7 James Cameron Characters Who Could Fix the BP Oil Spill Overnight

Everybody's talking about this week's meeting between James Cameron and a frazzled coterie of scientists and government officials, the latest in a series of discussions to do something, anything to end BP's Deepwater Horizon oil spill that's ravaged the Gulf of Mexico for more than a month. While some cultural observers take Cameron's significant underwater-exploration experience more seriously than others, I think the filmmaker has a much more valuable asset worth considering: The toughest, craziest and most all-around resilient character base of any mainstream director working today. Any mind capable of developing such bad-asses is surely one worth turning loose in the gulf. But who among that wide canon might be the best man (or woman) for the treacherous job? Movieline has some suggestions.

[In order of appearance]

· Kyle Reese, The Terminator: I mean, Sarah Connor was tough as friggin' nails, but let's face it: In an instance where foresight and apparent cover-ups might have made all the difference in preventing the disaster, 10 times out of 10 I'll take the guy who can time-travel.

· Pvt. Hudson, Aliens: Ellen Ripley is probably the more obvious choice from the Aliens series, but technically she predates Cameron's involvement by seven years. That leaves Bill Paxton's trigger-fingered, foulmouthed joker to do pretty much what he did with corporate sleazeball Carter Burke (Paul Reiser): Sit jackass BP CEO Tony Hayward down with a rifle in his face, and see what threatening to "grease this rat-f*** son-of-a-bitch right now" might accomplish. I'm guessing it would help quite a bit!

· Sexy Cowgirl, "Reach" by Martini Ranch: Could probably stop the gusher with one of those piercing stares of hers. Failing that, she's great with a lasso; maybe she could just tie the sucker off from 6,000 feet.

cameron_abyss.jpg· Virgil "Bud" Brigman, The Abyss: Probably the most obvious choice, if only because he's the most qualified. Bud's descent to even greater depths than these was aided by pure grit, duty, love -- and a helmet full of amniotic fluid. The government can laud Cameron's camera and robotic advances all it wants, but if there's one question I can guarantee was asked in this closed-door meeting, it was: "Jim. Babe. Fetus suit. Can you do it?"

· Jack Dawson, Titanic: Here's a guy who knows from maritime clusterf***s, and he's been idling down in the seabed for, like, 100 years looking for something to do. He could probably be in the Gulf in no time. Additionally, his artistic aplomb has it all over that crappy robot hanging around next to the oil plume. One catch, though: His selfless triumph tends to yield the unfortunate side-effect of Celine Dion music at every turn for months or years to come. Sure, we're polluted enough, but I can stand it if you can.

· Steerage Dancer, Titanic: A walk-on part played by Cameron himself. Enough said.

· Colonel Miles Quaritch, Avatar: There's a clear argument to be made that Avatar's alpha-alpha-male colonialist might strive to wipe out the filthy hippies and liberals who've latched on to the spill as a cue to curb offshore drilling. While that's probably true, an even likelier scenario has Quaritch seething with rage as his once-robust BP shares plunge to near-worthlessness. An unprecedented environmental crisis is one thing, but the destabilization of an international energy giant? This guy wiped out Hometree in the name of natural resources! And of course this is nothing a mile-deep skin-dive can't solve anyway. Get out of the way.



Comments

  • Dimo says:

    Tom Arnold. Sure, he seems useless, but he did save True Lies all by himself.

  • Let's face it, it's the only way he's gonna get the sequel he wants.

  • The Winchester says:

    What about Billy Zane in the sinking boat picture? His mustache alone could clean the oil on the coastline.

