Scoring the Real Housewives of New Jersey Throwdown: Ripped Weaves, Broken Heels and All

Usually Movieline recaps the Real Housewives of New Jersey by scavenging each episode for the purest moment of the night as well as the moment so toxically fake that even Andy Cohen cannot watch without donning full haz-mat gear first. But in Monday's episode, appropriately titled "Country Clubbing," the ladies of New Jersey found themselves in such an over-the-top brawl (police, weave-pulling, and an in-the-arms Bodyguard rescue) that I had no choice but to replay the footage, score each broken heel, tally each bungled acrylic and determine which housewife caused the most damage.

· "Is b*tch better?" -- After Danielle tells Teresa not to call her honey, Teresa hits back with this insult. (Teresa: +1)

· "You're a ho' bag." -- Teresa shouts at Danielle. (Teresa: +1)

· "I'm from Paterson, b*tch. Don't you forget it." -- Apparently, coming from Paterson gives housewives instant street cred? This line was confusing, but when paired with an "oh no you didn't" finger wag, came off as threatening. (Teresa: +1)

· "I live in a $5 million dollar house, b*tch." -- Money makes your argument stronger. (Teresa: +1)

· "Your house is in foreclosure!" -- Record scratch. For the first time this season, a cast member (Danielle) acknowledged the $11 million dollar elephant in the series. (Danielle: +5)

· "Danielle, I read your court records!" -- Jacqueline enters the fight, bringing up Danielle's shady criminal record as Danielle is herded out of the Brownstone by her ineffective security team. (Jacqueline: +1)

· "You beat somebody with a 9mm pistol." -- Jacqueline recites Danielle's rap sheet from memory. (Jacqueline: +1)

· Danielle's heel breaks as she tries to run out of the country club, slowing her escape. (Danielle's heel: +1)

· "You're a f*cking coke whore!" -- Teresa screams after Danielle's limping frame. (Teresa: +1)

· Finally outside, Danielle cowers in a corner and demands, "Get me out of here! I'm going to pass out." to her completely useless bodyguard. (Danielle: -1)

· Danielle claims that she cannot scurry to the car across the parking lot because her heels are broken. Apparently, she never considered taking off her shoes. (Danielle: -2)

· "Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!" Frustrated, Kim G. tries to smack some sense into Danielle, who is sitting in a pile of broken heels and fake tears. (Kim G: +1)

· Ashley, Jacqueline's 18-year-old daughter, breaks out from the crowd and rips the weave from Danielle's head as a bodyguard and a driver try to wrestle the unhinged housewife to the car. (Ashley: +10)

· "Love and light! Stay in the positive, b*tch!" -- Ashley's last words as her mother shoves her back into the country club. (Ashley: +2)

MIDWAY POINT: Ashley leads with 12. Teresa follows with 5. Danielle and Jacqueline tie with 2. At the back of the pack, Kim G. and Danielle's free-willed heel follow with 1 each.

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