torture devices, which were put to the test on our heroes. More painful than having to sit through their long, revelatory speeches? Let's get to the roundup!
Artifact: Torquemada's chain
Specifications: All the power of a Spanish Inquisition torture rack in one easy-to-manipulate chain. Prolonged use, however, depletes the wielder's humanity. This was among the artifacts Artie traded to his Soviet Union contact in exchange for the release of political prisoners -- a transaction that landed him with treason charges that were swiftly dispelled by Mrs. Frederic in exchange for Artie's warehouse servitude. And now, we know. Thank you, infodump!
Covetability: Low. Though it does have the functionality of any old chain, it'd be a shame to slip up and dislocate every joint in another person's body, which nearly happens when Artie gets strung up and tortured by an unimportant adversary. Luckily, H.G. Wells arrives just in time to be nearly frozen to death by...
Artifact: A chunk of the Titanic
Specifications: Blow across this plank of steamship and your opponent will slowly freeze to death. Fortunately for H.G., freezing can be reversed by clutching the artifact tightly.
Covetability: Medium. I'm just glad that, post near-death experience and admitting she had herself bronzed so she could fast-forward through time and perhaps save her murdered child, H.G. has been vetted by the Regents and made a warehouse agent. Anything that precipitates the friendlies between H.G. and Myka is a winner in my book.
Artifact: Charles II's croquet balls
Specifications: "Imbued with the fury of a king," explains Artie. You strike one against another and the transfer of inertia will cause one to ricochet endlessly.
Covetability: Low. Why was everything so dangerous in this episode?! Aside from nearly beheading Pete, this was a virtually meritless artifact.
Oh, and Todd, Claudia's hardware store squeeze, returns long enough to explain, as he and Claudia circle each other win gun/Tesla drawn, that he's in witness protection and he actually has to relocate. Everyone frowns for a second before remembering they liked Fargo better. Or at least I did. Chime in with your opinions below!