  • Jesus Christ says:

    HELLO ALL MY FELLOW AMERICANS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR MOMENT OF TIME TO REVIEW THESE TRUTHS. ARE YOU AS SICK OF EVIL CORRUPTIONS AND FRAUD AS WE ARE? THE MASKING OF VERY SERIOUS CATASTROPHE WITH FRIVOLOUS, TRIVIA AS THIS ARTICLE DOES WITH THESE HOLLYWOOD ACTORS. NOW, HOW ABOUT A REAL PERMANENT FIX OF THE OIL LEAK RATHER THAN A BUNCH OF HOLLYWOOD FICTION. WE WANT THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THE PUBLIC AND PRIVATE OFFICIALS WHO RE-STARTED OFF-SHORE UNDER WATER OIL DRILLING DURING THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION. WE WANT MR. BUSH AND HALI-BURTON AND THEIR MANY ACCESSORIES AND ACCOMPLICES ALL PROSECUTED FOR THEIR DOMESTIC AND INTERNATIONAL HUMAN RIGHTS VIOL;ATIONS AND WAR CRIMES AND FOR THEIR ENVIRONMENTAL CRIMES. WE WANT A CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THE GOVERNMENT AND THE CHURCH OFFICIALS, AND CORPORATE AND INDIVIDUAL MEMBERS OF THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS AND PRIVATE COMPANIES AND ALL THE MEDIA OFFICIALS WHO IMPLODED THE WORLD TRADE CENTER IN NEW YORK CITY, NY, ON
    9-11-01. WE WANT THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THOSE WHO BLEW THE TRADE CENTER TO TRANSFIX PUBLIC MEDIA ATTENTION FROM THEIR OWN TREASON AND MURDER AND THE CHARGES FILED AGAINST THEM IN THEIR CAPACITIES AS BOTH PUBLIC AND PRIVATE OFFICIALS AND AS INDIVIDUAL PERSONS AS WERE FILED BETWEEN 1989 AND 2001: THESE PEOPLE WHO WERE PROVEN TO BEEN ILLEGALLY SEX MURDERING THE FIRST TO BE BORN CHILD OF COLLEGE EDUCATED, 35 YEAR OLD MEN, IN THE USA AND STEALING THEIR CHILDS REMAINS TO FEED TO THEIR PRECIOUS SICK HOMOSEXUALS AND ELDERLY: MANY THESE CRIMINALS WERE ALSO PROVEN TO HAVE BEEN COMMITTING TREASON BY BRINGING IN TENS OF MILLIONS FOREIGNERS FROM OTHER NATIONS AS FOREIGN REPLACEMENTS OF OUR MURDERED CHILDREN. WE WANT A CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THOSE PROSECUTORS, JUDGES AND LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS WHO OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE AND WHO PREVENTED THE EXPOSURE AND PROSECUTION OF THESE OFFICIALS AND ENTITIES. WE WANT A CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THE GEVERNMENT, CHURCH AND PRIVATE OFFICIALS AND ENTITIES WHO HAVE STAGED A "PRO-LIFE" VS "PRO-CHOICE" DEBATE AS SMOKE AND MIRRORS AND TO PREVENT THEIR PROSECUTIONS AND USED BY THEM TO MASK THEIR ILLEGAL WAR CRIMES AGAINST AMERICAN MEN AND WOMEN: THEY ILLEGALLY AND FORCIBLY PENETRATED AND INTRUDED AND BY ILLEGAL FORCE DEPRIVED OF OUR INALIENABLE NATURAL RIGHT TO AGREE TO MARRY AND FAMILY PLAN AND TO HAVE 2 OR 3 CHILDREN BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE, LEGAL OR IN COMMON LAW. WE WANT THE PROSECUTIONS OF PROSECUTORS, JUDGES AND MEDIA OFFICIALS WHO LIED TO US THAT STATEMENTS SUCH AS "YOU ARE RIGHT", "BUT WE CHANGED THAT", "IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN", "WE DID THAT SO YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER ONE {CHILD}" "WE WERE TRYING TO HELP" AND MANY OTHER SUCH INVALID EXCUSES TO BE VALID AUTHENTIC DEFENSES OF LEGAL EFFECT TO STOP AND PREVENT THEIR PROSECUTIONS UNDER THE FEDERAL AND STATE CRIMINAL CODES. WE WANT PROSECUTION OF MR. CLINTON FOR BRINGING THE POPE TO THE USA WHO SAID THERE IS ROOM FOR THE WHOLE WORLD HERE IN THE SOUTHWEST QUADRANT OF THE USA AND FOR ALL THEM TO HAVE UNLIMITED NUMBER OF THEIR CATHOLIC