The 9 Best Lines From Harry Knowles's Highly Sexualized Review of Eclipse
Confession time: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? It's...kinda fun. No, really. I mean, it's corny as all get out, but it's just a big dumb ball of well-directed, wink-wink romance -- why, just ask Harry Knowles! The Ain't It Cool News webmaster published his review of the film today, and it's a borderline giddy, possibly intoxicated missive that really get to the heart (and genitals) of the matter. Here are the 9 best passages:
· "If I ever found myself in that tent in a blowing cold mountain top on what could very well have been the last night of my life? And if I were a Teenage Girl.... I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking!"
· "There wasn't a girl in my theater tonight that wasn't wondering if the diamond sprinkled vampire skin would be more like the pyrex dildo or the cyberskin one?"
· "And the team Jacob girls [fantasizing about sex] with the German Shepard.... mmhmmm, you know it."
· "[Bella's father is] kinda freaking out, because he doesn't know how to act about it, because he looks at Robert Pattinson's Edward and he can't imagine the teenage girl in him f**king that."
· "Bella is putting out f**k me pheromones like a bitch in heat - and Jacob's doggy sensitive nose can not stay out of her crack. He might be 'talking' about her 'heartbeat stopping,' but what he really wants is that hymen. HE KNOWS IT!"
· "Just look at [Jacob's] pert always hard boy nipples? They're just so amazingly in focus. They're just asking to be nuzzled at the very least."
· "This is absolutely better than WOLVERINE was... a bit gayer, but ya know... there's some cool f**king action, way cuter girls... well, way cuter guys too, if that like makes you questionable curious or not, might be up to your on threshold for thinking about wonder what it'd be like..."
· "I can go home, tell my wife I'd totally do '______' with you... And I'll get laid tonight. Seriously, that's the kind of f**king date you have tonight."
· "The future of your dick is on the line here. GO and it will be yours."
Harry says that ECLIPSE is the first fully complete film of the TWILIGHT series... well, almost. [AICN]
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Comments
i just threw up in my mouth.
I'm sure he'll be reinacting scenes from the movie at this weekends' renaissance fair
I just threw my penis into a camp fire.
Must. Bleach. Mind.
“I can go home, tell my wife I’d totally do ‘______’ with you… And I’ll get laid tonight."
Good to know his wife is as immature and emotionally stunted as he is.
Just like an eclipse, Harry Knowles having sex is something that will burn your retinas if you look at it.
It's good to see the star of Disney's Adventures of Gummi Bears found work as a movie review once his show was cancelled.
And Kristen Stewart felt like she was being "raped" before this was published? Just wait.
I'm certain those events occur with equal infrequency.
Oh, Lord love a duck...BWAHAHA!!!
The secret here is the phrase, "possibly intoxicated missive" applies to just about everything Knowles writes.
Sure his comments may be childish and immature but come on... have you seen these terrible pieces of shite? What are they if not masturbation fodder for every teenager that still believes super hot immortals, alive for hundreds of years, would willingly go back to high school.
Yeah dude!
I can never un-read that.
Hilarious. I hope this guy writes books. Got to look him up.
Derrick Deane
I took an instant disliking to Mr. Knowles when, in his review for Good Will Hunting, he compared himself to Matt Damon's character. Specifically saying that his love of movies and running of a tiny (at the time) website was on par with Damon's mathematical genius.
The only reason his website was ever relevant was because he is the poster child for every negative connotation that people think of when they think "geek". Morbidly obese, slothful creatures who dwell in their parents basements. Sex-obsessed-but-never-havin' neckbeard-wearing manchildren who fixate and fetishize fantasy worlds while simultaneously ripping them apart. Social inepts meganerds with no sense of fashion or style who can't speak to a women in person but will spend all day and night white knighting anonymous strangers who might someday have the sibears with them.
Harry Knowles' existence is like The Comic Book Guy springing from the head of the cultural zeitgest - fully grown and armed, shouting...probably something about how Blade II is like eating chocolate pussy juice.
Disturbing.
No wonder Kristen Stewart looks like a deer in the headlights all the time: some mean person probably quoted her from this type of review.
And I could live with most of that if it weren't for the fact that his writing is atrocious.
Have you heard the story about the time he peed the seat at one of our local theaters? He peed and left and no one was the wiser until someone else took the sopping, smelly seat.
I felt like I was raped.
This is the most hateful misogynistic bile I've read so far about Twilight. Just because this is a female driven franchise unlike the rest of the juvenile franchises i.e. Batman, what gives you the right to write this crap. I went to journalism school and they never taught us to write any review like this.
Did he write a review like this for Avatar with the tails and the spiny thing wrapping around tree branches? Where's the sexually explicit review of Harry Potter? I'm sure there's a gay reference between Snape and Harry somewhere Or Harry and Ron.
This is only written because of pur jealously. Men and in particularly ugly men have not got a grip regarding this franchise. What this idiot wrote isn't satire or even a serious journalistic take. This review felt like I was being raped!! It's disgusting and should be taken down.
This just proves the hate and jealousy of this franschise by fanboys is at an all time high. The ignorance. The hate towards females. The sexual attacks is just...there are no words. An apology should be written by the blogger for putting this crap on the internet. An apology to Stephenie Meyer, Kristen Stewart and all the fans of Twilight which includes both men and women including his girlfriend. This is just plain wrong, disrespectful and needs to be addressed. Misogyny in full bloom. How does it feel to rape women with words so vile?