CHILDREN, WHILE OUR CHILDREN BE SEX MURDERED AND EATEN: WHILE OUR OWN AMERICAN MEN HAVE BEEN FRAMED WITH INSANITY, SEX OFFENSES, AND OPPRESSED, TORTURED AND ROBBED BY DOMESTIC LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS, PROSECUTORS, POLITICIANS, JUDGES, MEDIA, MEDICAL, RELIGIOUS LEADERS AND OTHER PUBLIC AND PRIVATE OFFICIALS AND ENTITIES WHO KIDNAPPED, MURDERED AND ATE OUR CHILDREN AND WHO THEN INVITED IN THE WHOLE WORLD TO REPLACE THEM. WE DON'T BELIEVE THERE IS ROOM FOR THE WHOLE WORLD HERE IN THE US AND AT THE SAME TIME WE DO NOT APPROVE OF RACIAL OR ETHNIC PREJUDICE OR THE ETHNIC CLEANSING THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION WAS BIPARTISAN INVOLVED IN. WE WANT THE CATHOLIC PRIEST WHO EXCOMMUNICATED THE NUN FOR APPROVING ABORTION TO SAVE THE LIFE OF THE MOTHER FORCIBLY EXTRICATED BACK TO ROME, ITALY AND BANNED FROM THE UNITED STATES PERMANENTLY. PAST CRIMINAL CHARGES WHICH WERE ILLEGALLY CENSORED BY THE GOVERNMENT, THE JEWISH RABBIS, AND THE PROTESTANT AND CATHOLIC CHRISTIAN CHURCHES AND THE MEDIA, APPERTAINED TO ILLEGALLY FORCED ABORTIONS AND ILLEGALLY FORCED STERILIZATIONS OF MANY AMERICAN WOMEN AND THE PUBLIC SOCIAL CASTRATION OF MANY MEN, CITIZENS' OF THE USA WHO INDIVIDUALLY AND TOGETHER HAD LESS THAN THREE OR NO CHILDREN, BETWEEN THE YEARS 1972 AND 1992. WE WANT AN OFFICAL AND PUBLIC REVIEW OF MR. CLINTON AND THOSE INVOLVED IN PROVIDING NUCLEAR POWER TO IRAN. WE WANT ME. CLINTON'S PROSECUTION FOR HIS CRIMINAL OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE TO PREVENT THE EXPOSURE AND PROSECUTION OF THESE CRIMINALS SOUGHT FOR JUSTICE FOR ALL THEIR CRIMINAL ACTS, AS HE DID IN 1992. IF MR. CLINTON HAD PERFORMED HIS SWORN DUTY AND HAD THEM PROSECUTED THEN THEY COULD NOT HAVE SET HIM UP AND IMPEACHED HIM FOR A BLOW JOB. WE DEMAND BOTH OUR CIVIL COMPENSATION AND CIMINAL RESTITUTION WE ARE GUARANTEED UNDER THE US FEDERAL AND STATE CRIMINAL AND CIVIL CODES: AND WE WANT IT NOW! WE WANT A CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THE OFFICIALS WHO FALSIFIED NUCLEAR ARMS FOR ATTACK ON IRAQ. WE WANT CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF TED KOPPEL AND AFFILIATES, COLIN POWELL AND ALL HIS ACCESSORIES AND ACCOMPLICES AND CONDOLEESA RICE, TONY BLAIR AND ALL THE OTHERS WHO PERPETRATED CRIMINAL FRAUD ON OUR PEOPLE AND SET ALL THESE EVIL WAR FORCES INTO MOTION, WHICH HAVE CAUSED SUCH HARMS AND DAMAGES UPON US: WHICH HAVE CAUSED ATTACKS UPON OUR PEOPLE AND UPON OUR COUNTRY. WE WANT THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN PROVIDING ARMS AND WAR VEHICLES {HUMMERS, ARMED PERSONNEL CARRIERS AND OTHER MACHINES} TO OTHER COUNTRIES. WE WANT THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THE PUBLIC AND PRIVATE OFFICIALS AND ENTITIES WHO CAUSED THE KILLING AND MAIMING OF MANY OF OUR YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN IN MILITARY AND RELATED SERVICE AND WHO CAUSED THESE MANY RETALIATORY ATTACKS WHICH ARE NOW OCCURRING TO OUR CITIZENS WHEN TRAVELING WORLD WIDE AND ATTACKS ON OUR HOMELAND: SUCH AS THE; CALIFORNIA FIRES, THE EXPLOSION OF OIL REFINERIES IN TEXAS AND MANY OTHER INCIDENTS AND NOW THE EXPLOSION OF THE OIL RIG IN THE GULF OF MEXICO WHICH IS NOW THREATENING TO KILL ALL THE AQUATIC FISH AND PLANT LIFE AND THE BIRDS, MARSHES AND SHORES OF OUR COUNTRIES BEACHES, NOW THREATENING THE TOTAL LOSS OF ONE OF OUR COUNTRIES MOST VITAL FOOD SOURCES. WE WANT THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF US AND STATE OFFICIALS WHO HAVE SECRETLY AUTHORIZED OWNERS AND OPERATORS OF PRIVATE AND STOCK HELD COMPANIES SUCH AS MERITIME EXPORTING AND GENCO SHIPPING AND TRADING COMPANY AND MANY OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN SELLING MUCH OF OUR COUNTRIES NON-RENEWABLE COAL, IRON ORE AND OTHER NATURAL RESOURCES TO CHINA AND MANY OTHER COUNTRIES: AND WE SEEK THE PROSECUTION OF THEIR OFFICERS, OWNERS AND OPERATORS AND THOSE OFFICIALS IN THE US AND STATE GOVERNMENT WHO SECRETLY AUTHORIZED THIS ILLEGAL THEFT OF OUR NATURAL RESOURCES. WE WANT CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF ALL THE MINISTERS, RABBIS, PRIESTS, POITICAL, LAW AND MEDIA OFFICIALS AND OTHERS WHO CAUSED: BY FALSE; TEACHING AND FALSE PREACHING, THE ATTACKS ON FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND PEOPLES AND WHO SUPPORTED ALL THESE DOMESTIC AND INTERNATIONAL WAR CRIMES PERPETRATED BY OFFICIALS AND WHO MISREPRESENTED THEM TO BE AS ACCEPTABLE TO CHRISTIAN AND OTHER FAITHS, AND AS LAWFUL BY OUR USA OR INTERNATIONAL; SECULAR STATUTES AND CONSTITUTIONS. THE INFORMATION AND DOCTRINE THEY HAVE BEEN TEACHING US AND OUR CHILDREN IS ENTIRELY FALSE AS A MATTER OF FACT. IF THIS BE EXAMPLE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A "JUDAIC CHRISTIAN NATION" WE DON'T WANT IT. WE WANT THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THOSE WHO ILLEGALLY AND FELONIOUSLY COMMITTED TREASON AND EXPLOIT OF OUR CULTURE, LAW AND TRADITION AND WHO AUTHORIZED CRIMINAL FRAUD BY WOMEN TO MAKE FALSE VOWS OF MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN TO MEN AS MEANS TO STEAL AMERICAN MENS' TIME, ENERGY, WORK, EMOTION, MONEY AND PROPERTY AND WHO SEX MURDERED MILLIONS OF AMERICAN CITIZENS CHILDREN. WE WANT CRIMINAL PROSECUTION OF THOSE PERSONS AND ENTITIES WHO THEN CONSPIRED OR JOINED CONSPIRCY {TO AVOID THEIR PUBLIC EXPOSURES AND PROSECUTIONS} WHO USED THE STRATEGY OF "CREATING AN ENEMY" {THE ISLAMIC PEOPLE WHO HAD DONE NOTHING TO US}, WHO THEN EMPLOYED THE THE WWII NAZI REICHSTAG TACTIC OF IMPLODING THE NY WORLD TRADE CENTER AND FALSELY BLAMING THE ISLAMICS THEY WANTED TO "DEMONIZE", "ATTACK" AND "ROB", TO AVOID ALL OF THEIR OWN "JUST HANGINGS". WE ASK ALL OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO OVERCOME THE PAGAN AND HIPPOCRITICAL RELIGOUS FINATICISM WHICH IN THE HIDDEN HANDS OF SATAN HAS GRIPPED OUR COUNTRY AND OUR PEOPLE AND TO RESTORE SANITY AND MEANINGFUL CAUSE AND PURPOSE AND TRUTH AND JUSTICE AS "ONE NATION UNDER GOD": WITH FULL UNDERSTANDING THAT BECAUSE ONE BE ONE OF "THE CHOSEN PEOPLE" "A JEW" OR A CHRISTIAN" THAT THEY ARE NOT LICENSED TO GROUNDLESSLY, UNJUSTLY AND UNWARRANTEDLY BUTCHER, TORTURE AND KILL FOREIGN OR DOMESTIC, MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN, AND STEAL OUR RESOURCES AND DESTROY OUR ENVIRONMENT FOR THEIR OWN PROFITS AND GAIN. WE ALL, AS A GREAT PEOPLE DEMAND THE CRIMINAL PROSECUTIONS OF THESE VIOLENT, EVIL, COWARDLY, TREASONIST, TERRORIST, TORTURING, OPPRESSORS, THIEVES, AND MURDERERING CRIMINALS IN ACCORD THE LAWS OF THE CRIMINAL CODES OF THE UNITED STATES AND THEIR PUBLIC EXECUTIONS BY MEANS OTHER THAN LETHAL INJECTION. BY FIRING SQUAD WOULD BE TOO FAST. GAS CHA
    MBER OR ELECTIC CHAIR WOULD BE TOO PASSIVE. PERHAPS REVERTING TO EARLIER TIMES: DEATH BY BEASTS IN PUBLIC ARENA AND ON PAY PER VIEW, IN THIS PRESENT DRASTIC CIRCUMSTANCE, BE MORE APPROPO'. "LOVE THY GOD!!!"

  • Dimo says:

    Ah...anyone want to switch seats?

  • Dimo says:

    You know I love you, and all that you stand for, but Billy Zane does not have a mustache in Titanic. His performance just seems like he did.

  • Lol. The Kyle Reese one was a good one. :)

  • Jeremy says:

    I can't believe you actually remembered the "Martini Ranch - Reach" cow girl. That's my all time favorite music video. So few people even know about this band/song or video. Now if somebody would just track down the original film from this shoot and re-scan it. All the copies online are from really low quality VHS copies.

  • Face P. Alm says:

    What a ridiculous article.
    Why don't you get a real job and make some difference in the world instead of wasting everybody's time writing inane articles about fictional characters jumping in and saving humanity from its own mistakes, you vapid celebrity-worshiping rat's rectum?

  • Prin says:

    What a ridiculous article. It seems like it's just a list of Cameron characters.
    Next time, make me a grocery list, why don't you?

  • Yeri says:

    The quality of the subject matter in lists on Digg has really gone downhill lately...

  • If we go to the world of Aliens, I would go with Bishop. He doesn't have to breathe, so he can work under water. Hell, the guy was cut in half, and STILL helped Ripley.
    And I second your thought on the Colonel from Avatar. He could just wear that robot suit thing, since it allows him to breathe.

  • Jackie says:

    umm... I think not

  • This entire issue with BP is out of control. The total amount of petroleum spewing into the Gulf of Mexico sprung up by 1000's of barrels Wednesday after an submerged droid seemingly hit the containment cap that has been getting petroleum from BP's Macondo well. I question how much desolation this whole catastrophe is going to cost the Gulf when it's all over

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